He loves me,
he loves me not.
He loves me,
he loves me not.
He loves me,
he loves me not.

She loves me.

3.09.2003
It is my 7th birthday. Today I know; today it all makes sense. It is a Tuesday night, 7:06pm, precisely 36 minutes past my bedtime. We are sitting awake in my bed, Lara and I, huddled under the covers with a bottle of Coca-Cola we stole from Mum’s mini-fridge. Lara is my bestfriend, my partner in crime; if you count sniping sodas room your parents a crime, that is. We snuggle together under the duvet, my night light illuminating her face; her freckles dotted perfectly along her rosy pink cheeks, her golden hair swept gracefully infront of her eyes. Oh those eyes. My hand reaches towards her and caresses her head as I pull her closer to me, embracing her warmth. Her plump, pillowly lips allure me in and our eyes lock. In that moment, I know exactly what I want: Her. My lips are drawn to hers, as if there is a magnetic force pulling us together. I am in love with my best friend.

4.09.2003
Confusion takes over my entire being. These feelings contrast eveything I have ever known, eveything I have been taught. You will fall in love, they said. With a man, they said. At school my friend Sebastian gets teased for liking boys, for being gay; I don’t want to get teased! Mum says that being gay is a choice, she thinks everyone is born to like the opposite gender. Dad says that they’re just confused, just trying to figure out what they really like. But I know what I like, I know who I like… I like Lara.

3.09.2010
We sit awake in my bed, Lara and I. 7 years have passed but the memory of her lips against mine never faded. We are here, once again, huddled under the covers, this time with a bottle of Shiraz from the mini-fridge. We are here, once again, with her soft, crimson lips alluring me in, each kiss leaving me breathless. Our hearts collide under the sheets and fireworks explode every time she smiles. She giggles, her laugh like a breath of fresh air. I am so undeniably in love with Lara.

17.04.2012
The night sky is freckled with stars and the luminous moon dances to the beat of my heart. My toes linger upon the damp sand and the sweet perfumes engulf my entire being; sweeping me off my feet. My heart & soul ache for the sound of her voice; a voice as sweet & as smooth as silk. A soft breeze brushes against my neck, followed by delicate whispers. My head whips around to the most beautiful, angelic being my eyes have ever landed upon. Lara’s lips graze my ear, seducing me ever so subtly.

I love you

             I love you.

28.05.2012
Three thousand, six hundred & twenty two miles apart. Lara & I are three throusand, six hundred & twenty two miles apart. I am drowning in a pool of my own tears, they are consuming me drop by drop. I am crouched on the ground, head clutched in both hands. I am both physically and mentally exhausted from the marathon of thoughts running through my brain. It feels like there has been a bullet to my heart, Lara had caused me a lifetime’s worth of pain. She doesn’t love me, she doesn’t miss me, she doesn’t need me; she left me. She left my soul to rot. The world around me dims and wanes as I fight desperately to keep our love alive. Inside my chamber of thoughts, I am battling for a woman who couldn’t care less, who doesn’t need me. This battle wound lurks inside of me like a black hole, absorbing all of my joy, all of my hope, all of my love; it devours me whole. Traumatizing… that’s what it is.

My mind overflows. Lara. My mind is buzzing with the fear of losing her forever. Lara. She left me without a trace. Lara. Shattered my heart. Lara. She was selfish. Lara. I was naïve. Lara. We were so madly in love. Lara. We are so madly in love. Lara. I miss her. Lara. I want her. Lara. I need her. Lara.
4.08.2015
Distance no longer stands between us as our fingers intertwine and our souls melt into each other’s, combining in a whirlwind of laughter. Lara smiles, a smile the colour of crushed lavender leaves, as she tilts her head towards the sky. She really does love me, she really is sorry. A burning desire to hold Lara in my arms rages in my heart and I pull her towards my chest, not ever wanting to let go.
She stares into my eyes; my chest grows tight and my mind goes numb. I look into hers; they say the eyes are the key to the soul, I think I finally understand what they mean.  I have never felt this way before. She gives me a high; no drug could ever provide me more. I believe love is all or nothing, if it doesn’t make you tremble at the thought of its absence, you should move on. But I tremble and I pine, for a love that was once mine. A love that is patient, a love that is kind. I understand now, why hurricanes are named after individuals. Lara was a hurricane; wild and completely unpredictable. I am willing to give up my entire world for her. I am willing to give up all that I have, and all that I am for her.
Lara my love, my rock.
Will you marry me?
7.10.2015
Dearest loved ones, today I tie the knot with the one I love so deeply. I need Lara in my life. She is my anchor, my hope. She gives me strength, so I can cope. When skies are grey, she stands by me. Her loving heart, it sets me free.
No matter the distance, I will always be yours. No matter the circumstance, I will always love your flaws. Please trust me because I love you, this is where I say I do.
Home is not where you are from, it is where you belong. Some of us travel the whole wold to find it. Others find it in a person.
I have found my home.