I open one eye to look at the time, 4:45. I slowly get out of bed, trying my best not to wake him up. I get dressed and make a mental reminder to not step on the loose board by the door. I throw my hair into a quick ponytail and lace up my shoes. As I walk out of the house I press play to begin the music and my legs begin to move, slowly at first but gaining speed as they continue down the road. These early morning runs have helped me both physically and mentally. They have given me the time to reflect the major decisions I had had to make these past few months.

It all started in July; summer vacation was at its peek and unknowingly it was my last summer of freedom. My days were full of swimming. Swimming for fun, swimming for the team, I even swam in my dreams. Gabe was always right there swimming with me. We had started out as swimming buddies the year before and grown into the perfect couple. We both shared the same passion for swimming. Gabe, like myself, had started swimming at a very young age in the mini-me swimming competions. At first it was just for fun and it grew into a lifestyle. When you wake up you think about swimming, when you go to sleep you dream about swimming. You even think of swimming when you are in class, all you can think about is getting into that water and swimming, but all this came natural to us, we were born to swim.

I pass Ms. Parson’s house and wave as she lets her dog out. Then the Jackson house and note that upstairs light is on again so they haven’t had a good night with the new baby. Next is the Dean family with the twins who just home from partying all night. Then the Smiths and the Clutters and Hollandsworths all still sleeping in their beds. Then Mr. Johnson getting ready to take his morning walk too. The next few houses drift by unnoticed as I myself drift off into my thoughts.

My life was going perfect; I had everything anyone could want for, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect body, the perfect family, and the perfect neighbors. My life was just perfect.

My mind began to wonder… Gabe had always been a romantic guy. Every evening we would go up the mountain and watch the sunset. We would stay there until the stars came out. On nights when we were too tired to drive back down we would stay the night in the cabin his grandparents had lived in.

On this specific night we were both extremely tired, to tired to drive back down the mountain in the dark, so we went out to the cabin. Gabe's parents kept the cabinets stock in case of an emergency, so I fixed some dinner. While I was fixing dinner Gabe changed clothes and started a fire in the fire place. After finishing dinner and washing dishes I changed into my pjs and went to the living room to lie down on the blanket with Gabe.

We layed down infront of the fire and cuddled together to keep warm. One thing led to the next and when the night vanished it took out virginity with it.

I turn the corner and start up the hill towards Main Street. This jog was much like my life; they both had their ups and downs. I start to feel the burning in my legs half way up the hill but I keep pushing on. This has been an encouraging symbol to me; if I can overcome this hill, I can do anything.

We were young and stupid and didn't think one time would hurt. We were wrong, so very wrong. The next month when Mother Nature was late I started to get worried. I went to the drug store and picked up a home pregnency test. I called Gabe and told him that he really needed to come to the house. After I told him that I might be pregnant he just looked at me and said "Let's find out then."

He pased back and forth, waiting on the result. I sat there, a thousand questions whizing through my mind. What would Gabe say? What would my mother say? How would I ever tell my dad?
By the time I went down the hill and finished the loop back to my house, He was alrady starting to mope around. He came down the stairs just as I opened the door and we ran right into each other. He seized the moment and kissed me. This spark was not the same spark I felt when I kissed Gabe, but he is long gone now and Nate will go soon too. There has been a steady flow of men through the house in the past couple months, Nate, Adam, Tyler, Noah, Channing, and Shane to just name a few.
I came out of the bathroom crying and fell into Gabe’s arms. He knew by my emotions the test was positive. He held me as I cried for an hour. When I finally stoped crying we discussed our options. We knew that we couldn’t keep it, but at the same time Gabe wanted to keep it, in the end we decided on giving it up for adoption. We were sure there were plenty of good homes that would take it.
After eight months of food craving and watching the scales go up every day, I realized I had fallen in love with the tiny person inside of me. I realized I could never give this child away. I couldn’t trust anyone else with the care of my baby, the baby I had nurtured and kept alive for the last eight months, yet my body was gone and no man would ever love me again. I had to choose beween myself and the baby. Which one did I love more? When the time came I had made my decision.
I had our bags packed and sitting in the car. Once I got to the hospital, where Gabe already was, I put the baby’s bags in his car and straped the carseat in. I went inside and gave birth to a healthy baby girl. When I looked into those eyes my heart melted but I had already made my decision. I had already had the papers drawn up for my to sign all my parental rights to Gabe. After spending two days in to hospital acting like I was happy and excited, I left. I took the first bus I could catch to anywhere but this guilt-ridden place. I wonder if they tell her about me, if they even kept her or gave her away as I did.
I take a shower and fix Nate his breakfast. After cleaning the kitchen and getting dressed I go to work. I stand there taking orders and fliping hamburgers at the local fast food resturant and wonder what would have become of me had I stayed.

I now live with the guilt of never being able to see the two entire loves of my life my sweet sweet Gabe and my darling child Hayden Renea. I will live forever drowning in a pool of guilt searching for a second chance with love and life.