Smoke billowed off the top of a roof across campus. The sun beamed down a crisp golden light on the frosted grounds. Lily stood gazing out at the cold from the warmth of her calculus classroom. The bell rang; doors sprang open, students spilled down the steps, students yelling, students laughing, students complaining, all making their way towards the pillar of smoke. Lily stood still. She waited, looking out the frosted window at the maze of students clamoring towards the dining hall. She picked up her bag and pushed open the door. The piercing cold air and icy rays drenched her with chills and sent goose pimples up her spine, but Lily didn’t complain like Aly, or yell like Cass. She watched her friends across campus their scarfs shooting back and hats flying off by gusts of icy winter breath. Lily could almost hear Aly whining about the cold, and Cass telling her to buck up. A smile forced itself past her facade and onto her small face. Her blue eyes glittered in the golden light. Lily stood watching the last of the crowd file into the dining hall, then she began to walk slowly towards the smoke stacks.

The smell of grilled cheese filled Lily’s nose as she entered the loud dining hall. She hung her coat up and looked for her friends: Aly, Erin, Kira, and Cass. Aly was standing in line; the other three sat at their usual table. Lily walked up to Aly, “Hey.” Aly didn’t answer. Ugh, Lily thought. Why does she always do this? “Hey!” Lily said again, bumping into Aly.

“Hey watch yourself… Oh! Ha ha! Hey, Lily, how are you?” Aly said and flipped her hair.

“I’m okay, but…” Lily stammered.

  “Oh my god it’s frickin’ freezing outside! I just can't stand it! I hate winter!” Aly interrupted and moved up in line grabbing a plate and fork.

“Yeah, I guess…Hey can I talk to you later?” Lily answered shrugging.

“Yea, yea, of course….Oh my god this frickin’ food! What am I supposed to eat? They never serve good gluten free paleo vegan food! What is this stuff? Ugh!” Aly dropped her fork and stomped off towards the salad bar. Lily served herself a grilled cheese and a bowl of hot tomato soup. Nothing like a little soul food to warm you up inside, Lily thought to herself as she walked towards the rest of the group.

Erin and Kira were having a discussion about the November 1st application deadline looming over them, while Cass laughed at their academic struggles and made jokes out of their problems. Cass never had to try. Her parents had paved the way for her academically, and her coaches never let the ball drop when it came to athletics. She committed to Kenyon College her sophomore year for swimming and hadn’t thought about college since. On the other hand Erin, Aly, and Lily were not riding their sports into college. Lily slumped down next to Erin, and picked at her food. She couldn’t think about college essays and applications. It was too much and too stressful for her right now. Lily needed her friends to know her secret, but she was scared to tell them, scared of what they would think of her, scared they would say she provoked it. I have to tell them, she thought. I have to. They are my friends and they will be there for me no matter what, they have to, she thought. Lily swallowed and cleared her throat, “Hey guys...,” her voice was scratchy and hoarse. She cleared it again. “Hey guys, can I talk to you about something?”

“Yes, as long as it has nothing to do with complaining about college applications or boyfriend struggles,” Cass said rolling her eyes at Erin and Kira.

“Just because you aren’t good enough to have a man like mine doesn’t mean you have to hate on me for having what you can’t,” Kira spat at Cass and spilled water on her. “Oops…looks like I’m not the one with a problem now.” Kira smirked.

“Really! You think I can’t handle a little water? Last time I checked you are actually scared of water,” Cass retorted.

“I.. I.. I’m not!” Kira stammered.

“How about we go test that,” Cass said stealing the smirk right off Kira’s face.

“Guys um... calm down…” Eyes locked, glaring at one another, the girls blocked out Erin’s quiet attempts at defusing the situation. Erin immediately gave up and dropped her eyes to her plate when the two sets of angry eyes turned to look at her in annoyance.

“Hey guys!” Aly plopped down and bit into a tomato. “Oh my god! it’s so sour!!! Ewwww!” She grabbed a napkin and spat it out.

