Character Profile:

· Name: Liling
· Birth date: December 13, 1976
· Appearance: Dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, moderate tan, relatively pretty, lean, tall,
· Personality: Shy, smart, indecisive
· Hobby/Habit: Writing diary entries
· Family:
Dad: Pan, hates Liling more
Mom: Lin, hates Liling less
Brother: Biming, born after Liling's departure, treated much better than Liling.

Sunday, March 3, 1985

Recently, something rather bothersome has been on my mind. I feel like my parents are ignoring me a lot. Especially my father. He has been giving me "the eye" for a while now. If I make a single, tiny mistake, he would make a real big deal about it and glare at me for the rest of the day. I remember that my grandma warned me that I would have a hard life being a girl. I knew what this meant, but I didn't think father would be this cold to me. Maybe they don't want me anymore. If I could get away from this family, maybe life would be easier.

Tuesday, March 19, 1985

I have thought and thought for a long time. I need to take action right now. All right. I'll jump out of my bedroom window at midnight, and then I'll go to the Hope Center a little more than four days walk from here. I can do this!

Wait a second. I already jumped out from the window but where is the Hope Center!? I guess I'll have to stay here and sleep until tomorrow morning.

Wednesday, March 20, 1985

Ugh... let's see... now that it's morning, my parents will probably go out to work, but I can't let them notice me. Maybe, during the day, I can figure out the direction of the Hope Center and take action at night.

10:30 pm.

All right. My parents are asleep. This is my chance. I need to take a five days worth of bread and water, assuming that I may get lost, and some spare clothing. My favorite book, two pens, my first diary, compass and our family photo we took during Chinese New Year. Don't misunderstand. The photo is just for me to remember them. It would be even sadder if I couldn't remember the faces of my parents.

5:00 am.

I think I'm already a few kilometers away from home now. I asked around during they day, and they said that the Hope Center is directly to the north. As long as I follow my compass, it'll be impossible to get lost.

Sunday, March 24, 1985

I can't believe I haven't written for three days straight. I generally write every single day. My bread is running low. Maybe I should've eaten less on the first day. But I should be almost there by now. I still have lots of water, so even if I run out of food, I should still be able to survive for a day or two.

1:45

Now I'm positive that I'm on the right track. Not that I wasn't before or anything like that, but now I'm100% sure. I just saw a sign saying that the Hope Center is only 5 km away. I should get there in an hour or so.

2:50

I've arrived at the Hope Center! The people here are either orphans abandoned by their parents or runaways, like me. I feel terrible for them. It pains me to learn that there are children other than me who are hated by their parents.

Friday, May 4, 1990

Now that I think about it, it has been five years since I left home. I wonder if my parents are worried about me. Since it'll be the weekend tomorrow, I can go back to my village and visit them.

Wednesday, May 9, 1990

I've arrived at my village. It seems that all of my friends are doing well. My parents aren't home today, so I'll try to find them tomorrow. The long trip drained all the strength out of me, so for now, I'll just rest.

Thursday, May 10, 1990

Today, I went to the park I often visited with my parents before I ran away. Walking around the park, I heard a familiar voice. From the distance, the voice sounded very kind. My heart started to pump very fast. I looked around, trying to identify where the voice was coming from. I saw a woman that strongly resembled my mother. I went to take a closer look. I had to be her. Mother. She was playing with a young boy, who seemed to be about four years old. At first, I thought that mother was playing with a random boy who was in the park or maybe her friend's son. However, she was calling him "my baby," which she would never say to other kids. A few moments later, a man that was probably my father approached mother and the boy and gave them one ice cream each. He was also calling the young boy, "my darling" or whatever. I was unsure who the boy was, so I decided to follow them in order to find more evidence to determine whom that kid was. I followed them all day long. They held hands, played happily, as if they were really a family. All of a sudden, an old lady who was strolling down the street commented, "Your son is so handsome." Then, mother and father looked at her and smiled "Oh, thank you. Hey, Biming, she said your handsome!"

"It's because you're my mother" replied the boy. As soon as I heard the word '"mother," my heart raced.

This can't happen, why would this happen to me? Why weren't my parents worried at all? Why didn't hey try to find me? What did I do wrong for them not to look for me, and not notice me forever?

I don't know what I was thinking at that time, but I went up to the old lady and asked, "How about me? Am I pretty?" and looked straight into my mother's eyes.

A huge tear rolled down my mother's cheek as if she was saying, "I am so sorry for you, forgive me, darling."

Then, father who was watching what I did stormed in and shouted, "What have you done to my wife! Who are you?! Leave immediately!" and slapped me. He slapped me! I went into tears too. The old lady was really surprised and ran away. My dad helped my mom up and continued their walk. I was left alone curled up in the middle of the street where there were so many people watching at me. I felt very embarrassed, but at the same time, burning with rage.

Friday, May 12, 1990

My life is so different, compared to his life. I don't know what I have done wrong. But I'm sure that my life was extremely unfair. If I, at least, knew what I had done wrong, then I could still correct my self and maybe even return to mom and dad. When I was young, they never took pictures of me, or even smiled at me. The only pictures we took together were the Chinese New Year family photos. They were always cold to me, so I came to think that all parents are like that. There are so many things I am confused about right now. There are about thousands of pictures printed of him, their son, my brother. My best friend in this village, Mei, just told me that my parents give him much more money during Chinese New Year than any other kid in the village. He also gets many presents on his birthday. Forget about getting presents on my birthday. My parents didn't even remember my birthday! The only person that actually mentioned my birthday was my grandma. I just don't get it.. I am also their child. Why not for me? Every time I think about what they do for Biming that they don't do for me, I get really depressed and angry.

