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Terrible Lovely
I know that you always use to love the rain. I don't remember much about you, And i don't even remember this bit much, but when the sky gets grey and water pours from the clouds, i can't help but see your face. And i hear your voice whispering my name.
It is raining today. A good hurricane type storm. And i didn't want to forget and don't know how long the rain will keep up so i decided to write it down. But i wanted to say that I'm sorry.
Remember when we were kids. I only had one friend. I know that i only had one friend and there were only thirty kids in our class anyway. And i remember that you were very popular. You knew everyone but me and everyone including you ignored me when i sat by myself and played by myself.
Remember in high school. When i took all of the AP classes and you took AP classes, but we were never in them together. We didn't even know each other, really. But in the hallway between periods we always passed each other and i would look and see that you where never looking.
Then i was so excited to leave that awful school and go to Boston, because i was smart and i was active and i got into a good school far away from home. And then remember when i saw you moving into your dorm and i dropped my book and ran until i got to my dorm. And then the same thing happened the next day except that you followed me.
Remember how often you followed me back to my dorm until i finally agreed to talk to you and i pretended to not remember you.
It seems like a sick joke now.
Remember Christmas at your parents' Apartment and i remembered that i was smart but you were so much smarter for going to Boston. And remember the little box and the big ring and remember that i said no and you pretended not to care.
I don't remember what happened next except that i was crying and it was raining a big hurricane type storm like tonight. i know that you were driving and that you screamed and then i don't remember anything except that it was sunny when the doctor told me you died.
I don't remember what i ate for breakfast two hours ago, and i can't remember why i moved back to Ohio after Christmas all those years ago. But I've never forgotten for a second to be so awfully sad.
When it rains i see you when we where in grade school, smart and popular and beautiful. And when you were sixteen and smarter and cooler and more beautiful. And then when you were mine, and perfect. And I'm sorry that I can't remember why I love you or the places in between. I'm sorry that every other day of my life I only know that there is a reason be sad, both terrible and so beautiful. My terrible lovely.
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