The ripple of our translucent heartbeats penetrates time itself; stopped. The emptiness of words left unsaid fills the air between us as we brace ourselves for the final showdown. Deep breath. The ache of familiar territory nearly takes over, but I stop. Too much history doesn’t matter anymore. No longer are his arms a place of safety, no longer are his eyes looking at me, no longer is his heart beating with mine. A raging gust of sadness strips me of everything until all that’s left is a gaping hole. Four years have come and gone, and never have I been so sure of my longing for his presence at my side. Never have I been so sure that I can no longer have it. But with an incessant emptiness comes a small piece of peace. Being a good friend has a large sticker price. What I want stopped mattering as soon as what you wanted did. I don’t wish the hole away, I only wish you understood the sacrifice I made. A friendship, a love, lost; only memories remain. When I look at him, I see so much more than anyone could ever understand. I see a friend who saw me when the rest of the world thought I was invisible. A friend who believed I could do the impossible, and was there to cheer me on when I did. Someone who knew that I was good, and pure, and wonderful. Who celebrated my strengths and improved my weaknesses. I see the guy who never gave up on me, and gave me the courage to do the same. I see the best friend who sacrificed his own race to stay by my side for the entire 2 miles, never stopped looking back, and held my hand as we crossed the finish line together. I see the confidante that I told my greatest secrets to, shared my biggest fears with, and worked through all my problems with me. I see the guy whose hug made everything better, and always gave me a safe place to land. I see who he really is- my hero. And I see one of the best things that ever happened to me. He may have been in love with me, but he picked you. You, not me. So our history, it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s gone. Maybe you don’t understand that, but I do. I feel it every day when I wake up, and it lays heavy on my chest as I fall asleep each night. I still feel the missing hole every day. Whenever something good happens, he’s the one I want to tell. Whenever I cry, it’s him I want to talk to. But I gave that up for you. I gave it all up. For you. Granted, he gave me up to, and I’ve lived with the burden that I’m not good enough for a long time now. I accepted it, I let you believe that I was ok. But I wasn’t, and I’m not. He was my best friend and now I’m alone. I grapple with that reality every day, and I thought I was going to fight for him. But I can’t. I would give anything for you to know how much this kid means to me. Anything. My breaths are shorter now, and tears stream down my cheeks. I wish you could understand how much I gave up for you.
Maybe he wasn’t my everything, but he was my something. Now, we’re nothing. And you’re everything.