It was sharing time. At the end of every day our teacher, who we call Ms. Bubbles, makes us sit on a circle rug that was supposed to resemble the Earth and take turns answering a question. I rushed to sit next to my best friend Charlie. I liked sitting next to him because during sharing time Ms. Bubbles always made us hold hands with the person we sat next to. We did this because it’s a “bonding activity.” I didn’t really know what that meant; all I knew was that I liked the way Charlie’s hand felt in mine. It somehow managed to be soft despite the number of times he caught himself falling off his bike, or paddled through dirt in his backyard in search of “remnants of prehistoric life.”
Today Ms. Bubbles asked us to name our favorite animal and tell us one cool fact we know about it. First went Mark and he liked raccoons. Next went Anna and she liked giraffes. Richard liked lions. By the time Lydia was telling us about how good cats were at jumping, I started paying more attention to the rug than to what the other kids had to say. The rug was old. Loose, frayed strings stuck out in obscure places; some kids liked to pull them out and throw them in each other’s hair. The blue and green––the sea and continents––twirled together in an almost perfect harmony and it reminded me of the paint my mom used to grace across canvas. Before she got sick again.
“My favorite animal is the Triceratops! And my cool fact about it is that they had to have three horns to protect itself from the big, mean Tyrannosaurus Rex,” Charlie stated proudly. I smiled at him. We let go of each other’s hands for a second to high-five. Silence fell across the room like a thick blanket.
“That doesn’t count!” Bobby exclaimed from across the rug. “The dinosaurs are dead! They’re not real anymore.”
Charlie’s porcelain cheeks flushed, his face resembling that of a doll’s––something that always happened when he was embarrassed. But he also looked hurt. I didn’t like the way his face fell when Bobby yelled at him. For some reason it made me mad. A cool rawness began pooling in my belly. I clutched onto one of Carrot’s ears, my knuckles turning a snowy white. His coffee brown fur tickled the inside of my hand.
“Just because they don’t exist anymore doesn’t mean they weren’t real animals!” I shouted back at Bobby angrily. The unusual spout of fury silenced everyone for one, brief moment. Soon everybody started proclaiming their opinions. The whole circle became a chaotic sea of wavering opinions. I gripped onto Carrot harder. I didn’t like the noise.
“Well my dad told me that dinosaurs don’t exist and he’s the smartest person I know!” shouted Mark.
“Yes they do! If they didn’t then what are all the dinosaur bones doing in the museum?” countered Harper.
“I know dinosaurs exist! I saw them one night in my backyard!” stated the kid who never showered.
Ms. Bubbles clapped her hands three times in a row and the room grew so quiet you could hear a pin drop. She inhaled deeply. The multitude of necklaces she wore gently clanged against each other as she tied her greying, frizzy hair into a messy ponytail.
“Bobby,” she spoke gently. “It’s perfectly okay if dinosaurs are Charlie’s favorite animal. Just because something is dead doesn’t mean it’s gone forever.”

At the end of the day, Ms. Bubbles let us go to our cubbies to get our backpacks. While the rest of the kids chattered away, I stood by Charlie holding Carrot close to my chest and inhaling the familiar scent of home. I loved learning at school but I’d much rather be at home with my mom or playing with Charlie.
The classroom was so big compared to me. Four walls, plastered in motivational posters of frogs that said “Jump Into Learning!” or a kitten hanging on a tree branch that said “Just Hang in There.” Twenty-four desks were arranged in tables of four and sat sporadically throughout the classroom. A few bookshelves stood tall in the back, which held board games with missing pieces and books––most of which had torn covers.
When we were finally dismissed, I asked Charlie if he wanted to come over and play. He said he couldn’t because he was taking a karate lesson. I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. Charlie was my only friend. But for some reason I felt more disheartened about it than usual.
That evening during dinner, I didn’t talk much because I was too preoccupied by the thoughts that were surrounding my brain like ants to a piece of bubblegum. I couldn’t shake the thought of the new feelings I felt whenever I was with Charlie.
When I was with him, it felt like my heart was playing jump rope. My hands got sweaty like I was holding the monkey bars for too long. I wanted to hug him like I hug Carrot when he’s fresh out of the washing machine. But I don’t think I liked Carrot in the same way that I liked Charlie.
“Mommy, how do you know you’re in love?”
My mom’s face broke into a warm smile. She spooned some of the steaming soup into her mouth to prevent herself from laughing.
“Well little rabbit, I think that’s kind of a big question for me to be answering,” she said in her usual, honey-like voice. I turned the spoon over in my bowl three times.
“Okay but how do you think you know you’re in love?” I pressed. She put her head in her hand and exhaled deeply.
“Well, I think you’re in love whenever the person you’re with always makes you happy,” she answered, folding her bony, papery fingers together.
I pondered this idea for a moment, twirling the idea over and over again in my mind. When I was with Charlie, he made me happy. I didn’t have to think about the bad things: the mean kids at school, my mom being really sick, being told I have to grow up. All of that seemed to fall away when I was with him.
“What’s brought this on all of a sudden?”
I stayed quiet. I studied our kitchen’s floral wallpaper and the comfortable glow of the light fixture that hung above us. Outside the trees were being shaded in hues of the approaching evening. It was almost my bedtime.
“Mommy, I think I’m in love with Charlie.”

