My Dearest Celeste,

Hi love. How are you? I know I keep asking but I can’t help it. I hope I’m not bothering you, just wanted to make sure you’re okay. Well, college has been such a blast. I’ve made so many friends and feel so happy with them. Okay, that was a lie. I haven’t socialized with anyone and there’s no way I’ll feel happy if you’re not right next to me. So instead, I keep running past the bridge. The bridge in where we shared beautiful moments as well as sad ones. Every time I run past the bridge; I remember you. I remember your beautiful laugh that you didn’t want anyone to hear, your smile that would always reach your eyes making them look like crescent moons, and the way you would hold my hand tight whenever you got nervous. I remember everything so vividly.

I guess you can say that I miss you. I miss when we would walk to the bridge together and just start talking about whatever that was going on at the time. I miss the way your eyes lit up whenever we saw a shooting star. I miss you so much I think I’m starting to hallucinate. I could swear I saw you near the ice rink. You used to always love ice skating. I tried to come up to you, but you left. I don’t know where you went so, I tried to look for you, but I couldn’t find you.

Jake even thinks I’m going crazy. You remember Jake, right? Your brother whom we would always play around with. Yeah, he started the 11th-grade last month. if you saw him now you probably wouldn’t recognize him. Even if he doesn’t show it, he also misses you. I talked to your mom last week. She keeps trying to get pity from others by telling them you left. She once said that you weren't a good daughter. Acting like you didn’t try to visit her every month. Like you didn’t give her every dime you worked for until you had nothing left. I can’t believe this woman. She spent her whole life being a horrible mother to you and Jack. I thought that when you left, she would open her eyes and start acting better toward Jack. But no, she stayed the same. Maybe even got worse.

Anyways, even though the bridge holds the worst memory I could pave, the time we had there overpowers it. Every time I’m having a horrible day, I just think of you and how you would cheer me up. I always wonder how you’re doing and if you regret what you did. I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you. Do you even think of me? I’ll have my heart broken if I hear that you don’t. I can’t help but ask myself. Why’d you, do it? Why’d you leave me alone here? Why did you abandon me? I thought we were supposed to graduate together. I thought we were supposed to move in together. I thought we were happy together. Didn’t you want a family with me? Didn’t you want to become a mother?

I try so hard to visit you. On your birthday, our anniversary, or any time that I get the chance. It’s only been 1 year but God in that year I wanted to hold you and ask about your day. I wanted to go and hear you complain about your boss. I wanted to binge-watch those horrible shows that you loved. It’s sad how those shows are my only type of comfort now. The only thing that makes me feel like you’re right next to me. I miss you so much that it hurts. Every time I think of you, I can feel my chest start closing in. We were so close to graduating college together. We were so close to getting everything we wanted.

I shall never forget what happened to you at the bridge. Why’d you jump? Why couldn’t you let me fix things? Why did you leave without an explanation? Why couldn’t you just come to me? I know I shouldn’t be this selfish, you technically did leave me a note, but the note didn’t explain what had happened. But at the same time, you might have been having such a tough time that you couldn’t tell me even in your note. But was it that tough? Was it so tough that you couldn’t explain what happened? Was someone blackmailing you? Hurting you? Every time I pass by the bridge I think, was it me? Was I the problem? Was I the reason for your death? Why do I feel like you didn’t trust me, and you never did? I keep trying to push these thoughts out of my head but it’s hard when you didn’t leave an explanation.

I’m not saying you owe anyone an explanation. Of course not, it’s your life you didn’t want them to know what was going on. But I’m not anyone. I’ve known you since kindergarten. I’ve been by your side when the whole world wasn’t. I stood up for you when you were too tired to fight back. I’ve loved you my whole life. I always made sure you were okay.  Even if I was on fire, I would have cared more about how you were doing. I put myself behind you.

I guess for now though I’ll be happy about our great memories that still replay in my head from time to time. Even if they are starting to get fuzzy and blurry, I’ll remember you.  Even if I can no longer recognize your face, I’ll remember you. Even if I can no longer remember your laugh, your touch, and your smile. I’ll keep missing you until your memories fade away completely and there’s nothing that I could hold onto. You still will be my first, last, and only love.

Sincerely,

Matthew