December 31, 2015 - Entry 1 - Friends
Theres nothing and I mean nothing more enjoyable than seeing someone laugh because you made them laugh, you shared a single moment with someone and in that instant you feel nice, you feel all warm inside. To think that this person finds your horrible jokes funny, they find you amusing. It is the best feeling ever, making friends.
I'm currently at my house sitting on my bed. My therapist says that it is healthy for me to write down what I'm feeling considering what happened last week. I kinda had a mental breakdown. Thats neither here nor there. Now back to my topic at hand, friends, they are a gift. They make you calm for a while, and even though you're an idiot they don't care. Why am I talking about friends? Simple, Wish I had them. But thats neither here nor there.

January 1, 2016 - Entry 2 - Thomas
I have friends, just not people who understand me very well. I guess I should have made that clear last night, sorry to confuse you reader. I hate to burden my problems on my friends, Instead I hide behind the jokes and have built up this persona that I'm supposed to be the "chilled" type of person. Which is fine, if they need me to be that guy I will. I always will. I just wish someone was there for me when I start to go down a dark road. But thats neither here no there. Oh, My name is Thomas, I guess I should have said that somewhere before.

January 4, 2016 - Entry 3 - Back to School
School is starting back up in a few hours, I finally got time to write, I got a hair cut and am really excited to see all my friends again. I haven't been in contact with them since the inccident so i hope they are doing okay. I hope I didn't hurt them, I dont want to hurt anyone. Bus is here.

Entry 4 - I saw Her
She was stunning, when she moved it was like time froze and it was a freeze frame, her beautiful red hair, her gorgeous smile, sexy outfit, she was the definiton of beautiful. The best part is shes one of my friends. Now here is an example of someone who truly knows me, I've told her everything, but she doesn't know how I truly feel. I have a plan to ask her out but I have to work up the courage. Her name is Abigail and shes like me, Damaged.

Entry 5 - Late Night
Late night at work again, What do I do? well I'll have you know I'm one of the top workers at subway, Okay, I'll admit not that great. I had to stay late due to a costumer who just wouldn't shut up and move on with his day just because there was something unappealing about his sandwhich. I swear jerks will be the end of me.

January 8, 2016 -Entry 6-  Friday
Thank god it's friday, now I got the whole weekend to myself, Mom is out of town and my dad is not in the picture. It feels like finally I have true freedom. I might message Abigail later tonight if she's up. Hopefully she is up, she is never up when I message her.

Entry 7 - Poetry
For fun I like to read a lot of poetry, I don't write any but I sure do love to read them. Why? Well because it calms my mind, I don't like a lot of the new poets, I liked the older poets when poetry ment something, Now it's become whinny trash that pre-teens have occupied. Oh when will there be good poetry again. But I digress.

Entry 8 - Answer
Today I tried messaging Abigail when I got home, No reply, so I messaged My other good friend Ash. Ash and I go way back. She's probably one of my closest friends. So I messaged her and of course she answers immediately
Me: Hey
Ash: Hey
Ash: What's up Hru?
Me: I'm ok, hbu

This is where my conversations normally stop, either I'm too interesting that I litterally sent my friends to oblivion, or they get bored of me, It's usually the latter. I don't see why people just don't say what's on their mind, if they can't talk just say so. Don't just leave me in nothing.

Then she messaged me, Abigail.

Abigail: Hey sorry I'm late, my phone had no service all day.

Me: That's ok, what are you doing?
Abigail: Just listening to music, laying in bed. How about you?
Me: Same
Then there was silence. I was up all night waiting for a reply. Maybe she is busy, maybe I shouldn't bother her. I wish she would just answer.

January 10, 2016 - Entry 9 - The plan
There was no respond from Abigail last night, I can't stop thinking about her. I'm gonna do it, I'm going to ask her out. The school is having a Valentine's day dance and I think I might ask her to go with me. Yeah, thats is, thats my big plan, What? You didn't expect me to go out and get flowers and heart shaped candy did you? Oh you did, well thats exactly what I did.

January 11, 2016 - Entry 10 - The plan in action
I'm on the bus ride to school and I'm having my friend bring the flowers and candy during lunch. Jason, my friend is a college drop out, but he's still a cool guy. He smokes weed all day so he is always chilled out. He's reliable so that's a plus.
During lunch I sit and wait for Jason to message me to tell me that he's here. Meanwhile Abigail is sitting with her friends, she's laughing so that makes me happy. When Jason sent me the message I immediately leave the lunch room to go to the front of the school.
"So when am I gonna meet the lucky lady?" Jason said to me.
"I dunno, when are you gonna go back to school?"
"Touche" then he left and I headed back to the luch room.
She was sitting there.

