I began to close my door slowly, I could see my Evanescence poster on the wall next to my shelf, where I hid my razor underneath some old Lego sets. Under that was my twin sized bed, with dark grey sheets. Looking around my room, double checking I had everything, I noticed I’d left my TV on. I walked back into the room, and scrambled around on my bed looking for the remote. I couldn’t find it, so I started towards the TV to manually turn it off. The closer I got the more I realized how much I need my glasses still. It was playing nothing but static and I didn’t even notice until I was right in front of it. I looked around the TV looking for the button, and notice a mouse, chewing through the TV cable. That’s why there’s static. As I was reaching for something to shoo the mouse away, my phone began to ring. Hearing the familiar tone I smiled and reached into my pocket, grabbed my phone, and pushed answer. “Hello?” I excitedly asked.
“Alex!” Came the voice of my best friend through the phone, “Where are you? Haven’t decided to stand me up now have you?” She said with a chuckle.
“No,” I replied happily, “I’m getting ready to walk out the door right now.”
“Okay! I’ll see you in a few! Bye!” Click. I looked down at my phone, to see her name, Sam, with her picture below, her big bright smile with her strawberry blonde hair, and her amazing blue eyes. I sighed, I’ve known her my whole life, now I’m questioning if she even still enjoys hanging out with me. I’ve had feelings for her for a while, but I know she just wants to be friends, she always talking about some guy, and that just makes me feel insignificant. Sighing I walked towards the door, I looked in the mirror, I’ve grown since the time I put it up, so I had to bend down a little bit, but there I was, my messy, unkempt hair, being more brown than blond anymore, but I like it this way. My eyes, that used to be bright and full of life that were a pale blue, instead now looked hollow and dead, It’s been a while since I slept well. I grabbed my jacket and keys and went out to my truck. I started it and turned on the AC, it was the middle of June so it was quite hot. I turned up the music, my favorite song was playing, "Lost in You" by Three Days Grace. Once I felt the vehicle was cool enough I backed out and started my way to my favorite small local restaurant in Dearing, Kansas, called the Coffee Shop. When I pulled up I saw her little convertible. “Oh crap, how long has she been waiting,” I worried as I walked into the restaurant. She was sitting in the corner checking her phone, she looked up and her face lit up. I smiled and walked to the table.
“There you are!” She exclaimed. Then her face became really serious, she had a hard stare at something. Confused, I looked at the place she was looking. I had forgotten to put my jacket on. She just stared at my wrists, she didn’t know I cut. I sat down, and we had our meal. That was the most awkward time I’ve ever spent with her. We got up, I paid for the food and when we were outside I opened her car door for her, she stopped and just looked at me, she was mad.
“What’s wrong?” I tried to sound like I was clueless, but I knew what was going on.
“How could you do this?” she asked, she was really mad.
“Do what?” I replied as she grabbed my hand and raised it up.
“This!” she shouted, “How long have you been doing this?” She demanded gesturing to my wrists. I didn’t know how to respond, I could see it in her eyes, she was hurt. She did care, so much so that by harming myself I was harming her, I began to cry.
“Can we talk about this some other time?” I managed to ask though my sobbing. She looked at me, trying to figure out if I was lying or not I assumed.
“Fine,” she spat, “I’m not forgetting this”
“I don’t expect you to.”
“Good” she got in her car and drove away. After that I drove home as well. As soon as I got home I walked straight to my room, ignoring my mother as she tried to ask how my day was. I went to lay down when I realized I never turned the TV off. I turned it off and went to bed. The next morning I woke up and went into the kitchen, I made sure I had at least a long sleeve shirt on this time, I’m not going to mess up again.
