I’ve known her for so long, that her mannerisms, her personal code, her language… I’m fluent in it.
When she tugs her hair she’s thinking or she’s worried. The difference is that she gets a furrow in her brow when she’s thinking.
When she’s upset, her bottom lip disappears into her mouth, and when she’s bored, she rubs her ear.
When she’s happy. I’m blinded by her. Her absolute radiance astounds me. It grabs me. Holds me, and I can’t help but fall in love over and over and over andoverandover.
But right now, I’m studying her face like it’s the last time I’m ever going to see it- studying it because it’s very likely the last time I ever will see it
Because after what I’ve just done… I might lose her.
She turns to me. Eyes bright and eyebrows raised, she found her solution.
“Do it again.” She says, nothing but confidence in her voice.
I’m knocked back. 
“What?”
“I said do it again. Don’t just stand there Tal, come on.”
“You aren’t screwing with me or something, are you?”
“No Tal,” she sighs, exasperated, “You wimp. I need to be sure of something.”
Her hand reaches out and grabs the front of my shirt, pulling me forward.
Her lips, they touch mine.
My eyes are still wide open…  I don’t know how to react.
It takes me a moment, but I close my eyes and lean into her.
Even though I’m taller, I fold beneath her.
Right now, she has me. Every bit, every piece.
And too soon it’s over.
She pulls away.  A sad look in her eyes.
“Yeah Tal, I’m sure now.”
I’m unfocused, in a daze, but I can hear her words.
“I’m sorry, but, I really don’t think I’m gay.”
And just then,
And just then,
And just then,
And just then,
And just then, I go blind.
My light fizzles out.
The world goes mum, cars no longer honking, crickets no longer chirping. Silence is the only sound buzzing in my ears.
The darkness overtaking me. Filling my mind. I can’t think.
My pins and needles of excitement turning into stakes.
“I want to still be friends with you,”  Dani says.
I stumble backward, literally, upon hearing that. Every inch, molecule, atom of my body screamed ‘No. No I don’t want to be friends. No.’
“No,” I breathe, barely even realizing I’m saying the word.
“What? Tal!”
“No,” I say now with more confidence
“Tal, please,” she says, “It’s just a stupid crush, it’s okay, and you can get over it! And we can still be friends, and… and… ” Desperation rings in her voice. A fat tear rolls down her cheek, and I hate that I’m the cause of it.
“I can’t love someone like I love you and be around you after… after this, as, as friends. I’m sorry.”
“Tal, it’s not fair, it’s not my fault that I’m not...”
“No, it’s not. It’s my fault. But I-I can’t be here right now. M-maybe not for a long time. I’m so sorry.”
“Talia…” She says, using my full name for the first time in years.
She looks almost broken.
But not nearly as much as I am.
I ran out of her room, and her house, and into my car.
Hating how I let her give me hope, hating how I should’ve expected it.
Hating that I could no longer hold onto the hope that she might feel the same, and somehow that was the most devastating thing of them all.
There’s something to be said for pain, not physical but emotional.
There’s something to be said for crying so hard that you can’t see your hand four inches away from you.
Nothing could ever be the same.