Sunday, May 13, 1990

Mei is currently letting me take shelter in the shed of her house. How sweet of her! If she didn't do that, I would be screwed. But enough of that. I'm currently facing an enormous dilemma. I feel like there is a need for me to meet my parents again. I'm not sure what reaction I'll get from them this time, but if I don't actually talk to them, then this trip back would be meaningless. Other than this issue, I've been thinking about another thing. I think that everything was caused because I'm a girl. My parents must have wanted a boy. But after I was born that one child policy thing came into action, so no families were allowed to have a second child. I have overheard many people say bad things about mother because she gave birth to a daughter rather than a son. On top of that, I have seen a little amount of girls who are my age. Well, it's decided. I will talk to my parents. I'm going to tell them that their reasoning is very wrong, and why I think so. I believe that I am also useful, but it is just society that is against me. But they don't need to worry about that! My parents can still love me and care for me. Even so, if they decide that they don't want me anymore, at least I can know why and lift this problem off my chest forever.

Saturday, May 19, 1990

Today is Saturday, the day when my parents would bring Biming to the park here. I have rehearsed to myself numerous times what I am going to say to them. I will not embarrass myself like last time. However, why am I feeling no hope or happiness in seeing them? I don't know. I am going to talk to them. I hope that mother would understand because she cared about me much more that father. Somewhere deep in my heart, I think I still wish that she loves me. Oh, they're here. I'm going to approach them now.

I cannot believe that they don't remember me. I honestly think that they are pretending that they don't remember me. I've always believed that they weren't incredibly mean to me, but I don't know why they are saying that they don't remember me. They even very innocently asked who I was. Even worse, they tried to persuade me that they would help me find my real mother when my real mother is her, whom I was talking with. I don't understand. When I met them last week or whenever it was, mother cried. That must mean she was overjoyed to learn I was still alive. This is so messed up. More importantly, if I get into the polices' hands, they will send me to strange places if I happen to run into a corrupt policeman who just wants to earn money. This is the worst day of my life.

I question myself: Why was I born into this family of heartless parents?

Sunday, May 20, 1990

I was sleeping by myself in Mei's shed, feeling very lonely. I was feeling even more lonesome than other days, so lonely that I decided to take a look at my parents since they lived on the first floor. It is too easy to peak their life.

I ran to their house, quietly. The lights were still on, even though it was already three in the morning. They seemed to be arguing. I was very curious and wondered what the problem was. Maybe if I help them solve the problem, they will love me at least as much as they used to love me, and be proud of me. Even if they were started being cold to me again, I wouldn't care! I wouldn't run away again.

I pressed my ear to the wall, so I could listen to what they were talking about. It seems that they were discussing me. So they did remember me and were just pretending that they didn't remember anything about me and just acted like I was crazy and dumb, and talking to the wrong person. They were discussing whether they should welcome me back home or not. However, father, who is supposedly stronger than my mom, since he earns all the money, argued that he couldn’t provide me with any more education, clothes, shelter, and food because they already have a son. He also mentioned how I am only a girl, so that means when I marry a man, I will not benefit the family in any way, for example, bringing home money.

After another half an hour of arguing, mother started to agree, saying that having a son is be much better for them after all. I am heartbroken. I mean, what's wrong with being a girl?

Then, I got to hear the story of my past that I wasn't supposed to hear.

Father was saying that he shouldn't have allowed my mom to have me and mother should've aborted me. Exactly like I thought. They didn't want to have a girl like me. Every word my dad spoke hurt my feelings.

I couldn't hold anymore. I tried to hold my sharp breaths, but my body wouldn't listen. Strength drained away from my leg, and eventually, I collapsed onto the ground with a "crash". Three seconds later, my parents opened the window and saw my face. They were in trouble. I was also in trouble for knowing the secret I wasn't to know.

Monday, May 21, 1990

I'm amazed that I managed to get away last night. That was a close call. But what should I do now? My parents know that I overheard them last night. I am in big trouble.

Thursday, May 24, 1990

I decided. Today will be the day that I kill my parents and my brother who doesn't even know me. It is now two o'clock in the morning, and I am in their living room, getting ready to enter the kitchen for a knife. This is the most dangerous and critical period. I cannot be heard or seen. All right, I will get the knife now.

Okay, I successfully got the knife; now all I need to do is...wait what was that! Something crashed in the kitchen. What if that woke my parents up! I need to check right away.

The dish next to the knife fell! I should've been more careful. Mother must've woken up. I can already hear the heavy footsteps. It is coming towards me. I don't know what to do other than writing in this diary. Ah! It is father. Mother and Biming also came out into the room. I can hear father picking up the knife. Is he going to kill me? Water is falling from my eyes. But I am not crying. It is just water. I think I have lost my voice. I cannot scream for help. No, this can't be happening. I can see the shadow of father with his arm raised. Mother and Biming are just staring at me. Oh, mother just covered Biming's eyes. I don’t think anyone wants to see this. No, I don't want to die. I haven't lived enough ye...