“Sit down,” came a small voice from my mother. I looked around expecting to see my father, we were all usually here when we sat down to talk or eat like this. It was common for my mother, who was slightly shorter than I was but, she had bleach blonde hair and blue eyes, even though they appeared green because of her contacts, my father would sit across from her, he had dark brown hair and brown eyes, he was slightly taller than me and he had glasses and myself sit around this table, now, other than the fact that he wasn’t here, the atmosphere felt, well, off. My mother looked like she hadn’t slept, she’d looked as if she had been crying, and she didn’t have her contacts in. We sat around the table, her appearance and the feel of the room was starting to worry me, had Sam told her what I’ve been doing? Has something else happened that’s awful? I had so many possible things that could be happening going through my head, but my mother began, “I don’t exactly know how to say this easily because there’s not an easy way to say this,” she began to cry, I was starting to get really worried, “your father,” she had to pause to wipe her eyes, “he’s dead.” I was shocked, I felt like my heart and mind were going to explode. “He was on his way home last night from working late, and a drunk driver hit him head on, they were both killed on impact.” My mother was devastated, I was devastated, this is a nightmare I started to speak, but the words simply wouldn’t come out, I wasn’t very close to him, I wasn’t really close to anyone, but he was still my father, he had raised me, helped my though my life, bought me a truck, he had done more for me than anyone. I stood up and walked into my room, I sat on my bed and grabbed the razor from my shelf, I started crying as I went at it, then the door flew open and my hand slipped, a great pain shot through my arm, I looked down as my vision was slowly blurring, to see a cut on my forearm, that was much deeper than the others, I heard my mother scream as I fell off the bed, and hit my head, I blacked out.

***
“I think he’s coming to” came a faint voice, I couldn’t tell who it was.
“Wait, something’s wrong, Nurse!” Came another voice. My head felt awful and I couldn’t move anything. I could hear a faint rapid beeping, I assumed it was the heart monitor. Suddenly every sound stopped other than the calm beep from my now steady heart rate. Everyone was dead silent.
“Alex?” Came Sam’s voice, could hear clearly again. I must have gotten a smile on my face, because I heard her let out a sigh of relief. The nurse came in and asked what was wrong, I heard someone dismiss them, saying I was fine. I assume the nurse left, after checking some stuff first I’d image. I tried to sit up, someone rushed over and put some pillows behind me to support my back, then I opened my eyes, there was Sam, she looked awful, like she had been crying, she reached out and hugged me. I looked over and saw my mother, she was crying. That was it, there’s all my friends, and all the family that actually cares about me, that didn’t really helped with the already increasing depression. I started to cry, Sam was still hugging me, but my mother began to speak, “What were you thinking?” came the small voice, she started crying a little harder, “I almost lost both the most important people in my life.” she said with a dazed looked on her face. She stood up and walked out the door, slowly pulling it shut behind her. That hit me like a truck doing 80 on a freeway, I started crying even more. Sam, still hugging me, let go and got me a box of tissues. After I wiped my eyes I looked up at her, she was crying, I hadn’t seen her cry since her mother’s funeral when she had to leave because she couldn’t stand the sight or idea of her mother’s death. She was the only real friend I had, I was the only real friend she had. I felt awful for just the thought of how much she would hurt losing her best friend, I began to realize she did care and I shouldn’t be thinking that she doesn’t like hanging out with me or she would rather be somewhere else. I looked her in the eye, and I had nothing to say that could equal the amount of pain I put her in but I managed to say two small words, “I’m Sorry.” She just smiled and wiped her eyes and gave me another hug.
She let go and looked at my arms and asked, “So, why exactly have you been doing this?” she wasn’t angry, just concerned, that made it a little easier to talk but it’s still difficult.
“I dunno,” I began, “I just feel like I’m too much of a burden to the people around me to say anything.” I paused as she grabbed my hand.
“You don’t have to fear anything.” She said, “You are worth everything and I wouldn’t be able to live in a world without your smile.” That put a smile on my face. She knew exactly what to say, but that doesn’t change the fact I feel like a jerk for almost making her world black and grey. She let go of my hand, “I’ll be back tomorrow,” she said smiling, “I’ve gotta go tell my dad you’re alright and eat.” She waved and walked out the door.

***

After about three weeks of counseling and being put on an anti-depressant, I was allowed to be alone, before I was to be accompanied by either my mother, Sam, or my counselor. I was ready to just lay down and take a four year nap. I was exhausted, but Sam barges into my room and shouts, “Surprise!” and she hands me a box. I had forgotten it was my birthday, I began to laugh and I opened the box. There was a delightfully bright picture frame with a picture of Sam and me, looking up at the sky, us both smiling and laughing. I smiled and I set it on my headboard. After that we sat down on the floor and played some Xbox games, we watched a couple cartoons on my now repaired TV, and we went and got some ice cream. As we were walking home she looks over to me and whispers, “bet I can beat you in a race to the bridge.” She smiles at me. I think about it for a second.
