I think the most about you when I lay here at night by myself, and my thoughts usually go like this:

What if I could just erase all the memories and feelings I have for you? Would that mean taking back all the laughing and good times that we share with one another? But wouldn’t that be easier for me; so I wouldn’t have to look at you and think about all the what ifs. Or what if I finally told you how I feel? How your smile makes me smile. How your intentions make me feel safe, and how your eyes make my heart melt every time you look at me. Would that change our friendship, one that was built with time and memories, but then again not telling you just might be the easiest and safest thing for me to do. However, with you nothing is ever safe, and I can just hear you now, “Don’t be scared. Just take the jump and see what happens”. What if I told you how every night you’re the last person to cross my mind; would you laugh and say, “foolish girl I never liked you more than just a friend”. As for me, to hear the words, “I am just a friend”, has to be my biggest fear next to death; something my heart is not quite ready and strong enough for. Or what if I told you that I have given you my heart and you do not even know it? What would you do, would you take my heart, rip it up, and throw it back at me, so you can move on with your life? And what If I asked you how you feel about that night, a night that changed me? Would your eyes fill with regret and say that it was just a meaningless night, and I should just stop asking questions, because some questions are just not meant to be answered. Every night I think, “WOW”, I did the one thing I was not supposed to do. I gave my heart away to this unbearable disease called: Teenage Love. And who else am I supposed to talk to when I have these late night thoughts? And what if I called you feeling like my world is about to collapse with emotions? Would you see my name flash across the screen and rapidly click the ignore button?

However, when I am laying in my bed at night, after all the tears have dried up and all the negative thoughts have dwelled out; I suddenly get a sliver of hope, and my thoughts begin something like this:

What if I told you how I feel and your only response was that I have been waiting for you. And what if I told you that you are the last person I think about at night, and you say, “I am thinking about you too, my love”! Or what if I told you I was caught in this disease called: Teenage Love? Would you tell me it was not a disease, but a miracle that brought me to you? And what if I apologized for causing you trouble that one night, trouble that could have been prevented by the both of us? Would you say, “Don’t apologize because that night was amazing, and I do not regret anything at all”…

This is usually where my thoughts turn into dreams, dreams that will peacefully take me through the night. Only until I wake up, in the morning, and realize that what ifs are just ideals of the future. Ideals that no one can foretell or predict, unrealistic dreams that the mind makes up to play out different outcomes. But what if my what ifs came true, would I be happy or sad? Would you be happy or sad? Would we be together, as a couple, happy or sad? As for now my what ifs are still going to be my what ifs, and these what ifs will be the reason why I stay up at night thinking about you.