Alone.

Now's my chance I thought.

The second I started to head in her direction, In come jerk. Craig, The coolest guy in school, everyone loves him, everyone but me. Unlike everyone I can see through his bullshit, I see him for who he really is, a player and a jerk. I don't fall for his 'sweetheart' act.

He walked up to her and then whispered sweet nothings into her ear, or at least thats what I assumed. Abigail started to back away but Craig moved closer to her and grabbed her arm. Now the one thing I hate most of all is disrespecting women. I walked up to them and the second I got within speaking distance Craig looks over his shoulder at me.

"Get away from her Craig, don't you have some other sixteen year old to impregnate?" I told him with a smug smirk.
"Well if it isn't Thomas, didn't you just get out of the hospital? don't you have some pills to take or something?" Now he's the one with the smug look.
We we're to busy with our masculinity to notice Abigail leaving. I missed my chance. Dammit Craig.

Entry 11 - Yes
I see Abigail one more time after school, she's just chilling waiting for her ride against the wall of the building. I pull the flowers and candy out of my bookbag, they we're still useable.
"Abigail" I held out the flowers and candy for her.
"I'm guessing you don't have a date yet" she said to me. My heart was beating faster and faster, I was worried she'd reject me. Then it happened.
"I'm just joking, I would love yo go with you"
SHE SAID YES!
"What did Craig want?" I asked.
"You know how Craig is, he just wanted to use me" She replied. Her ride pulled up and then she said "got to go" she disappeared into the car and drove off. I still can't believe she said yes.

January 27, 2016 - Entry 12 - Happy
Since I asked Abigail to the dance we've messaged each other every night. I've actually been getting better, I've opened up to her and my thoughts have been getting less and less bad. I think for once in my life I'm finally happy.

January 28, 2016 - Entry 13 - Date
I decided to take Abigail on a date, I called her the other day to ask her to the movies and she said she would love to go. We are going to see "Killer in the woods 15" because crappy horror movies gets you even closer with a girl, so I've read. I'm waiting for her outside the theater nervous as all hell, and I'm freezing. I knew i should have worn a warmer coat. Oh s*** is that her.

Entry 14 - End of date
I was a complete idiot durring the whole date but I think it went somewhat descent. We held hands and kissed for the first time and we said we loved eachother, It was like any other date. Seeing as I don't have any other dates to compare with, I can say this date was by far the best one yet. I told her I had a ride so I didn't seem needy, but in reality I'm currently walking home in the dark like a scared little weakling.

Entry 15 - Jumped
As the title entry says, I almost got jumped tonight walking home. This group of guys we're heading my way and they follwed me for a mile. When I turned the corner of my street I ran and as soon as I could turn around I saw that they too had started to run. I dashed to my house and up to my room where now I'm currently writing. That really freaked me out, I normally wouldn't have ran, if they killed me, they killed me.
So why did I run? Eh, Thats neither here nor there.

January 31, 2016 - Entry 16 - Alive
The dance is in a week and a half, and I still don't have a nice outfit. This week I definitely have to go buy a dress shirt and some dress pants. Since I've started seeing Abigail I truly feel alive, and I'm not just saying that, I really feel alive. She makes me feel better and makes all my fears go away.
My mom gets home this week, that ought to be fun.

February 4, 2016 - Entry 17 - Mall
I finally got Jason to take me to the mall so I could buy my outfit for the dance. I went with the all black with red tie, black fingerless cloves, black boots, chain hanging on the side of mt left leg. Not to sound egotisticle, but I looked good, this was definitely the outfit I was gonna wear to the dance.
"Looks good, now can we go I have to go buy some groceries" Jason said, He would always say groceries when we were around other people when he needed to tell me he was buying weed.
"As soon as I change and buy this outfit we're all set."
"Great, I'll go get the car."
Jason left and I changed back into my black v-neck and skinny jeans. When I went to pay for the clothes I got a text message.
Mom: Hey I'll be home tonight around 10. Make sure the house is clean I'll be having friends over so be sure to be quiet.
Great.

Entry 18 - 10:30 pm
As my mom said she was home around ten, ten thirty to be exact. Mom brought a party's worth of people, a welcome home party I assumed. I was locked in my room while they were getting s***faced. I don't see why they have to play their music so loud. Guess i'm not getting any sleep tonight, at least it's Friday tomorrow.