When I got home the next day, I inhaled deeply. The first breath of air that hit me was warm and crashed down upon me like a wave at sea. Second grade was really hard.
My mom walked in a few steps behind. She’s been walking slower than usual lately. But I tried not to think twice about it. She always told me I’m a worrier. While she went off to the kitchen, I scampered upstairs to put my backpack away and grab Carrot. Ms. Bubbles only allowed me to bring him to school three days a week. She told me that I’m “too old to be indulging in such childish behaviors.” I didn’t know why she thought that. I didn’t know why bringing him to school was such a problem. He made me feel better. But I did what I was told anyways.
My room was small and cluttered with toys. Stuffed animals, books read and reread a million times, Legos, and wooden cars were strewn across the dark hardwood floor. The walls were painted a soft baby yellow accompanied by paintings of rabbits hung seemingly at random. My bed was white and wiry, pushed up against a window that overlooked the street below. I could see Charlie’s house from that window. A smoky blue comforter covered the bed along with a pile of pillows and atop that laid Carrot. I grabbed him swiftly and bounded down the stairs back to the kitchen.
“Mommy, can Charlie come over and play today?” I asked, hopping onto one of the kitchen chairs. She poured us both a glass of milk and sat in her usual spot across from me.
“I don’t see why not. Why don’t you go ahead and call him?”
I glanced up at a list titled “IMPORTANT NUMBERS” on a faded salmon index card that hung on the fridge. Among the list, which included Aunt Lilac, Grandma and Grandpa, and Doctor Perez, was Charlie’s name, freshly inked since I just obtained the skill of using a phone.
He said he could come over, and not even a minute later there were three little knocks at the door.
Together, we walked back into the kitchen. Charlie and my mom greeted each other and when she asked us what we were going to do Charlie told her we were going on an adventure.
My backyard was more than a backyard when Charlie and I played together. It became our own little world. The Mesozoic Era when we were dinosaurs, the rainforest when we climbed in the trees, Mount Everest when it was snowy, even places beyond Earth.
And today, we were superheroes, saving a beautiful girl from the clutches of the evil Lord Ratalia (part human, part rat; it was all explained the last time we played this game). After serving Lord Ratalia (or Carrot) a fatal punch, we both collapsed to the ground giggling uncontrollably. A few minutes passed, and soon everything fell silent, the only noise coming from our heavy breathing and the little bursts of wind.
“Hey Charlie, d-do you think next time we play this game we could save a handsome boy instead of a beautiful woman?” I was nervous to speak, but I had to get the thought out of my head and into the open. It was like jumping into a swimming pool for the first time.
“A handsome boy? Wouldn’t you rather save a beautiful girl so she could be forever grateful and you could marry her?” Charlie asked in a teasing tone. I hugged Carrot a little closer.
“No.”
“Why?” Charlie’s tone changed to one coated in pure confusion. As if it was the most bizarre thing he ever heard.
“I don’t know.” I start to bite my lip.
“You have to have a reason, Leo.”
“Well I don’t,” I responded firmly.
“Yes you do. Why?” Charlie pressed.
The nervous feeling started pooling in my tummy again. The feeling I got when I’m about to get a shot at the doctor’s. Or when I go somewhere and forget Carrot at home. Or whenever I raised my hand to look like I knew the answer even though I didn’t. The same feeling I got when I don’t know what to do. Or when I’m about to say something I shouldn’t.
“Because I don’t ever want to marry a girl! I don’t want to hold hands with them or kiss them or date them. I think girls are icky and boys are handsome!”
“Oh,” was all Charlie said.
I felt like I did something wrong. Something very, very wrong.
I turned to look at Charlie. The wind had brushed a few wisps of dark hair in front of his eyes. The sun illuminated his face like a piece of art. His emerald green eyes glistened like gems and highlighted every freckle that danced across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. I thought he was the most handsome boy I’ve ever seen.
I started to stare back up at the sky wishing the endless blue would swallow my body. I stared and stared until I couldn’t. The sky started to twirl around and around above me. I still felt wrong.
I pressed Carrot’s face up against mine and tried my hardest not to cry.
“I’m sorry,” I choked.
“You shouldn’t be sorry if this is how you feel.”
“Really?” I asked, pulling Carrot away and wiping at the tears that managed to fall.
“Of course. You’re my best friend Leo, and I wouldn’t stop being your friend if you wanted to date a boy. That’s silly!”
“Pinky promise?” I held up my pinky between us.
“Pinky promise.” He wrapped his around mine.
A few moments later, my mom called us in. I challenged him to a race, knowing he’d never back down from that. We ran and ran like we were athletes in a marathon. He won, of course; he’s always been much faster than me. But I didn’t care because he was my best friend. And when he was happy, I was happy too.