“Oh suck it up,” Cass scoffed, shifting her attention to Aly. “It’s only as sour as your attitude,” she added with a smirk.

“I can’t believe you would even say that. That is so rude!” Aly whined.

“Chill, chill! I’m just messing with you...Jeez,” Cass placated while drying herself and wiping the table with napkins. She cut her eyes at Kira and grunted.

Erin, remembering Lily had mentioned she wanted to talk about something,

“What’s going on, Lily? Is everything okay?” The black hole inside Lily’s stomach grew. She couldn’t do it. Not now. Not here. Not when they were already estranged and squabbling.

“No... um...I don’t feel so well. I’ll talk to you later.” Lily got up and carried her tray to the dish pit.

A warm tear ran down her cheek, but it chilled in an instant as she pushed open the doors and met the frozen air. Lily faced the sky, closed her eyes and smiled. Her tear froze, ingrained on her cheek, but invisible on her face. Chills ran through her body as she flashed back to that night, frozen, unable to move, unable to scream. Her stomach began to turn again; her legs shook beneath her; the hills turned to waves and her vision blurred. Lily wanted to scream, to call for help, to push him off of her, she wanted to… breathe. Lily, breathe. Breathe, she told herself; breathe slowly. She opened her eyes. They were filled to the brim with icy tears, ready to burst. The sky was a calming robin’s egg blue, the snow milky white like her favorite animal, a polar bear. Lily spoke to herself under her breath, describing the towering trees, the bitter cold, and tightness of her shoes. Her heart rate began to fall, beating slower. Inhale, exhale. She was standing still, alone, frozen, just like she had been that night.

After the last golden rays set over the western mountain, the wind howled through campus. It screamed through the trees, knocking on doors, teasing the roofs, and cat calling the power lines. Earlier Kira had gossiped about how she was going to skip her responsibilities to hang out with her boyfriend for the better part of the night. Erin had made the trek to the library, where she worked without falter for hours, tabbing, highlighting and color coding, never breaking until her work was complete. The adventure from dinner to the dorm had been enough excitement for Aly for the day, and everyone knew that. She had burst through the front door with the same power as the wind outside, yelling, “Oh my god the wind was blowing me over! We can't walk out there… it’s crazy! The wind blew me over into this guy and oh my…..” the story went on longer and longer every time she retold it. The world championship swim meet was on ESPN. This meant Cass had been glued to her computer since it started, and it would be impossible to talk to her until the meet was finished.

Lily sat alone in her room, staring at a blank screen titled “college essay.” She couldn’t find anything about herself that she thought was worth writing about. In her eyes, she lacked spark. Lily sat pondering what struggles she had overcome during her seventeen years. There was the time when her horse had rolled over while she was riding him during a horse show. No, she thought, there’s no hook. Maybe she could write about the time she won her first ski race, or when she moved away from home to boarding school. No. Lily dropped her eyes to look at the crumpled papers and math text book she had thrown in the corner of her room. Even now she couldn’t get away from him, thoughts of him crept into her mind. He sat in front of her every Wednesday morning and Thursday afternoon solving equations, going about his day without remorse. She began to cry slowly, quietly, alone. Her mind went blank, just like the screen in front of her. She began to flash back to that night; her skin began to crawl and goose bumps spread down her legs. She looked down at her trembling hands and began to shake her head, then her arms, and then her legs. Her limbs moved on their own spasming like a fish out of water her body flailing around, begging to get back in the water, to get back in control. She caught a glimpse of a girl sitting still, silent and confident in a mirror behind her. Lily’s turned her to look at the girl. Lily’s body still thrashing beneath her, Lily made eye contact with the girl. The frozen caribbean sea looked back at Lily through two big blue eyes. Convulsing on the floor Lily reached a trembling hand toward the girl. Lily begged for help, for support, for the confidence she saw in the girls eyes. The girl closed her eyes and filled her lungs with air, then released the air slowly. A tear slipped down Lily’s right cheek “Help me” she stammered beginning to weep. “Help me god damn it.” Lily cried into the floor. Picking herself up off the floor she saw happiness, respect and confidence staring back at her through the girls eyes. Lily reached her shaking hand towards the girl, she wanted to take back who she use to be, to take back her happiness, her respect and her confidence. She wanted to take back that night. But her fighttips hit a panel separating her from her old self. Two ocean blue eyes stared back so close, but unreachable. Lily couldn’t cry anymore, but she felt dry tears fall down her bare skin. I need to tell them, she thought. Tonight, tonight I'll do it.
The clock was ticking, and Lily’s panic attacks were worsening. She wanted the support; she needed the support. Hey guys, where are you? Can we talk? Lily texted in their group chat. Yea, let’s meet in your room Lil. Erin replied. Minutes later the five of them sat in Lily’s room.

