Waking Up
I jolted awake with a light sweat against my skin. Making me feel like a hot little butterfly stuck inside its cocoon. I grabbed at my face trying to jerk myself back into reality. This is the third time this has happened.

My whole body hurt, I looked around and saw the white walls and the Columbia blue sheets with sweat on them, I shuddered. I glanced at my wrapped arms; I pulled the covers off of me. I looked at my legs, through the bandage spaces I could see how red my skin was. I raised my hideous blue gown and looked at my once beautifully smooth stomach. Now covered with bandages, I felt like a sweaty mummy. I chuckled at the thought, my throat hurt…in fact everything hurt. I felt like I had swam through a cave of lava. Maybe some water will cool my throat, I turned my sore body towards the bedside table, there was a glass…but no water.
If you want something done you have to do it yourself, I thought to myself.
I heaved myself up and inched slowly towards the edge of the bed, as soon as my bare foot touched the cold white tile floor everything and I mean everything came back in a rush.

My father saying he loved me as he waved and went to his car driving out of the driveway, me listening to music for about an hour, then all of a sudden I was asleep. Then I just felt hot, I felt really really hot. I remember the vivid dream.
I looked down at my hands…what happened?

I shook it off trying to figure out why I was here; I kicked my other foot out from under the covers and got up. It really wasn’t graceful imagine me as a baby deer or giraffe, trying to walk for the first time. I took one step and forgetting that I was hooked up to all the machines I pulled and it clicked, within twenty seconds an overdramatic alarm sounded. I rolled my eyes and tried to waddle back into the bed that I was apparently supposed to be in. About five or six nurses all crowded into my room, shortly followed by my father holding a silver cross. I snorted; he also held a little vial of something which I’m guessing is my blood.
Here let me explain, my father, David Rena is a pastor for some church a few blocks over, but anyways he’s your typical Jesus freak. The kind that doesn’t look creepy but is actually creepy.
He came and grabbed my hand with the one occupied with the cross and set it on my chest. I scrunched my face as he took off the cap of the vial of conspicuous liquid, which was actually some sort of clear liquid. Oh! Now I understand, its “Holy water”, this time I actually laughed out loud.
“What are you going to do? Pour that stuff on me and hope I’ll go to heaven?” I said hoarsely.
He poured some in his hand and came towards my face. I moved my head to the side, I hated his weird rituals. He actually touched my face, I snapped at him.
“What the hell?” I shrieked.

He grimaced and pulled his hand back pouring the “Holy water” into my empty glass.
Man, I was going to drink out of that.
The nurses quietly came to me checked my temperature and reinserted the IV into my wrist. My dad blubbered about God and how this was a sign of how we take everything for granted, and how he was going to pay more attention to me, and love me with every fiber in his being. Which is a total lie; because if he really loved me he wouldn’t treat me the way he does, like I’m some charity case.
After about thirty minutes of explaining to the nurses why my IV came out, they told me that I wasn’t allowed to get up without assistance. I nodded like the pastors daughter that everybody thought I was. With a humph I sat back into the uncomfortable bed and took my hair down, I glanced at the hair tie around my wrist, I looked around. I hated people seeing me with my hair up, I’m just weird like that. I decided no one was coming in for a while; I put it messily up into a bun.

I reached towards my full glass of water that the nurses gladly filled, whatever would keep me still, one of them grumbled.
I rolled my eyes at the thought, I reached carefully towards the tempting glass of water, careful not to sound another ridiculous alarm.
I heard a knock at my door, I was in the middle of swallowing. I just chocked a little, and quietly said a
“Come in.”
I heard the click of the door, the door opened to reveal a man and a boy who was incredibly tall, right behind him.

The man introduced him as ‘Fire Marshal Thirsdon’ and his son as “Sean Thirsdon,” I gasped.
Sean Thirsdon was one of the really bad kids at my school.
Surprisingly I go to public school; I got out of the private Catholic school lecture by bringing up my mom.
Anyway, Sean was basically a badass, he didn’t care about the rules, his hair was cut short, and he was on the baseball team…that was basically all I knew about him. Besides the rumors, which are all nasty on the girls’ part.
All the rumors consisted of was girls having sex with him in the bathrooms before or after school. Every time I looked at him I shuddered not necessarily from the cold. He was beyond cute, he was all the preppy girls at my school talked about, how big his biceps were, how cute he looked in baseball pants.
I’m assuming that the Fire Marshal was his father. Who was extremely polite unlike Sean who hadn’t said a single word to me since he’d been here.
Mr. Thirsdon explained how bad my house had been burned. Some things were salvageable but not a lot. I ignored this; I didn’t really feel like talking about what happened; not at the time, at least.