A light gust of wind waded through the classroom from a cracked window later that Wednesday afternoon. It was only spring but the first breath of summer had already made its way into the air.
Ms. Bubbles had two rules for giving out birthday invitations in her classroom: 1) it had to be at the end of the day and 2) there had to be enough for everybody. It was almost time for dismissal. Everyone was scrambling to stuff their backpacks with notebooks and pencils and worksheets and crayons. Lily yelled at Kevin for pulling Holly’s hair. And Tommy chased Adam around repeatedly chanting, “Bob the Builder! Bob the Builder!” Ashley stole Hayden’s smelly markers and he was demanding that she give them back. Collectively, it was a nightmare come to life.
“Alright, alright everybody settle down, settle down now,” Ms. Bubbles said as she stood up from her desk. The room quickly hushed. We sat back down at our desks as Ms. Bubbles made her way to the front of the room. She beckoned for Charlie and Bobby to come foreword and handed them each a collection of envelopes. They were birthday invitations.
The two boys circled around the room, setting invitations on every kid’s desk. Charlie’s envelopes were yellow and had outlines of orange dinosaurs splayed across it. A smile stretched wide across my face when Charlie had handed me mine.
Bobby wasn’t as kind when he more or less tossed a dark blue envelope at me. I tried to catch it, but my hands ended up slapping each other as the paper fell through and sashayed to the ground. Bobby laughed. “What a twerp! You can’t even catch a piece of paper.”
I inhaled deeply through my nose and closed my eyes. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
“What’s wrong, Leo?” Charlie asked. I hadn’t realized he made his way back to my desk when he finished passing out the invitations. I opened my eyes again to see Charlie searching me with his curious, green ones.
“Bobby called me a twerp,” I sniffled.
“Oh Leo, you know that’s not true. Bobby’s just a meanie.” I laughed when he said this. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms tightly around me. I wasn’t expecting it, but I didn’t mind it. In fact, I wanted to stay like that forever. If Gorilla Glue could seep between us and attach us like that, I wouldn’t complain.
But he pulled away too soon. “But seriously don’t listen to him, okay? He’s the biggest twerp I know.”

