"What does a renewed relationship bring me? Is it endless silence or an embarrassing look on each other's faces now?"

When we broke up, it was just a simple message from her. I read it over and over again. Why do I seem to not recognize such simple words? I even thought that this might just be a joke. When I told my friend, she reluctantly told me it was no joke. I couldn't believe my ears! Break up! After 4 years? My friend slapped and yelled at me, "YES, SHE BROKE UP ON YOU!" I was stunned as I sat on the bed and asked blankly so... Am I being left behind? She didn't know what to say when she heard my words, and she called my ex, the two of them were silent on the phone. After a long time, she hung up the phone, and slowly I couldn't see everything in front of me...

On the eleventh day after breaking up, all my pretense was defeated by my ex's sudden regret, but... I have a new relationship to get over her, and I plan to start all over again, so I am in a dilemma, her regret is what I dreamt of, but I didn't have the heart to hurt another person, I didn't know what to do, I hid again, my friends were unhappy of my wavering situation.

But I still got back with her and broke up with my new lover. After getting back together, I told my friend. My friend was very mad and speechless.

The price of getting back together is losing a friend. It’s not that she doesn’t care about me anymore, but she knows how I spent the days apart from my ex, crying and laughing on the phone, laughing and crying, and finally collapsed to the point where I slapped myself desperately, strangled my neck and even make a wrist cut. In her opinion, reconciliation is to book a second injury for myself. I ignored her. I think she may need to calm down. After a few days, I still have the same attitude when I look for her, just to make up.  I also knew exactly why she was angry. She was angry at me for not learning a lesson, but I didn't want to bother about it anymore. I said goodbye to her.

After the reunion, a friend of the new lover approached me and said what I couldn't remember exactly. Still, I clearly remember the sentence, "It's not worth giving up a person who actually cares for you for a person who will leave at any time" Is it worth it? I can't think about it, and I don't want to think about it anymore.

Sometimes I wonder whether I really love her. If love, why turn a blind eye to many things, for instance, the long line of boys coming out of her room every day? If you don't love why do you feel sad when you see those things? I tell the story to the people around me who are familiar and unfamiliar, right? Some people ask me if I am happy after getting back together. I think I should be happy... Did someone say she gave you anything? Have you seen her posting anything about you on social media?  In the evening, I looked through the social platform that I had known about her countless times but still couldn't find a trace of me. On the other hand, when I looked at my blog posts, the words did not mention her, but she was everywhere, here and there, hanging over the words.

It's raining today, maybe because the days we broke up were also rainy days, so I'm especially frustrated to see rainy days. Whenever this time, I'm inexplicably irritable. I've been thinking all day about whether we will have a future. Probably because I didn't sleep all night, the sleep gradually came. I was thinking about it for a second before I fell asleep. I don't want to go to the future, as long as she is here now...

I stopped thinking.