During a sweltering heat wave on August 4th, 1997 at 3:00 a.m. in San Diego, California; my mother, Scarlett Jones, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Kasen. A boy that was supposed to play football in high school, and grow up to have a family and kids of his own.  However, that little boy had other dreams.
Instead of playing with cars and trucks, I much preferred my older sister’s My Little Ponies, Barbie’s and dress up clothes. On picture day in preschool, I wanted nothing more in the whole world than to wear a pretty dress just like my older sister, Carlee. My mom told me that boys aren’t allowed to wear dresses, so I made a plan. Early that morning, I snuck into the basement where we kept all of Carlee’s old clothes in big plastic containers. With the stealth of a Russian spy, I rummaged through the containers, found the perfect dress and neatly folded it into my Mickey Mouse backpack. Right before pictures that day I excused myself to the restroom and changed into my dress. I checked myself out in the mirror; I looked and felt absolutely beautiful. I twirled in my tea-length pink poofy Easter dress with little white polka dots. I strutted up to the photographer looking fabulous, sat down on the tall wooden stool and flashed my biggest smile. I hoped the second my mom saw those pictures she would finally understand that I really was a pretty little girl stuck in the wrong body. Unfortunately, her reaction was not what I had hoped. She told me that we were going to send the pictures back and I’d have to retake my pictures, in a boy outfit. I ran up to my room and cried and cried until my little eyes couldn’t cry anymore.
By my reasoning, the only thing that was different between me and the other girls was what was between my legs. If only I could chop it off and all my problems would go away. That idea seemed like it had possibilities. Being only five, surgery seemed like a pretty simple task. I walked downstairs a bit before dinnertime, went into the kitchen where we kept our art supplies and rummaged through the drawers until I found exactly what I was looking for; the little blue safety scissors. When my mother questioned me, I informed her I was just doing an art project. I went back upstairs to the bathroom with my scissors, ready to do the deed. Right as I was about to chop off the source of my problems, Carlee busted into the bathroom looking for her nail polish. She yelled “Kasen, what are you doing?!!” and swiped the little blue scissors out of my small trembling hands. I told her, “I don’t want to be a boy anymore, I’m a girl!”
After this little incident, we started seeing a psychologist, Dr. Bradsteen. Even though my mother thought “it was just a phase”, after our first meeting Dr. Bradsteen had a crystal clear diagnosis, I had gender identity disorder. My mother asked if there was anything she could do to fix it, but the only advice he had was to be there for me and support how I feel. Dr. Bradsteen emphasized the importance of acceptance, because about half of all transgender youth consider suicide before the age of 20, and most of those are due to a lack of acceptance in the home or at school. After the appointment that day we went home and got rid of all my boy clothes, it was time for a new start. I told her that I didn’t want to be called Kasen anymore, but Kaycee. Looking back, I’m fortunate this all happened in kindergarten, because most kids didn’t really seem to care what I wore; probably because half of their clothes were inside-out and backwards every other day. I made a few friends, not surprisingly all of them were girls.
It seemed like all fun and games until in 4th grade when we learned about this monster called puberty that was coming for us all. If I didn’t do something, I was going to have a man voice and a beard! Our family was well off financially, so hormone therapy was a reasonable option. In the next few years, the hormones had many interesting effects on my body. They helped me grow boobs, redistributed my body fat, prevented me from getting huge muscles and prevented masculine body hair. We checked into other options, but gender reassignment surgery in the United States isn’t legal until the age of 18, so I still had a long time to wait.
Middle school was a confusing time for me, but I guess that’s a true statement for most people. During gym class, I would always change in the bathrooms next to the locker rooms to avoid any awkward situations. I loved to play sports like soccer, volleyball and gymnastics. Some of the parents on the team knew my birth gender and thought it gave me an unfair advantage, so they made a big deal out of it. I was never allowed to compete, but the school decided I could practice with the team. No matter what I did I was an outsider, just because everyone knew my actual gender, and my confusion repulsed other people.  Then the summer before my junior year of high school we made the move from San Diego to a small town in Wisconsin, where not a single person knew my secret. This entire background story leads almost up to the present, the first day of my junior year at my new high school.