I was sprawled out on the living room floor busily coloring a picture of a dinosaur to give to Charlie for his birthday. Mommy was laying down on the couch watching the news and talking to me about my day. She spoke softly, like we were in church. She told me she was feeling a little bit sick again, but I wasn’t allowed to worry because she promised me that she would get better. And Mommy never breaks her promises to me. The doorbell rang. I sprang up and ran to answer it.
“Aunt Lilac!” I chirped when I opened the door.
“Hi my little bunny boy!” she cooed as she stepped through the door. Her smile glowed. It reminded me of a crescent moon.
I loved my Aunt Lilac because she was like my mom and my friend. She always took care of me when my mom was too sick. And when she did, she always made it fun. Aunt Lilac loved to color with me and watch all my favorite movies. She loved dogs and we always played together with the two she had. She was also very, very beautiful, with her long brown hair and eyes that mimicked stars and she always wore really pretty dresses.
Aunt Lilac also had a long, bubbled red scar on her neck. You usually can’t see it because her hair hides it, but one time when we were rolling down the hill I did. Later on, I asked my mom why Aunt Lilac had that scar and she told me that a very mean man she used to know told her he loved her, but lied and hurt her. Mommy cried a little bit after she told me that. I told myself I’d understand better when I’m bigger.
Aunt Lilac brought a pizza with her because my mom was too sick to cook anything. She sat the greasy white box and a few paper plates on the dark wooden coffee table in the middle of the room. She leaned down to hug my mom and ask her how she was doing. Their voices were hushed like little mice and I couldn’t make out what they were saying. I wasn’t supposed to anyways.
“What are you drawing there, Leo?” Aunt Lilac asked as I continued to scribble a reptilian green crayon across paper.
“A dinosaur,” I answered. “It’s for my best friend. His name is Charlie and he makes me happy.” Mommy and Aunt Lilac both giggled at me when I said this, but I wasn’t trying to be funny. It was true.
They continued to talk as I colored furiously. I decided to draw a bunny next to the dinosaur. I decided to make them hold hands because I would really like to hold Charlie’s hand and tell everyone that he is my boyfriend. Sometimes on TV, people say that it’s wrong for boys to like boys and girls to like girls. When I asked Mommy why people thought that, she told me that some people don’t like it because they don’t understand that love is love. I asked her if they were going to say that mean stuff to me if Charlie is my boyfriend. She promised me she wouldn’t let that happen.
“Look! It’s all done!” I announced, presenting my picture to Mommy and Aunt Lilac. They told me that they were both very impressed and said that it looked like it belonged in an art gallery. I smiled really big.
“Are the bunny and the dinosaur holding hands?” Aunt Lilac asked. I nodded. “Yep! You see the bunny is me and the dinosaur is Charlie.”
Aunt Lilac looked at my mommy and she smiled. “Yep. It seems as if our little rabbit’s growing up. He’s already gotta crush on somebody very special.”
“Mommy told me that when somebody always makes you happy that’s how you know you love them. And Charlie always makes me feel happy so that’s why I’m going to make him my boyfriend.”
Aunt Lilac laughed. “And how are you going to do that?”
“I’m going to ask him at his birthday party so it’s extra special! He gave me a hug today too, so I think we’re making progress!”

Usually when Aunt Lilac came to visit, she liked to spend a night or two with us. I loved it when she stayed because we got to spend more time together. Mommy went to bed early that night. I told myself not to worry. Aunt Lilac had to help her get up the stairs, but after that we ate cookies and drank milk and watched Bambi. I fell asleep halfway through. Sleep cradled my worrying body like a baby.
Aunt Lilac woke me a few hours later. She must’ve moved me from the couch to my bed because my comforter swaddled me like a cocoon. I knew it was early in the morning because the sky had been blasted with a concoction of pretty colors.
“Sweetie…Leo,” she spoke carefully trying to get my attention. “Sweetie, your mommy is in the hospital again.”
I looked at her. Her warm, brown eyes were glazed and red. She was obviously crying before she woke me, but didn’t want me to know. I always knew though. We’ve been through this a million times before, but this time felt different. This time Aunt Lilac cried harder and my heart started to beat faster and the whole world felt heavier.
Mommy going to the hospital was always hard because we never knew if the trip would be her last. I tried not to think about it, but it weighed on the back of my mind like a rock because I knew it was true. She would stay there anywhere from a few days to a few weeks or months. And even though I loved to spend time with Aunt Lilac, home never felt like home when she was gone. It felt like I was living with ghosts.
“Can we go see her?” I asked. Aunt Lilac nodded.

It was Friday and Mommy wasn’t doing much better. I was sitting in the backyard. Charlie and I rolled a ball back and forth as he talked with a toothy smile about his party. I tried to match his excitement, but thoughts about my mom being in the hospital kept pecking like crows at the back of my mind.
I rolled the ball to Charlie. He stopped it. “Leo, what’s wrong?”
Tears clouded my eyes like a brewing storm. This time, I didn’t try to fight them back. I let them trek down my cheeks like narrow streams. Charlie reached out to try and catch a few with his hand, but it was pointless.
“I-I think my mommy’s gonna die,” my voice was strained. It felt as if a brick building finally collapsed down upon me as I uttered this at last. Charlie crawled over to me and wrapped his arms around me.
“N-no she’s not. She’s okay, yeah, she’s okay. I promise.” Charlie held out his pinkie.

