I lay in my bed tuning into the crisp silence. Staring at the endless nothingness. I don't want to think, I don't want to move. It's the memory that kills me, so I try not to remember. Don't remember his smile, his hugs, his eyes... Don't remember. The less I seem to remember, the worse I begin to feel. Don't remember him being your best friend. Don't remember the spoonfuls of peanut butter that you consumed under the influence of unrequited love. Don't remember the other girl because even her name makes your blood boil.
You only had a second to respond... You were scared and didn't understand why it was happening. You were young and clueless. You sat on his bed staring at him, your eyes glazed over, you're in love. You looked at your hands, nails perfectly polished while they fiddled with his sheets. "Look at me" he says, you ask why and he just repeats his statement. You try not to play out the rest in your head but the memory seems to resent you. You tell your past self "Don't look at him. Change the subject" but your past being can't hear you. She's too in love to disobey him. You looked up at him. You stare into each others eyes for a few seconds and time stops. Suddenly you find yourself pushing him away. He was giving you what you wanted, leaning in for that perfect kiss in the perfect moment. But like I said. You were scared. You push him away and he gazes into your eyes; confused and embarrassed. "I'm sorry" you say. He tells you it's okay, it was no big deal. Then it hits you. You just permanently put yourself in the friend zone. There's no turning back now. You're done. He looks at you with sadness in his eyes "You going to push everyone away like this?" You don't respond, you cant speak. "What if it was supposed to be you all along? We would never know" You look down focusing on your breathing to ensure that you won't stop. He lays beside you and lays his head on your thigh. This is what you wanted right? The perfect moment. He could be yours! What are you waiting for? Your mouth opens and you don't even know what you're saying. Anger overtakes your mind and your mouth speaks for itself. You're furious.You remember how he had made you wait months while he waited for a girl who didn't care. And since you were there for him through it all and he knows you're in love he tried to take advantage of you. He doesn't deserve you. But you love him. Your mind tells you to stop thinking about it but your heart continues to argue with your intelligence. He was using you. All the sweet talk and the pretending to care about you. Clever trick, right? After all you fell for it. You fell for it hard. You then hear a loud noise breaking your concentration. Your focus is no longer on those small dust particles and instead on your surroundings. The cup for water, the bed beside you, your chair in front of the window. Everything's rusted; old. You look down at your hands once soft and smooth, now rough and wrinkly. You then watch your fingers as they fiddle with your floral dress. No ring. Even after 90 years. You think about him again now. His fingers cold and blue, his eyes sealed shut. Don't remember yesterday. Don't remember laying the rose on the wooden cage he was trapped in. Don't remember how you were the only one there for his burial. No family. No wife. No kids. Don't remember. You have a flashback, his face once again young and vibrant, "What if it was supposed to be you all along? We would never know"