Death. It used to scare me when I was first diagnosed, but now that I have been sick for one year, I just want to get it over with. I want to go, but I don't at the same time.  I think about my wife and my beautiful daughter, and how I would miss them so much. All of the pain I have gone through is more painful to my family than it is to me. My wife Maggie is beautiful. She has long blonde hair with hazel eyes. She still looks the same as when she was in high school. She hasn’t aged a bit, and I’m so lucky to have her. She does so much for me. Whether it be listening to me going on and on about the Green Bay Packers or just taking me to get my chemotherapy. That was the hardest thing for her. She hated watching me get chemo. Elizabeth, my seven-year-old daughter, didn't always understand what was happening to me, and that’s what always made me sad. I think about her witnessing this, and I think to myself that no one at her age should be seeing her father die.
As I was laying in the hospital bed, I could feel the grief surrounding me. I felt a cool hand grip my arm and the voice was familiar, loving, and naïve. It was Elizabeth. As I opened my eyes, she was standing there observing me. I had a bald head, I was pale, and I was the skinniest I had ever been in my life. I was trying to focus in on Elizabeth's voice, but all I heard were the ticking time bombs behind me. The machines. Each one of them was beeping, but the only one I listened to was the heart rate monitor. As I focused in on Elizabeth, she looked at me and asked "Are you going to leave Mommy and me?"
I responded, "I love you, my little princess."
I was trying to avoid the question as long as I could. She asked again, and gripped my arm even tighter. I knew she wanted a serious answer. I finally had to respond and say, "Sweetie, we all leave this world at some time. I am so sorry princess, but you and your mother will be…" I was interrupted with my own cough. While I was struggling to catch my breath, I finished my sentence and said, "You and your mother will be fine."
She stared right into my eyes and slowly backed away. Her blonde hair was up in a ponytail, and I was staring right into her ocean like eyes. She had her Cinderella backpack on like she always did. She just stared at me. I’m sure she could see death in my eyes. I saw the tears form in her eyes, each one was like a bullet hitting me. I didn't want to leave her. I wish I could've gone back and not smoked a pack a day. This cancer was my fault, and it was following me around just like my personal demon.
I went to grab my wife's hand and I felt a strange thing. It was in my lungs. I leaned over to my wife and said "Get the nurse…NOW." Something wasn't right, and I knew it was time. As the nurse ran in she gave me a dose of morphine, and it made the pain stop. I felt no pain for once since I was diagnosed. As I started to get loopy and drift off, I realized I hadn't said my goodbyes. I wasn't ready to go yet, but it wasn't because I was scared. I first looked to my right and there was my wife. As I looked at her, I caught a glimpse of our wedding day. I told her I loved her, and I told her to take care of our baby girl. She nodded and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I then looked at my daughter, and I caught a glimpse of when she was born. I looked at her and told her everything was going to be okay, and to listen to her mother.
She stared into my eyes and replied, "Okay Daddy. I will see you soon." She still didn’t completely understand what was going on.
As I began to leave this world I saw the light and felt comforted, and I knew I was approaching something I had once feared… Death.