Wow. I love this story so far. It is very well done. The only problem I have is the same that AddictedToWriting has. Start a new paragraph every time a new character comes in or when the other character repiles to the speaker. It cuts down on the confusion the reader has. ^^

Overall, you did an amazing job and I hope to see more of your work soon. ^^

Nice.  I hope you decide to continue this and make it into a novel or something.

Just one thing; when there's two or more people talking, you have to begin a new paragraph each time a new person talks, otherwise it's entirely too confusing.

This was really interesting to read. LOL, I couldn't have imagined that "they" were aliens! :) Nice twist. At first, I was confused as to why "they" were calling the girl, "it." But, then, it makes sense.

However, I think you could make the dialogue more clearer. Try indenting, instead of muddling up the dialogue in one hunk of a paragraph.

Also, this story needs more to it. Like the others said, you should have added more events. Everything went by in an oddly fast manner. Basically, you need to develop this story more.

“Ok, stay calm.” My breathing became more regulated. “Stay calm. You are not going crazy. You are just imagining things.” I laughed inside. “Imagining voices.” That sounded like I was going insane. “Who’s there?”

“See I told you to shut up!”

 “So I’m not going crazy,” I mumbled to myself. “I can’t see, can you help me? I seemed to have taken a spill because I can’t move my legs either.”

“You idiot! Now it knows we’re here! You could have kept quiet like I told you to, but no you had to have the last word!”

“No I didn’t!”

 “Now what do we do, Oh Bossy One?”

 “Shh quiet! Maybe it hasn’t seen us yet!”

“What do you mean it hasn’t seen us yet? It heard us! Besides, you are the one who sealed its eyes shut with the serum!”

 “Oh yeah… But still if we keep quiet, maybe it will forget about us.”

 “You always underestimate humans and it inevitably gets us into trouble!”

 “That’s not fair.”

“Missions aren’t meant to be fair, now be quiet!”

 “Um, whoever is there, you know I can still hear you right?” Silence met my question, and with that silence came the realization that I was in trouble- big trouble.

I raised my head to the sky, ready to scream to god. I was met be a huge explosion of broken glass mixed with the golf-ball-sized hail. That was when I realized that the ground was dry and warm. Where was I? There were footsteps, now, followed by shouting. “Blast! How did they find us?”

“You idiot, they probably tracked the earthling that you stole!”

“I stole? It was your idea to go out for an early snack, and it was also your idea to bring it along with us!”

 “Never mind that! Just grab it and scatter!”

“Stop them! Don’t let them take the girl!” Shouted a guy’s voice.

Garret?

“A girl!”

“So that’s what it is,” said my captors with realization.

This was a great concept. Orginal. I love orginality. Use that. Change what I wrote. Make it your own, but don't forget the basic grammar rules.

I think you are a wonderful author, but are still progressing, just as I am. I'm not an expert, god knows that, but I do love helping people to improve. If you have any specific questions on how to fix it up (or the revisions I made) then just reply to my comment.

can't wait for your next draft. : )

And of course with my luck, This 7-Eleven happened to be closed. I was stuck. Huddled as close to the building as I could get, I wanted to scream. If that weren’t enough of a problem, my cell phone had died, or should say it was killed, because when I brought it out to call my mom it got knocked out of my hand by the hail and shattered when it hit the pavement. I was shivering by then so I wouldn’t have been able to hold the cell phone anyway, or at least that was what I kept telling myself. I grabbed my cell from my backpack and pressed two. The speed dial called my mother. It rang. Then, out of nowhere, hail knocks it out of my hand. It shatters across the pavement, more hail beating it, as if it weren’t dead enough. “Isn’t that a little overkill?” Shudders quaked throughout my body and my teeth began to chatter like crazy. I decided that I would have to wait the storm out, or freeze to death, whichever came first. I sat my backpack down and made a pillow out of it. I tried to keep warm by huddling into a ball and laying my head onto the backpack. Before I knew it, I fell asleep.

“Will it be alright?”

 “I don’t know it looked like an ice cube when I found it.”

 “Pity. I wanted a snack before sunrise.”

 “Nice Try! I found it! It’s mine!”

“Oh yeah? Who had the idea to go out for an early snack? Huh? That would be me. And who decided we better take it just in case it thaws? Me, again! That makes it mine!”

 “You pig! You got the last one anyway! So its my turn to feast!”

 “How come you always pull rank on me? Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you are the boss!”