I just stared at Sean who was a few inches taller than his father, I’m guessing who was at least, six foot, Sean was leaning against the wall with one foot balancing him against it, his head was constantly down. I’ve never seen his eyes; I bet they were beautiful just like him.
I internally gasped at this, I don’t even know him and I already feel an attraction towards him. I mentally slapped myself. Mr. Thirsdon left us alone telling his son to talk to me.
When the door closed, I breathed out a sigh of relief. My stomach was gurgling, Sean chuckled.
He looked up, he had electric green eyes. They were extremely beautiful, my prediction was right. I mentally gave myself a high five.
“Hungry?” he asked.
I looked at him, not knowing how to respond. I realized he was joking around with me.
“haha oh, yeah, hospital food is gross.”
His head tilted to the left examining me, I reached up to play with my hair, which I would’ve done if my hair wasn’t up in a messy bun. I gasped and my hands flew up to grab and undo my hair. It was too late; my hair tie was caught in my hair. Great, I will officially be the most helpless loser in school. He saw what I was doing and chuckled and crossed the room.
“Need help?” he asked.
What does he know about hair? He has none! Well except that cute little short buzz cut. I bet it’s really fuzzy.
I snapped out of my day dream and tried to get this rubber demon out of my hair.
“No, no I got this.”
“Here.” His hands replaced mine and I felt a slight pull then he grunted, he pulled harder causing me to yelp.
“Ow!” I said grabbing at my hair, he had already gotten it out; he was twirling it around his pinky finger.
I rubbed at my head, which was throbbing.
“Um, ow.”
“Here,” he said while leaning down and planting a kiss on my head. He grabbed my wrist and slid the band around it. Sparks flew as he touched my hand. I wonder if he felt them too.

He pulled up the chair right next to my bed and sat down.

We talked for what seemed like forever, I actually started to like this Sean. He was really nice, and funny. He made jokes about my bandages calling me mum, (Short for mummy).

I thought about the rumors, and my big mouth came right out and asked him all about them. He grimaced and explained that that was his old life. He was drinking a lot and he almost got sent to prison because of it. He told me a big part of his life that I doubt he talked about a lot.
“I- I” He started to stutter, it was really cute but he was beginning to become emotional. Great job Jade, you made Sean cry.
“I didn’t live life right; I was always drunk on my dad’s stock in the basement.” He said most of this quietly, which I’m guessing is the right attitude to have considering you wouldn’t really want to be really glad and bloating around to people that you were a drunkard at seventeen. At least I think he’s seventeen…
He looked down; he was so open with me. I wondered why…
This heart to heart felt really good. Especially since I hadn’t had actual human contact since…whatever happened.
Sean and I talked for a long time, I became tired but didn’t want to show it, I yawned and he kept talking.
I felt my eyes close involuntarily, I heard his wonderful voice and then fell asleep, the last thing I remember was when he touched my head and then everything was black.
********************************Three Weeks Later*****************************
I was looking at myself in the mirror. I had shorts and a t shirt on. My arms were still red from. Whatever happened. I was angry at my father still because he wouldn’t tell me what happened. Everyone just ignored me, I asked. I begged. I even cried for my mother.
I felt as if it was crap on Jade day.
I looked at my face, which felt like it was the only thing that still looked the same about me. My hair was sort of burnt, so I’m assuming I was in a fire, but I honest to whatever god that is listening I remembered nothing. I couldn’t even start to explain how hurt emotionally I was when no one would tell me, or maybe they told me I just didn’t remember.
I brushed my long black hair, and touched my skin. My arms and legs had been unwrapped; my skin looked as if someone had tattooed red ink all over my body. I felt different, I didn’t feel like myself. The doctors said that the scars would stay with me for the rest of my life.
I heard a knock on my door.
“Come in.” I said whilst brushing the tangles from my hair.
“Jade, I’ll be driving you to school today. We need to be out of here by 7:50.”
I nodded silently; I hadn’t said a word since the hospital incident. I figured if no one was going to give me information then I would return the favor.