“What’s going on, Lily?” Erin asked sincerely. Lily knew this would be hard. She felt like she wanted to back out, to come up with something else, something fake, a lie. But she knew she had to tell them. They were her friends; they had to be there for her, right? She needed their support. Inhale, exhale. Lily began to unravel her story. She told them that she was not okay. She panicked everyday and couldn't control it. She told them how alone she felt. She told them she couldn't do anything about it. She told them she didn’t ask for it. She told them she didn’t want it.

The girls’ faces grew long, full of concern. They didn’t understand what Lily was talking about, but they knew she was hurting. “Lily, I’m sorry to have to ask this, but what are you talking about? What happened?” Erin asked. It dawned on Lily that she had never said it aloud, because she didn’t want it to be true, and because the thought alone sent her into vivid fits. But she knew she had to now. Inhale, exhale.

“I was raped,” Lily mumbled. She was not crying before the words came out. But as she spoke them, her eyes burst, silently howling to the winds for support. A blanket of deep silence fell over the room. No one spoke. Weights dropped the girls’ eyes to the floor. At the same time, Lily felt some of her pain lift; she had said it; she had told them; they would support her, she thought.

“By who?” Kira asked quietly.

The worst was over. I can say his name, Lily thought. “It was Kevin.” She had barely let the words drain out of her mouth before Cass let out a light chuckle.

“Kevin! You must be joking!” she laughed as Lily turned to look at her in dismay. “You really expect us to believe that our friend Kevin, socially awkward Kevin, who cannot get a girl to save his life, actually raped you?”

“Yes.” Lily replied slapping her hands on the floor and  succumbing to the tears streaming down her fair cheeks. “He did.” Her new-found confidence began to slip from her fingers.

“I mean Lil, Cass has a point. I totally understand what you are going through, because guys are all over me all the time. But I don’t shout rape,”  Aly said. “I mean really, it’s Kevin. He’s harmless.”

“No, no he’s not. I’m telling you he’s not,” Lily stammered through her scratchy throat. “You don't believe me?”

“He would never do that. Kevin is my boy, just chill, he’s harmless” Cass scoffed and got up, shaking her head. Aly stood up and rolled her eyes,

“You know Lil, people always tell me I'm the dramatic one. But really, it’s you.” Aly smirked then opened the door, flipping her hair, and added, “Next time at least make the lies believable.”  The door slammed shut, sucking the confidence out of Lily’s heart, draining her.

Erin and Kira sat in silence, not sure of how to feel, how to understand what they had just heard. Erin stood up and hugged Lily. She didn’t understand how Kevin, a thin plaid loving, overworked, innocent, boy could have raped her dear friend. She quickly thought through all the outcomes, listing them. No Erin thought, no I can’t believe it. Erin pulled away staring down at the floor, at least I’m not the only one who doesn’t believe Lily, she thought. Kira looked puzzled, like there was a piece that just didn't fit, like Lily had left something out. The three of them sat in silence. Until Kira cleared her throat saying, “Lil, are you sure you didn’t provoke it? You can be really flirtatious sometimes. Maybe it was a misunderstanding?” The pain that had been lifted off Lily’s back when she confided in her friends, now slammed back down on top of her like a sledge hammer as each as each friends doubted her and walked out on her.

