Did you see it? Did you see the quick flash of hurt flicker across my face when you said it? Did you see the response to my heart tearing in half illustrated in my expression when my ears received it? Did you see the sudden wince that struck my appearance when my mind comprehended it? Did you see it, all my hurt, did you see the ache that took over my body when you looked me in the eyes and spoke the words? Those heart crushing, breath robbing, life altering five words. “I just don’t love you anymore”. I hate those words. I hate this moment. I hate my feelings. I hate you. I love you. Did you see that?

Or did you only see my smile. My perfectly choreographed smile. My deceivingly perfectly choreographed smile. The smile I created to fool you. To convince you that I am okay. Maybe even happy. The smile to convince you of the lie that I indeed am not broken. The smile that lies.

Do you understand how hard it is to create this smile? Do you understand how much effort and strength is drained just to force my lips to create this natural curve? Do you understand how hard it is to watch and hear you talk to me as if nothing is wrong, as if I’m okay, as if nothing ever happened between us, as if you never loved me and I never loved you? You tell all about your day as if we have never left the friend zone, as if the last few months never occurred. You smile at me as if you are happy, as if you love your new life of not loving me. So I smile too, to deceive you. But did you see it? Did you see the sudden flash of pain cover my face briefly as I talk to you as if nothing is wrong? Or did my smile cover it? Was my deceptive smile convincing?

What did you say her name is? You just told me but I was too busy despising her, too busy envying her, too busy creating, forming, and forcing my choreographed smile to hear you. She returns my smile, brighter and perkier than mine. As she sticks out her hand to me bracelets jingle obnoxiously on her wrist. I wince at the gaudy, unattractive, unnecessary bracelets as they shine and ring like Christmas ornaments. You’re dating a Christmas ornament. But I smile and stick out my bare, plain, non-festive arm to my flashy replacement. I ache as her velvet skin brushes against my calloused hand, but I shake it anyways, never allowing my face to release its forced smile. But did you see it? Did you see the sharp short wince of pain flash across my face as I reached out my hand to the girl I’d never be? Did you see the hurt in my eyes as I touched the hand of your gaudy preference? Did you see any of my hurt? Or were you once again fooled by my smile?

I hate chemistry. I hate how some chemicals blend together miraculously while others reject each other violently. I look past my lab partner to see you filling a test tube. Filling it and dumping it into another test tube, a bigger test tube, a test tube full of chemicals that the contents of the smaller test tube will blend with perfectly as the two chemicals find attraction to each other. It blends together perfectly in a mutual beautiful attraction.

The curly headed boy next to me glares at me and smiles. I return my lab partners gaze and respond with a smile, a bright forced smile. Did he notice? Did he see the pain lurking weakly across my face in my brief moment of incaution?

“You’re better off without him.” Oh no he noticed, “You know what guys like him always fail to notice in a girl like you?”

How did he catch it? How did he catch me in my brief moment of dimness? “What’s that?” I ask

“The depth of your smile.”