January 18

Hello. Parents gave me this journal for Christmas. Was my “main gift”, or most expensive one. Main gifts have lessened over years. One of earliest memories is of kid-sized Toyota truck as main gift. Could go very fast but broke after drove it in creekbed with little brother. Been tired but will try to write when possible. Keeps mind busy. 

January 21

Dad coming home later every night. Last night was worst yet. Came home with angry look on face holding pink papers covered in large writing. Still unsure what he is doing all day but know he is working very hard. Mom made cheese sandwiches for dinner. Split with brother. He didn’t like. Could hear stomach rumbling from bottom bunk. Feel bad but know parents doing their best. Going to sleep now.

January 23

Mom gave us pastries from local bakery for dinner. Tasted okay, kind of stale. Packaging had red marker slash across it. After dinner, went into garage to gather empty bottles for school project. Found colorful boxes in recycling bin. “AJB” in bright yellow letters on each one. Brought one inside to use for project. Mom saw box and brow furrowed. Yelled for Dad. Rest of night they argued with each other behind bedroom door. Couldn’t sleep, even with pillow over head.

January 25 

Dad’s spot at dinner table empty again tonight. Mom sad. Tried to hide it from me and brother but was noticeable. Her forehead wrinkles when sad, even if rest of face is calm. Cheese sandwiches for dinner again. Tried to eat but tasted funny. Thankful for journal, keeps mind off hunger.

January 25 

Double entry. Writing this from top of bunk bed. Went to bed without nightly tuck-in from Dad. Dad usually home in time for tuck-in, no matter how late he works. Woke up to pee and heard loud noises from garage. Peeked through door and Dad had head inside AJB box. Entire body was shaking. Scared me. Ran and told Mom. She  stormed into garage and pulled box off head. Dad had huge grin on face, super huge. Sort of like Cheshire Cat. Eyes were very wide. Mom tried to talk to him, his voice sounded high pitched. Jumped back a little. Mom shooed me inside. Worried about Dad.

February 8

Been a little while. Many days feel the same. Got home from school today and noticed letters on table. Anytime letters on table, Mom and Dad argue. Tonight heard yelling about Dad’s job, AJBs, electricity shut off? Feel scared and confused.

February 9

Dad was home all day today. Even ate dinner with us. Mom and Dad not speaking to each other. Table felt cold and lonely. Dinner was instant noodles. Mom overcooked them. Slept on stomach, felt less hungry. 

February 11

Found more AJB boxes in recycling bin. Hope Dad is okay. Still not talking with Mom.

February 14

Woke up in middle of night to Mom screaming. Rushed into garage to find Dad laying on floor, AJB box on head. Men in blue outfits came in and picked him up like ragdoll. Drove us to big gray building with Dad on portable bed. Been sitting in lobby all night, writing in journal. Bored.

February 15

Men in white coats brought us to room. Room has large window looking across city. Pretty view. Dad in white bed on stilts. Eyes half open, tubes in arm. Men tell us he’s sleeping. Share chips from vending machine with brother for dinner. Mom says she’s not hungry. Know that she is, just puts our needs over hers. Very selfless. Love her very much.

February 16

Dad still in white bed on stilts. Sit next to him and watch chest rise and fall. Listen to mechanical beeping sounds. Strangely comforting. Mom walks in circles and runs fingers through gray hair, mumbling about debt, bills. Feel bad for her. Want to comfort her, maybe put arm around shoulder but do not know what to say. Stay next to Dad all night instead. 

February 17

Men in white coats in and out of room all day and night. Talk about AJBs. Not sure what’s going on. Dad didn’t open eyes all day. Fell asleep in chair to beeping sounds.

February 18

Woke up with backache from hard wooden chair. No more beeping sounds. Dad not in bed anymore. Heavy silence in room. Mom wrinkling forehead.