I am normal- In relative terms anyway. I go to a normal American high school, full of normal American kids, in a normal American town. I experience all the normal teenager feelings- loneliness, stress, anxiety, euphoria, and love. Or, at least what I thought was love. When I met him, my world turned upside down. I learned what it was to feel safe in someone’s arms, and I learned what it is to feel what my love does. I never wanted my world to flip right side up. But as we all know, you don’t always get what you want.
Sometimes, things just don’t work out. I knew that eventually I would be okay, but for right then, I just wanted to curl up and die. I had never cried so much in my life. I hated that feeling of brokenness. I was a strong girl, always had been, and I did not like feeling out of control. My friends told me I was better off, but I couldn’t see that. He was my everything.I planned my college around his goals. His future was my own. But, I healed. I moved on. I dyed my dark brown hair to an intense red. I dressed up every day. I sang more than I ever had before, even if they were all break up songs. I told myself that I could do better, and I told everyone that I was over it.
But people say a lot of things they don’t mean. When I look at him, I see all we had. I know that I probably love my memories of him more than I love him, but I cannot believe that. When he smiles, my heart still stops. I long to smell his distinctive mixture of colognes and feel his arms around me. When we talk, I try to act as though everything is okay, but I know in my heart it isn’t.
I’ve always loved Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Ever since I was a little girl, I identified myself with her. My parents were also conservative and watched my every move. I wanted to live a grander life full of love and happiness. I wanted to be someone I wasn’t. With my new red hair, all my friends jokingly called me Ariel on a daily basis. I always made a point to start singing a song from the movie. “Part of Your World” is one of the more major ones, so I always chose that one. My friend Nikki called me Ariel in Algebra class one day, so I started singing, and as I was singing, I realized I was singing to him. I felt his eyes on me as I got to the climax of the song, and I slowly sang quieter and quieter. I felt my heart tug as his eyes turned away from me.
All I wanted was to be a part of his world, but that was no longer an option. Unlike Ariel, my life isn’t a fairytale. It doesn’t have an especially happy ending, but I am alive. What I do with my life may not matter in the long run, but for right now, it is what I have. I will make the most of it.