I have been single for nine years, four months, seven days, three hours and twenty two minutes. I think I am going to go mad.

No! I am not going to spend the rest of my life counting down the days to the next anniversary of my dumping. I refuse to become a lonely, twisted old spinster. I absolutely refuse to!

I think I need to get back to the real world here. I need to wash! I need to eat! I need to get out of these disgusting pyjamas!

Flannel pyjamas…in this day and age! I detest myself.

Men these days…they want the slim blondes in their silk negligee… not dumpy flannel-clad frumps with greyer hair than their grandmothers.

I do believe it is time.

Every promise I made myself, all the mocking over lowering myself to such measures…I will pretend they never happened. It is time.

I, Maureen Davis, am prepared to do what needs to be done. I will post an ad in the Lonely Hearts column.

Surely there is a man out there somewhere who is looking for me? A man attracted to women with huge, fleshy behinds and an inescapable addiction to ice cream? Surely somewhere…

Let’s see…how about: young, attractive female with GSOH WLTM nice young man with OHAC.

It’s not lying. It’s … enhancing the truth.

I am young…sort of. What is classed as young these days anyway? These young girls in their miniskirts, their heads weighed down with make up…they don’t like to be called young anymore.

I’ll get Mr Webster on the case.

1. Young - (used of living things especially persons) in an early period of life or development or growth; "young people”.

Well. It’s been quite a while since the early periods of my life – fifty six years to be exact. Perhaps I should change my ad – just a tweak.

Middle-aged, attractive female with GSOH WLTM nice young man with OHAC.

You’re only as young as you feel anyway, right?

I am attractive. I refuse to change that part. My wrinkles are minimal, my eyes are a rather fetching shade of blue, even if I do say so myself, and I have always been a touch proud of my left elbow. I have often been complimented on it.

I’m not one to blow my own trumpet, but if I don’t put ‘attractive’ I won’t get any replies, right? Maybe I will change it a little, actually.

Middle-aged, extremely attractive female with GSOH WLTM nice young man with OHAC.

In case you were wondering, I have no idea what the abbreviations stand for. I noticed them on other people’s entries and thought they looked rather fun.

For all I know, I have made it public that I have a Great Set Of Hands and Would Love To Mangle a nice young man with an Obese Hyena and an Ancient Cult.

Actually, now you mention it, I rather hope that is what it means…

I am allowed thirty words. What else should I put?

Following the other lonely heart’s examples, I should write about my hobbies, my children, my appearance…

My hobbies include stuffing myself with Ben & Jerry’s until it comes out of my ears, wailing to Celine Dion love songs and writing letters to My Love Who I Hope Rots In Fiery Hell. Perhaps a further truth tweak is called for.

Middle-aged, extremely attractive female with GSOH WLTM nice young man with OHAC. Enjoys music, literacy and dining out.

Much more appropriate.

As for children, Victor never wanted any. Or so he said. What he really meant was he didn’t want any more. Unbeknownst to me, he was the happily married father of two daughters and a son. Serves me right for falling for a man twenty years my junior.

But hell, men don’t want baggage anyway.

Middle-aged, extremely attractive female with GSOH WLTM nice young man with OHAC. Enjoys music, literacy and dining out. Has no baggage.

Is that a little too obvious? Perhaps…

Middle-aged, extremely attractive female with GSOH WLTM nice young man with OHAC. Enjoys music, literacy and dining out. Up for some fun.

Now for my appearance. Well, I’m no fool. I’m not going to write about my undying love for flannel PJs, and I’ll save my quite astonishing collection of angora jumpers for the bedroom.

Middle-aged, extremely attractive female with GSOH WLTM nice young man with OHAC. Enjoys music, literacy and dining out. Up for some fun. Wears silk pyjamas and has never worn an angora jumper.

Thirty two words. I’ll take out the bit about the angora jumper.

Middle-aged, extremely attractive female with GSOH WLTM nice young man with OHAC. Enjoys music, literacy and dining out. Up for some fun. Wears silk pyjamas.

Perfect. Now I’ll just place the ad, sit back, and wait for the replies to come streaming in.

The phone line is engaged. To kill some time, I read through some more ads.

“Hot blonde seeks sexy young male for fun and flings.”

“Middle-age brunette looking for LTR. WLTM N/S with OHAC. Hobbies include reading, water skiing and rock climbing.”

I can’t help but chuckle to myself as I open a new tin of beans. These people are probably all old bag ladies with twenty seven cats! Who in their right mind would answer such vague ads? ‘Fun and flings!’ Why, that could mean anything from a walk in the countryside to relaxing over a glass of wine and a puzzle!

My beans done, I move my knitting off the sofa and settle myself down in front of my favourite nature programme. Oh, fantastic! It’s an underwater special tonight!

I just have enough time to ring the Lonely Hearts agency before it starts. I dial the number, and then on second thoughts put the receiver back down.

I add on a final line to my ad.

Middle-aged, extremely attractive female with GSOH WLTM nice young man with OHAC. Enjoys music, literacy and dining out. Up for some fun. Wears silk pyjamas. Has no cats.