“You’re on!” I shout and start running.
“No fair!” I hear her shout behind me we’re both laughing and racing, I’m starting to get low on breath but I push to the bridge.
“I win!” I say to her as she runs up.
“You,” she paused as she shoves me, “cheated!”
“I did not!” I proclaim laughing. We sit on the bridge for a while talking and laughing when Sam notices a rope laying on the ground, she just looks at me and smiles really big, I know where this is going, I smile back and nod. We run over to the rope and find a tree to tie it to, Sam insists I go first, so I grab the rope and pull twice testing its strength, I walk back, and run to the edge and jump, when I’m above the water I let go and land with a delightful splash. I surface and wave at Sam to come on. She laughs and does the same, but as she’s jumping we hear a snap, we both look up and realize our worst fear, the branch snapped. Down she went and she landed on a rock. “Sam!” I shout at the top of my lungs as I swim over to where she landed. I put my ear to her face, I let out a sigh of relief, she was still breathing, but it was rapid, shallow and there was a little blood starting to build in her mouth. I ran up to where we set out phones and jackets and grabbed my phone and dialed 9-1-1.
“9-1-1, what is your emergency?” asked the lady on the other end.
“Me and a friend, we were jumping from a rope and the branch snapped, she landed on a rock on her back, her breathing is really shallow and fast and I think she’s broken something.”
“Okay, if you can, perform CPR and tell me your location.” I told her my location and that we were in the actual river. I take my phone down and did the CPR I was taught in Red Cross, leaving the phone on so the dispatcher can hear. The ambulance arrived and they put her inside and I jumped in as well. The medics began to do all their stuff they do, and they get her heart stable. Then we hit a bump. The IV rips out and the heart monitor starts racing. The Medics start working again, trying to get the IV back in. The puddle of blood on the floor is every growing now from the tear where the IV was. The medics were whispering to each other, the only words I heard were, artery, and bleed out. The monitor was going more and more rapidly as they worked. When suddenly, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. She was gone. The medics were yelling something at each other and they grabbed a defibrillator and began to use it on her. No success. I put my head down and we finished the ride in quiet. When we got to the hospital the doctor said there nothing he could do, her spine was fractured from hitting the rock, and she had lost too much blood from the torn artery. I just walked out the door, there was her father. He grabbed by shoulders and shook me, yelling something. I was too dazed to say anything or even hear what he was saying. I just pointed in the room behind me where Sam’s body lay and I left the building and went home, and went to bed. I didn’t sleep at all. I just laid in my bed, remembering the moment when that monitor stopped. Her water logged clothes as her eyes closed for the last time. I turned over and started crying. When I realized there’s only one thing left for me to do. I got up and went out to my truck, and drove to the bridge where it had happened. The rock where she landed had a faint red stain to it, but most of it had been washed away. I looked over the bridge, they must have let the dam go up stream. The water was a lot higher than before. I started to climb on the rail and I sat on the edge with my feet hanging over. Someone came walking by.
“What could you possibly be doing here this late at night?” He questioned.
“Just thinking,” I said, “my best friend died here earlier today,” the stranger just looked at the spot I was looking at where the red stain was.
“You know, jumping from here wouldn’t be a bad choice.” He said. I looked at him dumbfounded, was this guy telling me to jump? “I mean after all, it’s your choice, you can jump, or you can live, just make sure you’ll be able to live with the decision you make. That’s all you can really do here.”
“I don’t understand.” I looked at him confused. He sighed.
“The only thing you’re allowed to do, is believe you won’t regret the choice you make.” That hit hard, would I regret it? Would I be able to accept death? Why did this man have to come along, why couldn’t he just let me jump without butting in, it would be so much easier. I look up at him and nod, thanking him for the talk. He nods back and begins to walk away. Am I willing to lose life to be with my best friend again? That’s actually all the convincing I need, I’d rather see her again, than live another day where she’s not around. I look down and push off. Splash.  The water was cold. Floating in the seemingly empty abyss of this water, I began to sink farther in the water. I could feel the water beginning to suffocate me, I fought the urge to surface. When the current caught my foot, and flung me into the side of the river blood began to fill my mouth and my leg was broken from the force of the current pulling me down. Well, this is it.