[In a generic American bar sits Andrew, a university student. Many other students sit on tables and are playing pool in the background. The lights are dim except for behind the counter where the bartender is drying glasses. Andrew sits at the counter on a barstool.]

Andrew: A G&T, please. [Bartender grunts] Pardon? [Bartender disappears. Andrew taps his fingers on the counter] Alrighty, then. [Phone rings] Hey, where are you guys? Yeah, I’ve been waiting for like an hour. […] Oh, you couldn’t make it? Why? […] That’s okay, I mean visiting your uncle’s great aunt twice removed is much more important. Okay, bye. [Hangs up with a sigh].

Man: Your frieeennddd is kind of a (hic) asswipe. Let me tell YOU somethin’ ‘bout people like that. [Andrew is startled by the man behind him. Man slides up into barstool next to Andrew]

Andrew: I’d rather you wouldn’t.

Man: Hmmmm? You wouldn’t what? You wouldn’t grow a pair, more like! Hahahaaaahahhhhhaaaa (snort). But if we’re being tottallllyyyyy honest, I don’t have any either. Itssss alright.

Andrew: Okay, this has been great, but I’m kind of waiting for my drink to come and since it isn’t coming because the bartender has QUITE the attitude and also my friends aren’t coming and neither is Jessica which really bums me out because I thought–

Man: HEY. I’m not your shrin*K* (hic).

Andrew: [sigh] You’re right, why am I even here? I don’t even like bars. I think I’m just going to go.

Man: Waiiitttt just a gosh-darn MINUTE. How can you not like bars? They’re the most (hic) accepting places in the woorrrlddd. [shouts to other end of the room] AIN’T THAT RIGHT, JOHNNY? [Biker-type turns around]

Johnny: Who the hell are you?

Man: Awwww ain’t you a kidder! [laughs]

Andrew: That just decided it. I’m leaving. [stands up to go]

Man: [grabs arm. Andrew turns sharply. The entire bar is silent. Man whispers] I…I need to get something off my chest. Listen. Please. [Andrew sits down slowly]

Andrew: Why should I?

Man: Your friends (hic) stood you up?

Andrew: Go on.

Man: My…my name is Michael {note: all MAN lines will transform to MICHAEL}

Andrew: Andrew.

Michael: Pleasure to meet you, Andrew. Here it (hic) is. I di-didn’t mean to. I jus wannid to make ‘im stop. He w-wouldn’t stop no matter what I do no matter what she do no-matter-what-anybody-do.

Andrew: ...There, there? Um, why don’t you tell me what happened, Michael?

Michael: Well, I was comin in back from a day at the garage. You see¬–I ain’t got NO FANCY white-collad jahb like you rich college folk. [exaggerating accent to prove a point]

Andrew: Hey, now. The unemployment rates in this country for university graduates is gradually¬–

Michael: Yeah, yeah, complain. That’s all you kids do nowadays. COMPlain.

Andrew: Let’s just…get back to your story, shall we?

Michael: Aight, well. I was comin back home with grease all over my hands and my clothes–and usually Sarah mind cause she like errrryyything squeaky cleeannnn.

Andrew: Sarah?

Michael: The love of mah life. My moon, my sun and my stars.

Andrew: So your wife?

Michael: Nope.

Andrew: Ouch.

Michael: Yeah…We was sweethearts back in high school till she ran off with some Billy from the county over. Billy was more likely to get (hic) money, so she thought that it’d be best to stick with him instead of a no good nick like me. Especially when he knocked her up. And the second time. And the third time.

Andrew: What happened to the kids?

Michael: All them dead before breathing air. [Pauses. Takes a drink from his beer] God works in mysteeeeeerious ways I suppose. But why He took away all those children instead of that evil husband I’ll neva (hic) know.

Andrew: Billy was evil?

Michael: In the worst way. Not only did he steal my girl [chuckles] which is bad enough, but he began to steal otha stuff too. He was a grade A asswipe. And that’s not even the wors part. [pause] I think I said something about asswipes before but I cant seem to remember to you (hic) remember anything–

Andrew: But stealing can’t classify as evil. I mean, it’s just stuff. They can be replaced and bought again.

Michael: [slams cup on the table] Sonufabitch stole parts from my shop [laughs]. As I was saying before, I came home from tha garage with grease all over, and that was the day I decided to do it. Free Sarah from Billy. I was dirty as a dog, worse, even, but I knew that the minute I saw her face [looks off into the distance] errthing would be alright. I took a bus, anotha, anotha and a final bus to their county. I rememba she gave me the address so I could write to her. That was before you kids had the electronics and the Internet mail. So I rang the doorbell with a dozen a flowers in one hand and a hella expensive necklace in the other. 200$! Thass like…quadruplifying my rent. “GO AWAY” a man said. Boy, was he angry [laughs]. A woman was crying. I swear to God I have not heard that woman in five years but when I heard my girl, my sun and moon and stars, my Sarah crying I felt a rage well up inside a’me that screamed to hurt anything and everything that was causin her pain [pause]. Like the time someone wrecked one a’my cars. Beautiful Chevy, that was, cost about–

Andrew: So what happened next? With the man, I mean.

Michael: Oh, right (hic). I slammed down the door with the power of fifteen bulls and I saw red an’ I looked and looked for Billy. He was–he was–

Andrew: Yes?

Michael: Making dem cuts and bruises on that woman. He was angry, boy, was he angry, and I realized then it wasn’t God taking away all those babies [laughs].

Andrew: I actually read an article about abusive domestic relationships in urban surroundings during one of my sociology class and I found that–

Michael: Andrew? [Andrew looks up] Shut up.

Andrew: Yes, sir.


Michael: So what happened was I took that expensive necklace from the box and I wrapped it around his neck till his heart stopped beating. [Silence] The look that woman gave me–it was enough to drive a man drunk [Michael laughs].

Andrew: What did Sarah say?

Michael: Oh, that wasn’t (hic) Sarah.

Andrew: Wha?????

Michael: She looked at me and I looked at her and sure enough it wasn’t Sarah so I jus walked out a’there without so much as a word. I left the necklace and the flowers on the shelf. Jus a matter a’time before the cops (hic) catch up. I just hope I can have another drink before then [Raises his hand for the bartender, laughs, then glances over to Andrew] I don’ care if you wanna go, kid. I’m already dead.

Andrew: I just have one more thing to say.

Michael: (hic) Yeah?

Andrew: I’m not your shrin*K*.
[Their drinks finally arrive, they clink, and they laugh together.]