I looked at my arms again, I traced over the scars. They looked intricately designed, like someone would willingly to me.
I thought about my father and how much he’s devoted to a God that you can’t even see. I don’t know what to believe, because these scars prove my point. The God that billions of people believe in, is supposed to be everlasting and forgiving, but what sort of a God could willingly let this happen?
Why me? Why would God let me get hurt? Maybe it’s because I don’t believe he’s there…
I chuckled at my own thoughts.
I glared at my teachers; I couldn’t believe they ignored me. No one paid any attention to me whatsoever. I felt invisible.
It was the last hour of the day, I was in the bathroom washing my hands, and the cold water felt amazing against my skin. I feel constantly hot and sore, but when I touch my skin its cold. It’s a never ending contradiction.

I walked into my English teachers’ classroom; she was a normal woman I guess if you could call her that. She always had dark blue on, I found her slightly amusing.
This was the one class that I had Sean in. My heart slightly picked up its pace at the thought of this. All the students were gathered around the classroom. I glanced at the teacher, she was holding a piece of paper. Great…new seats.

I looked up to the ceiling and internally thought; if there is a god that is listening please sit me next to Sean. Sean was the only person who was somewhat nice to me. He was the only person who even acknowledged my existence.
Alright, Rena. Next to… Thirsdon. The teacher barked orders at us. I jumped but obeyed her, slightly giddy.
I mouthed a ‘thank you’ to the ceiling.

He sauntered over to me, sitting gracefully down at the table, putting his notebook down. It looked like he just recently bought it, no notes, and no doodles.
While I pulled mine out I saw his eyes widen slightly, there were papers messily attached to it, strewn all over, doodles everywhere.
I mean what else are you going to do when you have no friends?
The teacher explained to us the project we were supposed to work on; starting today. Our partners were also our table mates. So I was basically going to do this whole project by myself. I mean after that heart to heart that I had with Sean, I know him; he’s going to sit back with his arms behind his head and close his eyes and take a nice little nap while I bust my ass.
“Alright here’s the deal, you can come over and we can get this thing done so we can mess around the whole week.” He said.
“I- um…Alright.” I mean what am I supposed to say? …No? He’s Sean Thirsdon for God’s sake!
He just leaned back and I just doodled about nothing in particular, the bell rung shocking me out of my reverie. He grabbed my notebook, closed it and tucked it under his arm.
I grabbed my bag and furrowed my eyebrows at him; he nodded his head towards the door. A bunch of girls were waiting for him after we walked out. They all squealed and shrieked to him about coming over. He just ignored most of them and followed me out to the front doors.
He passed me through the crowd of kids, making a path for me. I don’t know why I followed him, it felt like my feet were on auto pilot, they knew the course I was supposed to take and programmed it by themselves, leaving me in the dark…again.
Sean led me to a grey mustang; it never looked that deadly up close. The chrome wheels glinted dangerously. I turned immediately around, Sean grabbed my arm. I gasped an involuntary action of course.
“I already talked to your dad, he’s cool with it.” Sean told me.

For as long as I’ve known my father, which has been my whole life, he has never been “cool” with anything. I gave him a questioning look, he nodded.
I felt nothing wrong with the situation, so I went against my mind and got into the car. Sean walked leisurely to the driver’s side, I looked around, and it smelled like tester cologne. The kind that was so expensive that you go to the store just to get the free sample. I doubted he ever did such a thing, he was loaded. I mean look at his car, look at him, and look at his clothes. He was Sean Thirsdon…What am I doing?
“I’m a really safe driver.” He said as he put his arm against my head rest to look behind him as he reversed.
The car gently growled, and once he was out of the parking spot the engine revved making me jump. He glanced over me, I instantly felt self-conscious, he reached over me making me hold my breath, and he grabbed my seatbelt and put it on, and pulled on it to make it tight. It gripped my thighs, I felt better…well safer. He nodded satisfied. Then proceeded to drive, he went fairly fast considering his car plus his age. We stopped at a stoplight and he looked at me, “What’s wrong?”
How could he tell if anything was wrong? I didn’t say anything out of the ordinary…well maybe it’s because he just saw me in the hospital about a week ago, it was a valid question.
I cleared my throat. “Just…feeling different.” I mumbled.

“Yeah I know what you mean, I feel different, sort of like the calm before the storm.”
He read me like an open book, I gasped. My emotions exactly; the ride to his house was extremely quiet. I just took the opportunity to think of what to say to one of the most popular kids at my school.