February 5, 2016 - Entry 19 - Worst morning ever
I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock but it wasn't just going off, it's been running for an hour now. That's right, I over slept and missed the bus. Lucky I have Jason to drive me around. I get changed and send Jason a text to come pick me up, he'll be here in fifteen minutes. I go out into the living room to wait for Jason, mom is passed out on the couch, I rub her arm to wake her up.
"Mom, get up, you're gonna be late for work" I said in my hushed voice possible.
"Why are you not in school yet?"
"I over slept."
"So you can over sleep and I can't?" It's obvious my mom was still drunk.
"Mom you have responsibilities unlike me."
"Yes I do have responsibilities and you don't so shut up and don't tell me what to do again or so help me I will slap you into next week."
"I was only trying to help your drunken ass, you don't have to get an attitude with me mom, and you're supposed to be the mature one?" Then mom got up.
"What did you say?" she then punched me in my left eye. I fell back and got up and ran out of the house, I was in tears and bleeding. But thats neither here nor there. Jason pulled up as soon as I ran outside.
As soon as I got into Jason's car he noticed my eye. "Dude what happened to you?" He asked with this some what expression to show that he's worried. "Nothing, just focus on the road." I told him, I didn't want to burden him, I didn't want to worry him. Then he pulled the car over.
"Look man, you know I care about you, enough with this emo s*** and just tell me"
I didn't know what to say. I was at a loss of words, this was the first time Jason ever talked to me in that way. I almost smiled. "It's neither here nor there" I told him.

Entry 20 - Worst day of school
Jason dropped me off and asked me on last time before he drove off if I was okay, I told him I was fine. If he knew what really happened he would have called the cops. Hell anyone would have. I walked into the school building and the first person I see, the first person, Craig.
"Hey there buddy." Craig had this tone about him that made me think this was going to be a bad time.
"Uh, hey Craig. What's up?"
"Cut the crap, it true you're taking Abigail to the dance?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
Craig then gets closer to me, close until his face is almost at mine, his breath smelled like he needed some mints, cause damn did it stink. Does he even brush?
"I'm gonna need you to back off" Craig says to me.
"Well that's not gonna happen."
"Oh really now?" Craig then grabbed my shirt and punched me right in the nose. Then I fell back and hit my head hard on the ground. Craig turned around and walked away and I could faintly hear him say "loser" or something like that. Tears were coming again, all my thoughts came back to me, every single one of them. Then came the rage.

I don't really remember much of what happened, but I do remember getting up and charging towards Craig and slamming his head against one or ten of the lockers. I blacked out again. Craig told the principle and considering Craig 'never tells a lie' and he's the most loved person at school, I got suspended for three days. At least I can still go to the dance.

February 9, 2016 - Entry 21 - Hope
It is Tuesday and I can't believe I'm saying this, I miss school. It is hell here, I can't wait to move out in a year. My mom is nothing but a hopeless drunk, I can't believe I'm saying this either, but I hope she dies. I mean what type of mother hits her own kid.

February 10, 2016 - Entry 22 - Ash
The dance is in a day, I hope I don't mess anything up with Abigail. Ash is going to drive us along with her date. Ash is really cool, like I said she's my best friend. Ash and I have known each other since elementary school. Shes also been the one who protected my sorry ass through middle school from Craig. Now Ash goes to a different school, the only reason she's going to my schools dance is because her boyfriend Jerome, Craigs friend goes to my school. I will say this though, Jerome hasn't been such a dick lately since he started seeing Ash, she really changed him.

February 11, 2016 - Entry 23 - The Dance
The dance was amazing! I wish I could describe it in words. Ash picked me up first, then Abigail and then Jerome because it was convenient that way. After everyone was in the car we headed to the dance, before we got out of the car Jerome took a champagne bottle out from his trench coat pocket. We all took a toast before going in.
This was the very first dance I've ever been too, and I'll tell you what, this place was pacted. Almost everyone from school showed up, it had a wide variety of people there. You had your gorgeous girls in their dresses and heels and then you had your thots with no shoes and dresses barely covering their chests. Everything was exactly how I imagined it, perfect.

Abigail looked stunning in her black and red dress and her combat boots. It's like time froze again and her and I were the only two left in the universe. We shared a slow dance and I got lost in her green eyes, I couldn't help smiling. I was happy.

After the dance Ash drove us home, but I didn't go home. When Ash pulled up to Abigails house, Abigail whispered in my ear, she wanted me to go inside with her. We left Ash's car and entered the house, and I'll say it. Her house was way bigger then mine by far, alot nicer too. Abigail turned to me and said "My parents are not coming home tonight."

She kissed me, but this wasn't a normal kiss. This kiss was more passionate then all of our other kisses. She pushed me down on her couch and began to shove her tounge down my throat. I wish I could describe the feeling I felt at the time, I guess I was feeling lust. Abigail took her shirt off and told me to take mine off so I did as fast as I could.

