It’s raining again. It’s always raining now. The rain patters on my roof lightly, dripping down onto my window. Maybe I should be crying with the sky. But I can’t bring myself to shed a single tear. I can only stare out the window, a part of me hopes that he’ll come walking up the hallway right up to my door, like he’d done a thousand times before. He’d be carrying flowers. Always daffodils, they were my favorite. I can’t bring myself to look at a single yellow daffodil now. It hurts too much. I bring my knees to my chest and wrap the blanket tighter around me. My mind betrays me and thinks about the many times his arms had served as my blanket. Warm and strong. Protective. I blink, trying to rid myself of the thought. He’s gone now, forever, and it’s all my fault. I bring myself to look at the small box sitting ever so delicately on my dresser, opened to reveal its contents. Even the diamond in the ring didn’t shimmer for a moment. A week ago he was down on one knee, presenting the box like it was the very balance between his life and death. And maybe it had. Why had I been so foolish? Why couldn’t I just have said yes?
I had told him we were too young to think about marriage, that I’d rather graduate high school first. I’d never seen him so disappointed in all our time together. His face moments before shining with glee and hopefulness became a sad mix of anger and depression. I tried to tell him that it was something to think about, that I would consider a life with him when I was older. But he left, without another word, left me to sit alone…and cry. I can’t cry now. I’m trying. But nothing. I put a hand against the window, it feels cold against my skin. Our apartment is several stories high, we are near the top. From up here, the world looks so small beneath me. The people look like ants. The cars look like you could just reach down and start playing with them like a toddler would play with his toy cars.
The rain pours harder now. I can almost feel the drops splash on my window. For a moment, the rain almost seems to call my name, softly. The sky beckons me too, the clouds rolling over themselves as if rumbling in agreement. The window’s big enough... No. No I won’t. I get up from the window and run to my bed, grabbing a pillow, and clamping it over my ears. There it is again, so sweet and soft sounding in my head. Falling can’t be all that bad, can it? It’s just like flying downward. “No!” I scream. “Leave me alone!” I call out desperately, hoping that my demand is heard and obeyed. It’s what he did…perhaps I’ll see him again. Feel his lips against mine, his warm strong arms holding me, protecting me. For a moment all rational thought leaves me. The sky looks welcoming. I don’t think about what’s below, or whatever painful death I might have. If I fly I can get to him. Tell him that I changed my mind. That I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
My bare feet direct me to the window again, my hands reach for something hard to break the window. I’m not sure what they used, but the window shatters easily, my body doesn’t acknowledge the pain from the cuts that the glass makes. For now, everything feels numb. And cold. Like ice. I stand in front of the window. All I have to do is jump. Then I’ll fly. I’ll fly to him. I lift a foot and hover it over the air, daring myself to look down at the unsuspecting people below. None of them have a single idea that a teenage girl might fall on their heads at this very moment. So naïve. I take a deep breath and…

Cold air rushes up to meet me, then something pulls me back into my room, back onto the warm carpet floor. A hand? An arm? I look behind me. All around me. My parents aren’t even home yet. I realize what I had just tried to do and shake my head, scolding myself. Rational thought comes back as I leave my room and go for the phone, dialing my parents’ number.

I’ll see him again.
But I can’t see him this way.

Tears begin to drip down my face.

Today, I’ll cry with the sky. But I won’t fly with it.