The chair I sat in next to Mommy’s bed was too tall. I kicked my legs back and forth like a pendulum. I never liked hospitals. They smelled like a terrible mixture of rawness and bleach, everything was either grey or blue or white, and the nurses always looked at me with sad, doe-like eyes.
Today was the day of Charlie’s birthday party. But I couldn’t go. Aunt Lilac said that it was very important for me to be at the hospital because my mommy wanted me there. I really wanted to be with her too, but I also wanted to be with Charlie at the party. Mommy was going to be okay. Charlie promised me she would. She promised me she would.
But as time carried on, it was getting harder and harder for her to talk. She sat up in her bed taking deep, painful breathes as she tried to keep up with what Aunt Lilac and I were saying.
Mommy motioned me to sit on the bed with her, which I did. I curled up next to her, pressing my skin against hers. It was cold. I didn’t say anything about it.
She gathered all of the energy within her to press soft, gentle kisses to my head. “I love you so much, little rabbit,” she whispered to me.

A few hours later she fell into a coma. And a few hours after that she died. I didn’t like to think about it or else I would start crying. When Aunt Lilac and I went home that night, the ghosts were plentiful. Everything that ever stood in that house reminded me of her.
Aunt Lilac and I held each other while we cried. The tears shook our bodies like hurricanes, and when we became too tired to carry on, we fell asleep like that.
When we woke up the next morning unrest was still lively throughout the house. Aunt Lilac, still wearing clothes that reeked of the hospital and her hair tied in a nest-like bun, tiredly made us breakfast.
We ate in silence. The phone rang. And rang. And rang. Aunt Lilac stared at the kitchen table, not even making a slight effort to move. When the obnoxious ring finally ceased, the sound of my mother’s dewy voice swaddled the air. Aunt Lilac squeezed her eyes tightly together.
“Leo,” the voice began. It was Charlie. He sounded sad. “Please call me back.”
Aunt Lilac looked at me. I shook my head no. “I don’t think I’m in the mood to play today.”
Charlie called three more times that day. Neither Aunt Lilac nor I answered the phone, and just sat in a painful silence whenever the answering machine began and my mother’s voice snuck its way into the air. She was gone, but it didn’t feel like it.

I couldn’t sleep that night because I couldn’t stop thinking about my mom. I stared out the window. Everything outside this house carried on seamlessly. Everything was perfectly normal. When I grew frustrated of watching I turned away from the window, and shut my eyes tightly, blindly hoping it would lull to sleep. My brain was exhausted.
Plink.
I opened my eyes.
Plink. Plink.
I sat up in my bed and crawled back over to the window. Below a small figure with a shock of scruffy, dark hair stood below. I opened my window.
“Charlie, why are you throwing rocks at my window?” I asked in hushed voice. Charlie dropped the few pebbles he had left in his hand to cup them over his mouth in a poor attempt at projecting his voice.
“I saw it in a movie once. Please come down here. I need to talk to you,” Charlie whispered back.
“I-I don’t really think I want to talk.”
“Please talk to me, Leo. You haven’t been at school, you won’t come over to play…you didn’t even come to my birthday party,” Charlie said.
I didn’t say anything. I looked at the milky white paint chipping away to reveal its dark wooden flesh and slowly shut the window.
I creeped down the steps as quietly as a mouse. Aunt Lilac was passed out on the couch clutching onto one of Mommy’s old sweaters like a lifeline.
Charlie’s body was illuminated by the ivory rays of moonlight that descended from the sky. I stood in front of him, darkness suffocated the both of us. I could barely make out his eyes or the freckles that splayed across his cheeks. He was taller than me. But I still looked to the ground as I spoke.
“I’m sorry for not going to your birthday party,” I muttered, eyes fixated on the grass that felt like a wet towel beneath my bare feet. “How was it?”
“Nobody showed up,” he answered sadly. “They all went to Bobby’s party. That’s why I really wanted you there, Leo. Because even if nobody was there, I’d have you to make me happy.”
I swallowed hard. I didn’t say anything. Did he really just say I made him happy?
“Where were you?” He asked.
I kept my eyes on the ground like they were sewn there. I stayed quiet again.
“Well m-my mom s-she’s…” I stopped as tears bloomed in my eyes and the next word nested in the back of my throat like a pigeon. I never said it before now. “Dead.”
“Oh,” Charlie whispered.
I quickly pressed my arm to my mouth to prevent a choked sob from escaping. But I couldn’t suppress it any longer. He stepped forward and wrapped his long, pale arms tightly around my shaking body. But I didn’t hug him back. Right now, I don’t even think Charlie could make me happy.