Abigail took my hand and led me to her room. I won't go into detail but I lost my virginity that night. After she told me I had to leave so her parents wouldn't catch me sneaking out in the morning, I walked home and layed on my bed for a good hour before I started writting. Tonight was a good night.

February 13, 2016 - Entry 24 - Ignored
It's been two days since the dance and since Abigail and I had sex. I messaged her yesterday but she didn't reply, she was probably busy or something. Hopefully she was busy, I don't like to be ignored. Abigail wasn't in school yesterday so I didn't get a chance to talk to her at all after that night. Hopefully I didn't mess anything up.

February 15, 2016 - Entry 25 - Wrong
Abigail didn't message me yesterday nor replied to my 'Happy Valentine's Day' message. Something is seriously wrong, I guess I'll see her at school today. What did I do wrong?

Entry 26 - Oh
Something was definitely wrong. When I got to school everyone was looking at me funny and making hushed remarks about me and laughing, I couldn't hear them clearly. When I found Abigail at her locker I stopped dead in my tacks. My heart felt like it was in my throat, I saw her. Abigail with her beautiful red hair, her gorgeous smile, sexy outfit, she was standing there, kissing Craig.
I didn't do anything.
I didn't say anything.
I turned around and went home. I skipped school and I cried. What a loser I am.

Entry 27 - Why
I sent Abigail a message saying we're over, still no response. I just wanted to know why. Why did she lie to me? Why did she use me? Why am I never good enough? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!
You know what, screw it. I don't need anyone. I got you. Right? You'll never leave me right? You won't sleep with me, tell me to leave and never call again right? You won't go to the movies with me, listen to my stupid jokes and say you love me right? What did I do wrong? Why doesn't anyone ever stay?

February 20, 2016 - Entry 28 - Meds
My medicine isn't working anymore. My thoughts are back, I haven't been going to school and Abigail still hasn't responded. Ash and Jason have been trying to call me but I've been sending their calls to voicemail. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't need to. I got you.

Entry 29 - Have you ever wondered...
Have you ever wondered what life would be like without you? If you were to just go, leave without a word. Would anyone truly miss you? Maybe, but maybe not, you didn't offer this world anything. You know this is what goes on in my head everyday. I stare at my mirror everyday wondering what it would be like to slit my throat, If i were to drink that bleach or better yet, overdose on my antidepressants. Now that would be a laugh. Oh look, Ash is calling again.

February 28, 2016 - Entry 30 - Alone
I've officially cut myself off from reality, I locked my bedroom door and broke my phone. I only have myself and you. I can't help but wonder how Ash and Jason are doing. It's my own fault that I'm alone, I can't do anything right. I'm such an awful friend. I'm weird, a loser and a failure at life.

All I wanted was someone who understands me, who loves me. I'm alone, I'm emotionally alone. I know I have people who care about me but they don't understand me. No one will ever understand me, I guess thats why I started writting in you. Out of everyone and everything in the world, only you can understand me. Only I can understand myself. I thought if I found happiness I could feel alive but I was wrong. Happiness is a false hope, it always gets taken away and nothing ever stays the same. I don't want to feel alone anymore, I don't want to feel this nagging pain in my chest every time I breathe. I don't want to be second best anymore, I don't want to be alive anymore and I'm sorry. I know you wanted this story to have a happy ending, I know you were thinking "hey, maybe he'll pull through and get to the light." I'm sorry. That ending is neither here nor there. My story ends here.

Entry #1 March 2, 2016
It's been three days since Thomas went missing and his last entry in here. I know what happened, I read. I slapped Abigail as hard as I could for Thomas. Hopefully he's okay. I don't want to think the worse until it's confirmed. I miss him, He was the only one who made my life worth something. He was a great friend and he could always make me laugh even though his jokes were pretty bad. I loved the way he saw the world and how much his presence impacted my life. I pray that he's okay, I don't want him to be...

Well as the great Thomas once put it, It's neither here nor there. I know I didn't talk to him much due to school and work, but when I did see him, they were the best days of my life. If only I told him that, If only I told him what was on my mind, maybe he wouldn't have done what he did. If only he knew how much he meant to me. Thomas please come home. I miss you. without you, my light dies.
-Ash-

"When you commit suicide you're not just killing yourself, you're killing the one's closest to you. The one's who would give their life and soul for you to be happy. If you're reading this and you're feeling depressed or having thoughts of suicide reach out, don't just keep all those feelings inside. You are loved for and cared for and if you don't think so just know I was in your place, I know how you feel and f***ing love you because you survived this long. Your story must go on, the world would lose such a precious prize if you committed suicide. Life isn't just sad, life is what you make it. Keep your light shining bright."