 “We can’t eat it anyways. We have a mission to complete. And you’re not going to mess this one up like the last one! I am tired for covering for you! It makes me look like the fool, when you are the one who is the fool!”

 “Oh shut up!”

 “No, you shut up!”

 “I told you first!”

 “I told you-“

 “Shh! Shh! It’s waking!”

 “There you go again being bossy!”

 “I said shut up!”

 Whack!

 “Alright!”

I couldn’t open my eyes. They felt like they were sealed shut, and whenever I tried to move, I could feel my body moaning and groaning. It felt like there was an earthquake, but I was the only one shaking? I thought that I was going crazy. While I was lying down, I could have sworn that I heard voices. There was no one so foolish to go out into a winter storm just to get some groceries at a 7-Eleven, unless they wanted a new paint job for their car. Though I couldn’t make out what they were saying, I could have sworn I heard the voices again right as I tried to sit up. I crumbled back down to the pavement with an “umph!”

Alright, so I liked the idea of this story. I just don't think it was developed enough. The paragraphing was off. Sentences were choppy, repetition scattered it, dialouge could be cleaned up quite a bit to seem more realistic, some things just seemed awkward the way you worded it, description was skimpy, comma usage, punctuation in generall (especially around dialouge) and... her thoughts should be italics with a comma then she thought.

I think this could be a lot better if you work on it.  Just a little of ACTUAL criticism will make a BIG difference. I know that for sure.

The way I did this was stuff I added/changed in bold and sentences to delete or just make the writing awkward or unprofessional-looking underlined. I hope this was a detailed enough comment.

What can I say, maybe this was all a misunderstanding. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t. It all happened by accident, but sometimes i wonder, did it really? But now that I think about it, I come to that old adage, Everything happens for a reason.

My Bright green highlights stood out in my flowing black hair. Despite my clothes being far beyond stained, I loved the comfortable way they slipped on. It was as if I wore a second layer of skin, fitting like a proverbial glove. I was hunched over a metal platter with dissecting utensils, trying to decipher which tool was used for what procedure. My lab partner was just staring at me, waiting for the right time to bolt to the bathroom. He was ready to leave, ready to escape before having to make any effort at all. He was doing that kind of twitchy dance like I used to do when I was a little kid, but I only danced like that because I was young and needed the assistance. Garret was sixteen and very capable that ancy kindergarteners did whilst waiting for the bathroom. What an immature 16-year-old.

“If you really have to go to the little boys room, Garret, I won't hold it against you” He seemed more relieved than anything as he gave me a thankful look, and ran off. “And He forgot his stuff.” I let out an irritated sigh and went back to work. It was in his nature to leave his backpack in class and ditch. It was just like all of the rest of the week. I wasn't going to see him again.

Alright- so I took the blame for his absence. Don’t ask me why because I don’t know why. Mr. Gunnar docked my participation grade by ten points because I “forgot” to tell him that my partner went home sick. Luckily, he didn’t find where I hid Garret’s backpack. I didn’t complain and I didn’t care. In fact, that robotic stare of Garret’s is what really turned me off from the idea of caring. There was something odd about how Garret’s gray eyes could look into mine and seem so robotic. It was like he was an alien from Mars and didn’t know how to show emotion. I was curious as to how he was able to be the master of disguise.  As I thought about Garret, even though my gut told me to stay away from the freak, I was intrigued. I wanted to know what made his clock tick and why did it make his clock tick in that certain way?

That was my first mistake.

The day was over. In terms  of school, yeah, but for me it was just the beginning. The clouds were shielding the sun from us, as if we were not worthy to be in its presence. These clouds were angry though, not little fluffy or puffy ones, they were thunder clouds. It was about to hail and I knew it. Was that a problem? Yes. I may have been sixteen, but I only had my permit, so no car for me. Even if I did have a car, hail was still a big problem. I did the only thing that I could do, which was sprint as fast as I could to my house; which also happened to be a mile and a half away. Great.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! “Come on!” I made my way down the slippery and wet sidewalk, cussing with each step. I was being buried by golf ball sized hail, and it did not feel good. It felt as if a spidermonkey was hanging on my back, pounding it with its furious fists. I finally gave up on getting home and ran for shelter in the nearest 7-Eleven that I could find. Here in Johnson Town, 7-Elevens substituted for our grocery stores, so naturally I would be safe there right?

Wrong.