I saw her for the first time since I broke her heart last night. She looked more beautiful than ever. They had just been passing through our favorite coffee shop. We were 10 feet away from each other. She looked up towards me and flashed a smile. Her unique smile shone so bright. I longed for her again, the mistake I had made last night, was a mistake. I smiled back and I lifted my hand up to wave. She didn’t wave back. She just kept on walking. Past me never even remarking my presence. I turn around following where she was going when my stomach sank. I put my head in my hands and look down. She wasn’t smiling at me.

“Stop looking at me like you want me.” She stepped back. “We both know you don’t, and… and” she looked up at me, “You never did! You can’t love anyone until you love yourself!” She took a breath to gather herself. “You can’t even love...him.” She said last night. When I told her, I didn’t know if I loved her, but I still desired for her to stay mine till I figured it out. She disappeared in the night, only to appear this morning in the arms of this man.

She laughed, and my heart crumpled like the last love note I had given her.

I stare for a bit longer at her. It isn’t until they’ve quickly embraced and left when I began to walk away. An almost empty parking lot, only holding my car, is where I appeared. Coffee-less. I hear a car horn blare and move out of the way. No cars pass me, so I turn around. I shake my head in disbelief when I see there is nothing behind me. I rub my eyes with my wrists.

I pause next to my blue car. I blink slowly.

I hope she was worth it. Obviously written on my car side with red paint by the man I had hooked up with the night before. I press the unlock button and slide in. This wasn’t written by her, but rather the boy I had fallen in love with during her and my time together.

I don’t know where I’m headed, I’m still confused on how she could just… Look through me like that. I let my emotions drive me to where ever my heart desired.

Unannounced, I return to the place I had called home only to arrive at the foot of her front door. I knock three times on her door. She opens it and makes eye contact with me for a split second, “Hi.” I let slip out.

She acts like she can look right through me. Looking around always past me, she started to close the door. My head fell into my hands and I closed my eyes and said, “I thought you loved me.”

She ripped the door open. “How dare you say that to me.”

She yelled and screamed, “CAN’T YOU TELL? I’ve been in love with you in every waking minute of every day of every month for five years. No matter how hard you had made things I stuck it out because I am in love with you, that’s what you do for people when you love them so goddamn much. It was never hard to love you, it was hard to be with you. Which is your own fault, I did everything I could, only to be treated like this.

Ridiculous.” She fell to her knees and whispered, “Stay away from people who make you feel like you’re hard to love.”

I dropped down to her. Still across from her. She cried and shook. I place my hand on hers which was placed next to her. She pulled her hand away and reached into her jean jacket pocket. She pulled out a small ball of paper and threw it at me. “I kept that. I told you I threw them all away. Huh so I guess now you aren’t the only one who lied.”

I unravel the small paper...

Dearest,
I hope you are doing well this is a little reminder I love you, and I will never leave you. I know it’s been hard for us both, but we will stick it out together. No matter who doesn’t support our love. We’re in this together.
Sent with much love
Yours.

05-06-13

“I cut my fingers on the edges of your love letter, in hope of them actually being true. But now I’m left in an area of distrust and sliced fingers.” She speaks harshly.
I look at her. “They weren’t all lies.”
“Did he get the same letters?”
“NO!” I look back down at my hands and there’s no paper. “Where-” I look back up, and she’s gone. The door was shut tight. I walk over to the window a few feet away from the door. I look through. It’s that man again, from the outside the coffee shop, he has his arm around my-
No. She’s not mine. What I had done to her was unforgivable. She let’s out that beautiful belly-laugh, the one she used to do whenever I’d tickle her back. She used to laugh like that with me.
I’d rather have her happy than mad at me.
“Very good. Almost a year later, and you now understand.” A voice comes from behind me. I place my hand on the window, but I turn my head. No one is behind me.
“It is time to let go.” Says the voice again. I look back at the beautiful woman that I had cherished.
“She’s happy again. It’s time to let go. Embrace where you’re heading.” A hand is placed on my shoulder, and I turn around to see who the hand belongs together,
No one is standing there again, and there is no hand. A car’s bright headlights blare at me.
“Okay.”
A car horn screeches, and I close my eyes to be greeted by the sense of relief and contentment.