I woke up extra early this morning to make sure I looked nice for my first day. I curled my long hair into loose ringlets. I wore a cute, tribal print circle dress with a belt, a cardigan and my favorite flats. I painted my nails fire engine red. I step into school, the halls buzzing with excitement. As I walked down the hall I could tell people were whispering, and wondering about the new girl. I stopped at my locker and headed over to creative writing, my first hour class. Where to sit? I choose a spot next to a friendly- looking girl with her nose buried in a book. She looks up, smiles at me and compliments me on my outfit. “How nice of her!” I think to myself. Our teacher, Mr. Heinz, told us what was expected of us throughout the year. He had us all go around the room and share our name, a fun fact about ourselves and our favorite flavor of ice cream. Easy enough! When it was my turn, I stood up and said, “My name is Kaycee Jones. I moved here from San Diego California this summer and my favorite flavor of ice cream is mint chocolate chip.”
I sat down and book girl takes her turn. “My name is Kristina Bishop, I’m trying to read every book in the library and my favorite flavor of ice cream is coffee.”
By the time we got through everyone, the bell rang and everyone zoomed out of the classroom. In a rush to get to art class, I hustled around a corner and smashed right into some doofus sending my textbooks and folders flying. Just as I was about to yell at him and suggest he watch where he was going, I looked up and my world stopped turning. Right in front of me picking up my binders was the most beautiful human being I have ever seen in my sixteen and a half years of life. He was tall, slightly tan with shaggy blonde curly hair and striking blue eyes. He handed me my stuff and introduced himself, “Hi, I’m Dakota, what’s your name?”
I just gawked for a second, but I pulled myself together and said as
a casually as possible, “Hi, I’m Kaycee.”
He looked me straight into my weak soul and said, “Nice to meet you Kaycee.” and continued his way down the hallway. I have to find out more about this guy! I also need to hurry or I’ll be late to class. It turns out book girl is also in my art class; a familiar face! I sit next to her again as we discuss our passion for art. The rest of my classes all kind of blurred together. Then it was lunch time. A cafeteria can be a truly terrifying place when you don’t know anyone. Everyone already has their friends and cliques at this point in the game. I felt that familiar and awkward “you don’t fit in anywhere” feeling. I waited alone in line, grabbed my tray and the lunch ladies plopped some meaty surprise on my plate; not the same as the food at my old school. Once I get all the way through the line and pay, I scanned the lunchroom for a seat where I could go somewhat unnoticed. Just as I spotted book girl, a miracle straight from God himself was sent to me. A tall blonde girl, dressed in something that could have come from the cover of Seventeen Magazine asked me to sit with her! I followed her to her table and took a seat. All her friends could’ve been models. What would they want with me? Her name was Caroline and she had all of her friends introduce themselves to me, and they continued with their girly chatter. She invited me to their weekly sleepover on Friday and of course I accepted! This is just what I needed, to act like a real girl.
As the week went on, I still talked to book girl in class, but I sat with Caroline and her minions during lunch. I felt kind of bad only talking to her in class, but Caroline didn’t like her. If Caroline didn’t like her, then I probably shouldn’t either. I applied for a job at Splash World (a local indoor waterpark) as a lifeguard, but I haven’t heard anything back yet. Finally it was Friday evening, and I was ready for a sleepover. Caroline’s house was exactly what I expected, a tri-level house with big columns, a four car garage, high ceiling, huge windows, a pool and a hot tub in the back. It was perfection. I rang the doorbell and all the girls came to the door, I was the last one to arrive. We went down to her basement, all their sleeping bags arranged in a perfect circle with one space left just for me! The actual sleepover however was not what I saw in the movies. Instead of painting nails, pillow fights and makeovers; people mostly just gossiped and were on their phones. Later that night, everyone went around the circle and talked about what boys they liked. Everyone named a bunch of names I’d never heard before, but I knew what I was going to say. The second I said Dakota the whole room went silent and everyone looked at Caroline. Her face was turning a not-so-flattering shade of fuchsia. It was at this point that she informed me that, “If you’re going to be friends with us, you should know that you’re not allowed to crush on or date ex-boyfriends, they’re off limits!”
