Time seemed to stop at that moment, he kissed me clumsily. There was a blank in my brain so I could not feel anything except his soft, warm lips. But now, I can only dream about this, reminisce about this. Sometimes I hope I will never awake so that I can enjoy that moment longer and longer, but it was a dream that will never come true.
       Actually I did not like him at first and I did not even notice this person. To me, he was just a normal boy. I clearly remember that he started to make jokes about me when we were in eighth grade such as I only cared about my studies; I was too ugly to make friends; no one liked me and so on. I hated him so much, so I wanted to shut his stupid mouth and use whatever way I could use.  One day my friend asked me if I was brave enough to bet with her or not. Of course I was brave. Then she told me she discovered that that boy always said some mean things to me. If I could make him like me, she will let one of my small dreams come true. Prior to this, I tried to make her change a person that I need to play this little game with, but she did not agree. So I have to accept because I wanted to show her I was courageous. I will never like this kind of boy I thought, I could fall in love with every boy except him. But for the prize, maybe I could ask him to help me lie to my friend that he liked me. I thought I prepared well, so, in the
 same day I tried to talk to him. I asked him a stupid math question where everyone knew the answer. Unexpectedly, he carefully explained the steps to me instead of laughing at me and loudly said I was such a fool. It was my first time to be so close to a boy who was neither ugly nor handsome. He had a handsome face, gentle smile, and deep eyes. His white shirt smelled like sunshine; a little bit sweet and mild. It make feel like I was home, peaceful and contented. In the next second, I was so nervous because I was scared about this such a close distance. I told him I understood in a low voice perfunctory and could feel the colour rushed into my cheeks and the sweat appeared on my hands. “He definitely saw my red face” I thought shamley and I did not want him to laugh at my face “ you are so ugly when you blushes”, he usually talked to me like that, I could imagine. So I ran outside of the classroom to calm down the temperature of my hot face. The speed of my heart pounding was unsustainable. Everyday I tried to use different ways to talk to him even though my face was like the volcano which spouts flame and lava.
         One day before I slept, I lay on my bed and thought about what I should ask him tomorrow. I finally realized how serious this problem was. Why do I always think about him? It is because I liked him? Why do I like him? It was impossible. I could not do that because it was just a game. I did not tell anyone about that night. I dreamed about him - he held my hand soulful and asked me if I could become his girlfriend.
           December was a very important month for everyone, all of us needed to help our family prepare for the new year. For me, it meant that I had more topics to talk with him like whether or not he finished decorating his house or not. I did not realize I walked home with him everyday after school the entire month. I knew we was not living in the same community but we had one shared street where we could walk home together. I changed, I could feel it. Everyday before school, I wished that the school time could be shorter and shorter so that I could enjoy time with him the after school. At that time, I also did not realize that instead of joked on me, he helped me with a lot of personal problems and always stayed with me. I just did not know the truth, maybe someone also be with him and their theme was as same as mine, because his attitude changed a lot.
          I felt like he was just one of my friends that I could tell my true life and emotions with. I was such a fool, If I told him I liked him a little bit earlier, I could’ve been together with him longer. If he refused, I could also tell him it was just a joke. The bet with my friend was not as important as before, I only wanted our relationship could become closer. I discovered he was almost perfect but he always talked with girls, if a girl wanted him to do something for her, he would agree every single time. He was like a big magnet and my heart was just like one normal iron chip in the thousands of iron chips sucked on the surface of the magnet. To tell you the truth, I hated guys who had a good relationship with every girl, just like him. I hoped he only cared about me, but I were scared to talk to him. Maybe for him, I was an ordinary girl and he did not even care about me. I did not have the qualifications to tell him that. The way I thought was very negative so I thought strangers were better than me. I liked him but he did not know. So I started to ignore him - ignored his messages, his calls, and his QQ messages - even if I really wanted to reply. It was the best way for me to deal with this relationship with him. But he seemed to care about me more than before when I ignored him. He came to sit in front of me every breaks before class began automatically and asked me if I was ok or not. I really enjoyed the feelings which was like a dim moonlight - hazy, beautiful but I could not touch.
          On Jan. 1, 2015, he told me he liked me in QQ. Straightforwardly, he started “ Angel, I like you”. I was too excited to laugh even though it was just a message that showed on my phone screen, but I knew that there was a person who was anxiously waiting for my reply. He told me I was the first girl that he truly liked, he shown more than three times that he liked me but he thought I did not even care about him. He thought that he needed to tell his true feelings to me even though he almost gave up. For me, it was the same, when you fall in love with someone, you always worry about whether or not the person cared about you. At that moment, I thought he was my whole world, he was the person that I could entrust for the rest of my life. Then I typed “ I love you too”, these four words contained all my emotions at that time, I thought he could understand. In our middle school, every student thought we were together more than our time in middle school. They were all optimistic about us. It was magic. I found the sweetest boy I had ever seen. I could not tell how sweet he was but he would do everything for me. I worried instead of enjoying the time we had because he still talked to girls even though I hold him I hated this action but the truth was I was scared about he will leave me one day and become one of the other girls’ boyfriend. Then I deleted all the female contacts in his QQ. I was not sure if he would be angry or not, but if someone did that to me, I would hate that person forever. I thought he would understand because he loved me. If he loved me, he needed to love me entirely, and bear all the problems. It was true, he did not blame me, he only promised me that he will never talk to another girl except me. It truly worked, but I still watched all his actions  carefully everyday, even though nothing seemed suspicious. By accident, I found one girl who sat in front of him who wanted him to help her pass her homework. I was totally sure that he realized I was angry because he apologized to me at least one hundred times. I was so selfish and I was not in a good mood at that time. All my cells were thinking about how he was betrayed me. I deleted his QQ but he kept adding me. However I just clicked and refused. The next day, he did not come and sit with me. It was then that I realized I did something wrong so I tried to talk to him but it got worse I never thought before about how this would end. I thought he would tell me that I should calm down or something else, but he just sat on his chair and read a book; how hardworking he was. Things became the opposite. He was mad at me this time. Maybe I should tell him I was wrong. Actually I only wanted to talk to him or hug him tightly. I tried to add him that night and type a lot of things such as how badly I treated him and I wanted to change my personality, but he only replied “ Hehe” and then he deleted me. Why did he not forgive me and became such a cruel person? It seemed like we were strangers. It was hard for me to read him.
         As time went by, one of my best friends who knew I liked him told me he did not like me anymore because when she tried to help me communicate with him, he just ignored her and he told her that he did not want to talk about me. We were not in the same city and we are not in the same country anymore. Why would we still have a relationship across such a big ocean? Yeah, she was right, but I still like him. I want to tell him that I was so sorry to hurt him again and again. He did not say something like “ let’s break up,” “ I hate you,” or “ I’ve fallen in love with someone else so I do not want to talk to you”,  because when we were together, he told me he will never say “ let’s break up” to me. But that was no big difference to being broken.
          I tried to ask myself how long it takes to recovery from the pain. I miss him, his kiss, his hands, his shoulders, I miss his everything. No one will understand all things happened in one second. It’s too complicated for a normal people to catch and know. Maybe I should continue being alone because I think it is the best punishment for me. I read too many fairy tales before so I thought we were like the prince and the princess in the story that being together with each other forever. I am afraid that I will forget how he looks one day but I think I will never forget our memories. The most precious memories I have are with him.
       The last “I love you” that I’ve never had a chance to tell him was lost in the abyss.