“No! I did not want it,” Lily answered. Kira bit her lip, wondering if she should press on. Lily hadn’t answered her. She waited a second.

“Lily, I know you didn’t want it, but are you sure you didn’t provoke him with your actions or what you were wearing? Kevin is a really nice guy, and I just can’t see him doing this.” Kira questioned with a reassuring tone. But it was not reassuring for Lily to hear a third friend doubt her pain and her story.

“No, I did not want it.” Lily told Kira again, this time looking directly into Kira’s big brown eyes.

“Okay Lil, whatever you say,” Kira said dismissively, knowing in her heart that Kevin would never rape someone, especially not a friend. Kira got up, “Well, I’m here for you if you need me,” she said with her back turned away from Lily. She didn’t mean it, and she hoped that Lily would not come to her again with these lies. The door closed behind Kira, stripping Lily of her last shred of confidence. She sat in silence, holding her own hand, feeling the dry tears ingrained on her cheeks. Erin, still looking at the floor, got up and patted her friend on the shoulder. She paused by the door, watching Lily pull herself into a teary ball. Maybe, maybe it was true Erin thought, looking down. I support her she thought, but I cannot be there for her, I am not strong enough. Erin took one last look at the Lily sitting on the floor hugging herself in a mess of her own tears, she met the girls big blue eyes dripping with pain. Her eyes begged Erin to stay, to be strong, to support her and help her through her sorrow. It was too much, Erin broke her gaze with the girl, and slipped out the door following Cass, Aly and Kira. Lily sat alone hugging herself.

There was no avoiding the blank screen staring at Lily, nor the looming Lily did not need the support of her friends; she only wanted it. It had been weeks since she confided in them, and yet they still did not support her. Earlier that day Lily had trudged through the unplowed snow, through two large bras handled doors, and up three sets of stairs to her calculus classroom. Pausing at the door, she blinked and held her eyes shut just a second longer, searching for comfort, for confidence. She walked toward the scrawny head of unkempt black hair and took her seat behind Kevin. Panic, fear, rage, sorrow, and anger rushed through her veins, she looked at the pencil tightly clenched in her fist beginning to tremble. Breath; one, two, three, inhale, exhale. The pencil slowed, with her breath, four, five. Lily’s hands ceased shaking. Her lips twitched forming a slight smile. She had controlled the panic within her, she had found comfort within herself.

Over a hundred students littered the dining hall, chatting, joking, and filling their tummies with burgers and curly fries. Lily stood holding her tray frozen, she didn’t know where to go, Kira, Cass, Erin and Aly hadn’t spoken to her since last night. They sat at their usual table gossiping, and complaining about college, sports and boys. Lily stood in front of the maze of tables, she had never realized how daunting a meal could be without her friends. Her eyes began to well with tears, a spot light was on her but no one was watching. She spotted an empty dimly lit table in a far corner and made her way towards it, fighting to dam her eyes and hold back her tears. She reached the table, a gushing stream began to erupt from her big blue eyes. She did not begin to shake or worry that someone would see her pain. Lily let the tears fall, and with each one she began to let go of the attachment to her agony.

Golden light seeped down over the mountains in the west. The frosted campus glistened, twinking in the evening light. Lily stood alone, her breath frozen in the air, her face turned to the sky, glowing in the in the golden hours light. She was strong, but she didn’t feel it. She was powerful, but she didn’t believe it. She was glowing, but she couldn’t see it. Her blue eyes looked up to the frosty clouds, asking for guidance, asking for a sign on her path forward. As the sun set over the hills and the watercolor of deep oranges reds and pinks faded to an ocean blue. Lily remembered the confidence she had seen in her own reflection when she was panicking at her worst. She had lost her confidence to rape, but the girl with the frozen caribbean eyes was still inside her, she just had to find her again, and she was going to use the blank page as a stepping stone to regain it.