I’ve spent hours mindlessly counting the stars, finishing the dying hours of summer nights off by tallying up the lights so far out of my reach. By my side was always my best friend, her head gently bobbing on my shoulder with each soft breath and her warmth radiating onto me. She could never last the whole night and I’d be left alone to my thoughts in the empty stretch of marshes we’d discovered while exploring the uninhabited regions of Maine. On most nights, the moon would be our backdrop as we laid out in the back of my truck; the only sound for miles the low murmur of the aging engine, adding a soundtrack to the serenity and simplicity of the night. I came to love every moment spent under the stars.

My best friend. When she was awake, Vanessa was always smiling, her smile bright and welcoming. Her brown eyes always had a certain glow to them, bright like the stars high above us that I loved so much. Everything about her was warm. No matter what the circumstances, she could make me laugh and I can’t remember a time I wasn’t happy to see her. We’d stay up all night talking about everything and anything, always playfully making fun of each other and reminiscing on our young lives. In those moments together, all worries disappeared.

She squeezed my hand. I was back in reality, my dream dissipating from the marshes and trees surrounding me back to the white walls and cots. The gentle scent of pine returned to the smell of antibiotics, sanitizer, and fear. I was back in the hospital at the edge of a bed, staring into the same vibrant brown eyes and smiling back at the sparkling smile that I knew so well. Vanessa still had the same glow about her. She never let the cancer take away her smile, despite it stealing her hair, strength, and ability to leave the hospital bed. I’d promised to visit her every chance I got and for the last three months, I had watched as the sickness worsened. I was watching my best friend’s body slowly wither to the illness and had to sit beside her, helpless against the disease as more and more treatments were added into her schedule and more and more chords were supplying her with new medicines.

“Is something wrong?” There was sincere concern in her voice and I realized a tear was slowly falling from my cheek. My mind was racing in a million different directions.

“I should be the one worrying about you,” I said with a half laugh. “Stop it.”

“Mike, trust me I’m fine. But I’ve been thinking a lot.” She paused to catch her breath. Her lip was quivering. “Remember all those nights under the stars? I miss that, a lot.”

“Of course. You’d always fall asleep on me.” We both laughed and she jokingly pushed me off the bed. I turned back towards her and could see her eyelids fighting off exhaustion. She was getting tired earlier and earlier now. Grabbing my coat, I moved for the door. “Get some rest, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Don’t be late again,” she whispered. I smiled, looking back into her eyes for the last time. They still shined like the stars. I’ll never forget them.

That night, I dreamt of those summer nights. I imagined myself up with the stars, free from the realities of this world. I was one of those bright lights hidden within the black of the night, shining down upon us. Time wasn’t a factor. There weren’t any expectations. There was no worries, no fear, no pain. And there were no goodbyes.