My heart was racing and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Something felt off…not about me or Sean…but the atmosphere.
He pulled into his driveway, I counted the stories…One…two…..three…four. Okay, I’m pretty sure that’s the exact number my house has.
He cut the engine, I unbuckled my seat belt and grabbed my bag and notebook and opened the door, trying not to trip. Thankfully I didn’t.
He walked to his front porch and took his keys out and unlocked the door.
His father wasn’t home, “It’s just us for tonight.” He said.
“Here come on.” He led me to his room.
Which was actually really cute, it was insanely perfect something like out of a magazine. He put his keys on his dresser and took his jacket off, tossing it on the chair next to his bed. He pulled out his laptop and said,

“Okay before we get started I just wanted to talk to you and see if you were okay…because if half my house burnt down I would be in denial too.”
“Yeah I’m….what are you talking about?”

He looked at me in shock, and looked around the room in disbelief.

“You were in a fire…Jade…don’t you remember?” He tilted his head.

I couldn’t believe the words I was hearing, “What fire?”

He closed his laptop quickly, and scooted closer to me. His electrifying green eyes penetrating into me, I felt as if he could read my mind.
“Tell me all that you remember.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Goodbye Jade, I love you forever and always.” I said as I waved to my lovely daughter. She was beautiful, just like her mother.
I had to get rid of her; I can’t handle all of the questions that people ask. “Why doesn’t your daughter come to church?” “Doesn’t she believe in the lord?” “Are you even a real pastor?”
I’ve never loved her; ever since Jade was born I couldn’t wait until the day she died.
She had never done anything to me, it was just a feeling I’ve had. Being the father, I put on a façade saying ‘I love you’. Every time I was supposedly praying for her, I was actually praying that she mysteriously disappeared saving me the trouble of taking my own daughters life.

My palms were sweating as I drove every mile my heart beat faster. I dropped the car off and went to an empty parking lot, it only had one car. I grabbed the envelope under the windshield wiper, which held the key.
I unlocked the car and took a deep breath. I drove back into town breathing hard, tears streamed from my eyes. I couldn’t do this…

But you have to.

A voice said in my head. I shook my head as if the voice would fall out and leave me alone.

Your daughter never liked you.
It was already too late, I had poured gasoline all over the top of the house, and no one was outside to see me.
I crawled through the basement window, and went through to the stairwell to the attic. The smell of gasoline was intoxicating. It was already hard to breathe. I had the match took a deep breath and slid it across the textured sliver, causing flame….
This is it.
I inhaled possibly my last breath, if I didn’t get out fast enough.
Drop it. The voice in my head growled.
And so I did.
“I don’t remember really anything…I just remember my dad saying goodbye and then I fell asleep to music.”
Sean looked at me,
I smiled… or at least I tried.
“Whose house have you been staying in?” he asked. It was such a simple question.
“I’m staying in my house.” I said simply.
“Jade…No…you’ve been at my house for the past week. Are you saying you don’t remember anything?”
“Here.” He said while getting up from the bed, he grabbed my forearm making me flinch.
“You need to see this.”
He walked in front of me, and took me downstairs. To his father’s study, he kicked open the door and turned on the light.
It took a second for my eyes to adjust; I walked into the room with Sean leading me. I saw a bunch of pictures some in black in white, some in color and a few newspaper headlines and articles. Sean gently pushed me towards the wall,

“Look closer.” He whispered.

I read the headline of the closest newspaper.

Father in Federal Prison for Attempted Murder.

I looked at the picture next to it, it was a picture of my father in an orange suit, and it was a mug shot, his mouth turned into a slight smile.

Everything came flooding back vividly.
“No…NO!” I shouted. This isn’t true, I –
Sean grabbed me; I began violently kicking and thrashing around. It felt like every emotion I’ve ever felt was all bottled up and this was me releasing it.

I remembered everything, the heat of the fire, the flames licking against my skin, kissing me in the most painful of ways. The only love I’ve ever known; is the love of pain.
“My…” I started to scream…my throat burned. Everything felt on fire.
Sean held me in place, I kicked him, and I couldn’t stop.
He grunted in my ear, I kicked and punched, until I just couldn’t. I just dropped, he held onto me still, keeping me in his arms. He gently lowered me onto the floor and brushed the hair from my eyes. He cradled me, tears emerged from my eyes. All of this just didn’t seem real.