It started with a kiss and turned out something else. As the blood was coursing through my veins I would fell a place in my heart get dark. I thought of no one else until I seen his frozen mind filled with passion. When I seen him lost and lonely; he was walking around town with his head staring at the ground. I can still remember when he first came to my house he was full of life and love. I kept asking myself what I did to deserve this, and if there was anything I could have said or done. The day we found him he was hanging in his room with the rope tied around his neck. He left a note that said:
Dear Bella,

I'm lost and lonely, scared and hiding; I'm blind without you by my side. As the days grow old and long I can feel my skin turn into stone. I’ll never forget you and it was my fault for what happened between us.
Love, Tanner
P.S. I'll always wait for you.

It’s all so different now as my emotions burn me out. I look at his grave as I sat and thought that the years are passing by one after the other. Pretty soon before I knew it every time I would touch one of his things it would have a lifeless touch to it. I found out he died on June 7th at 8 p.m. at night. His mother walked into his room and screamed "Why!" she kept saying over and over again. Why would you take such a troubled soul, but God would only know what went wrong to make him do that and to take his life. I had no clue that Tanner was that miserable to the point we he would take his own life.

Near the end of the month we had the funeral, everywhere you looked there were black, lifeless, flowers. A picture of Tanner when he turned 17 years, old, and I could remember it like it was yesterday. His bright, shining, face couldn’t stop smiling throughout the whole day. People at school couldn’t comprehend the fact that Tanner was dead. So many people cried, punched walls, and even got into fights over his death. My mind was full of tangles and cobwebs after the news trying to figure out why he would be so selfish to do something like that. And to think of all this wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for us breaking up.

I love to write songs and play the guitar sometimes when I feel sad and I don’t want to talk to anyone. My first couple of lines started out like this, "When the world comes crashing down and the skies begin to fall I'll wait for you", "When the pain seems too much and my heart starts to bleed out of touch, I don’t need a thing cause I'll wait for you". But when I read the note Tanner had left me it said that, “As the days grow old and long I can feel my skin turn into stone". This meant that he couldn’t take it anymore and his skin was turning to where he couldn’t feel it no more. In the beginning of our relationship we were really in love and full of happiness as all couples are when they first start out. Tanner would bring me flowers and chocolates because he wanted me to feel special. But as our relationship got more serious his violence towards me began to become more frequently. I wasn’t allowed to go out with any of my guy friends unless he was there to watch them. And once I got home I had to call him right away. The more our relationship grew so did his control over me.

Alone in this house again tonight as the TV’s on with a bottle of wine, and the pictures of you and I around me filling with tears of your spirit surrounding me. I always thought that being strong would never cause me to lose my self control. When the memorial service began at school I said that I would never have thought I would find out my first loved had committed suicide because he thought his life was so meaningless. To me His life was not meaningless; I thought his life was full and vibrant, before he hit a rough patch in his life. I loved him with all my heart and I will never forget him no matter what. I got off the stage into a world full of regrets, sadness, and hopelessness.

Now the oak trees are swaying in the early autumn breeze with a golden sun shining onto my face. I look at that sun with my tangled thoughts as the mockingbirds sing, thinking to myself that this world isn’t a bad place after all. Oh why, that’s what I keep asking, was there anything I could have said or done. But who is I to judge or explain, I am only left with one burning question. Who told him that life wasn’t worth the fight? Life isn’t a bad thing until you can live it to the fullest. Now you’re gone and I cry because it’s not like you to walk away from a problem. I can’t think of no one else and I never believed in much. But I believe in this "That someday we shall meet again". The distance between us may be long but in the end we will meet once again.

I’ve always needed time for myself, but I never thought I needed you when I cried, once you were gone the pieces of my heart are missing you, and your face I came to know more and more. After you would leave I would call you and you would say "I miss you" to get me through the night and day. And you held it all but you were careless to let it fall. You should have held it all and I was by your side, powerless. I was powerless to tell you that I didn’t want to be controlled any more. Powerless to finally have the freedom I wanted from you. I watched you fall apart and chased you to the end. But I was left with emptiness that words cannot be described in words. You’ll never know what I became because of you, you had promised me ten thousand promises, but instead it turned out ten thousand ways to lose me. Throughout all of this I lost a friend, boyfriend, and my first love.