After a few awkward seconds of silence we continued around the circle, chatting about boys and what not. It was then that I met the true Caroline, which was not as pretty on the inside. I felt like I couldn’t leave, they were my only friends! The rest of the night continued like nothing had ever happened. The next morning I went home, glad to be in my own house with my own family. The phone rang and my mother called me downstairs, saying it was for me. Splash World called and let me know I had the job and should start as soon as possible! It was Saturday and I had nothing else to do, so I might as well make some cash. I drove to the indoor waterpark at Splash World and found the main office. My boss showed me where the clock-in room was and gave me a tour of the waterpark. There were lifeguards at the top and bottom of each slide and around the lazy river, this wouldn’t be too bad. Just as we walked past this ride that resembled a toilet bowl I saw him standing there; shaggy blonde hair and all.  Our eyes met and he yelled over the noise of falling water, “Hey, Kaycee!” and waved; my heart stopped. What luck I thought to myself! I smiled, waved and continued on my tour. In the back of my head I thought of Caroline’s meltdown, but I wouldn’t let her ruin this for me. The rest of the tour was all a daze while I fantasized over all the ways I could “accidently” get near Dakota. I think I’m going to like this job a little too much. If Caroline doesn’t know, then she can’t be mad right? The boss said I could work Saturdays and Sundays, which is also when Dakota works. Talk about destiny. I headed home with a big goofy smile on my face, not being able to contain my excitement.
As the weeks have gone on, I’ve gotten closer and closer with Caroline’s clique, making talking to Dakota at work much riskier. She can’t be mad at me for just being friendly, right? That’s when I finally decided it was time to make my move. My hair up in a messy bun, a light coat of makeup on and my shortest red lifeguarding shorts, I looked effortlessly cute. I purposefully took my time clocking in, waiting a perfect opportunity. When he walked in I casually looked like I was putting my stuff in one of the lockers. I closed my locker and walked up to him and said hi and asked him what he was doing on his lunch break. All he said was, “Nothing, unless you have something in mind!” and it was soon official, we were going on an unofficial lunch date. When it was time for break, we headed over to a nearby McDonald’s (classy right?) and laughed about stupid people at the waterpark, teachers, school and just about everything! I’ve never felt this way about a guy before. He’s nothing like Caroline, he seems so real, and that’s probably why he broke up with her! We headed back to the park and finished up our shifts. When we clocked out for the day, he walked me to my car since Splash World has a pretty sketchy parking lot. Unexpectedly, he hugged me goodbye. He even said we should hang out sometime outside of Splash World, which I of course agreed to! I couldn’t wait!
Before long, I had to confess to him how I wasn’t supposed to be with him because he’s Caroline’s ex, but he understood and was fine with keeping it on the down low. This went on for a month or two; I was living a double-life as Caroline’s minion and another as Dakota’s girlfriend. I know someday Dakota will discover my deepest secret, but I’m remaining optimistic that he’ll be completely fine with it. But our secret relationship wouldn’t be able to hang on much longer.
When prom rolled around of course Dakota asked me, so it was time to break some of the news to Caroline. She was surprisingly okay with us going to prom together, after I told her that we worked together, and that we’re only friends. Which was a flat out lie, but you’ve got to do, what you’ve got to do. Dakota and I have now been dating almost 8 months and we’re still in love with each other.
Over the summer, we stuck together and on my 18th birthday I led him to believe I was going to summer camp. In reality, I was ready for the last big step in my transition to becoming the woman, that I knew I was inside. By the time school came around again, I was all healed up and ready for a new year.  I was finally at peace with my body and looking forward to the future. This is the happiest I’ve ever been; not a care in the world.
I’ve sensed a special connection with Dakota since the moment we first met, but just tonight we had a conversation that I didn’t see coming. Dakota had been wanting to tell me something, and in tears he told me that he had been born with Klinefelter syndrome, which just means he has one extra copy of the X chromosome in each cell, but that it interferes with male sexual development, and that he knew he’d never be able to have children. He was afraid that this news would make me not want to be with him! Quite the contrary. Evidently, he had suspected something was up for a few years, but his parents had just told him all the details, and he was struggling to accept this and was feeling like he was a freak. Little did Dakota know that I too had a big confession. We shared our deepest, darkest secrets that night. Not only did this make me love Dakota even more, but for the first time in my life I felt truly accepted and I knew I’d found my soulmate.