[At Rise: THE FIXER’S office in blackout.  THE FIXER speaks with a blunt, unintentionally harsh voice that mirrors the caricatural voice of a Jewish grandmother.]

THE FIXER
That’s it?  That’s all you’ve got to say for yourself?

WOMAN (O.S.)
(desperate)
Please, please let me live!  I can’t die.  What about my kids?  My husband!  They need me!  Please, have some mercy!

[THE FIXER hesitates, then blows a whistle.  The sound of a GUARD entering is heard.]

WOMAN (O.S.) (cont.)
Oh no, no, please!  Just give me a chance!

THE FIXER
Not gonna happen.  You’re done for.  Take her away.

[GUARD exits with crying WOMAN.  The sound of her scream is heard, but it is cut off by the thud of an axe.  Lights up on THE FIXER, a tiny old woman.  She sits on a stool and knits a lengthy black and white striped scarf.  She moves slowly and with difficulty.]

THE FIXER (cont.)
(calls offstage)
Hey, Joe!  What’s that, four thousand three hundred thirty six today?

JOE (O.S.)
Thirty seven!

THE FIXER
Slow day.  Next!

[BILL, an older man, enters nervously.]

THE FIXER (cont.)
Name?

BILL
Bill.

THE FIXER
Full name?

BILL
William Thomas Lewis.

THE FIXER
Age?

BILL
Sixty-two.

THE FIXER
City of residence?

BILL
Ashton.

THE FIXER
Family?

BILL
Yes.  My lovely wife Judy, and my little girl, Megan.  Well, I guess she’s not a little girl anymore.  She’s all grown up, living in—

THE FIXER
Don’t give me details.  I don’t have time for details.  I don't want the whole spiel.

BILL
Sorry.

THE FIXER
Occupation?

BILL
Retired chemistry teacher.

THE FIXER
Alright, sonny.  What brings you here?

BILL
I got into a car accident on the freeway this morning and they sent me here.  Said you were the one to talk to?  Are you from insurance?

THE FIXER
No.  I’m the Fixer.  From the Claim Department.

BILL
Oh, perfect!  The Claim Department.  So you can help me get some compensation?  Cause this accident was completely not my fault.  I mean, this Jeep ran right through the light—

THE FIXER
You’re not listening.  I’m not from your insurance company.  The fact that you’re here means you’re most likely dead.  In which case, you’re not getting any compensation at all.

BILL
Dead?  I don’t think so.  My goodness.  Dead!  I’m not dead, I’m right here having a conversation with you.

THE FIXER
Again, with the not listening!  I said most likely dead.  You’re not dead until I say so.  I’ve gotta decide if it’s worth keeping you around.  And since you had to go get into a car accident, you had a sudden, unexpected death without time for me to give you a proper trial.

BILL
A trial?  What do you mean, a trial?

THE FIXER
Do I have to spell it out for you?  The ones who die normally give me time to come up with a verdict.  I consider everything they’ve done—and not done—and then decide what happens to them.  But with your sudden death, I didn’t have time.  So now I’ve got to come up with something.  I hate car accidents.  Always extra work.

BILL

Okay…sorry about the extra work…but are you saying I died in that accident?

THE FIXER
Not yet, you fool!  Don’t you listen?  You’re wasting my time.  We’re gonna get started as soon as I finish my row.

BILL
I’m sorry.  I’m so confused.  What are we getting started with?  You’re putting me on trial to decide if I live or die?

THE FIXER
Well, that’s what I’d normally do, yes.  But you aren’t normal, cause you had to go and croak all of a sudden before I had time.

BILL
How inconsiderate of me.  So, what happens instead?  Do I just get to live?

THE FIXER
Ha.  Nice try.  You should be so lucky.

BILL
In that case, do I at least get to say goodbye to my wife?  My daughter?  If I’m really going to die, I don’t want to just disappear without a goodbye.

THE FIXER
Here’s what I’m going to do.  You’ve already wasted this much of my time and I’m a very busy woman.  We’re going to take a little field trip.  You’re going to take me back into your memories and show me what your life was like.  I’m going to watch.  That’ll be the alternative to a trial.  Then I’ll decide if you’re worth it.

BILL
I can’t believe you get to decide.

THE FIXER
Always have.  Always will.

BILL

This is the strangest insurance company I’ve ever seen.

[THE FIXER finishes her row of knitting.]

THE FIXER
Tick tock!  You’ve got five minutes.  I’ve got other people to see.  Come on, let’s go.

BILL
But I don’t know where we’re going.

THE FIXER
I’m going back to see if you were a mensch or a good-for-nothing schmuck.  Then I decide how you fared in that accident.

BILL
I must be going crazy.  I think I hit my head in the crash.

[THE FIXER snaps her fingers and the stage goes dark.  Lights up on BILL, age thirty-five, in a kindergarten classroom on the first day of school.  He kneels on the floor with his daughter MEGAN, age five.  They unpack her belongings from a backpack into a cubby.  THE FIXER watches, crouched in a tiny plastic chair off to the side.]

BILL
Do you want to hang up your jacket?

[MEGAN removes her jacket and hands it to BILL.  BILL hangs it up on a hook in the cubby.]

BILL (cont.)
There we go.  You’re all set.  I think it’s time for me to go.

MEGAN
Go?  No, wait!  You can’t go.  I forgot Teddy at home!

[BILL pulls a teddy bear out of MEGAN’s backpack in the cubby.  She grabs it.]

BILL
I got him, don’t you worry.  All right, I’m going to go now, okay?  Have a good first day.

MEGAN
No, wait!  What if I get hungry while you’re gone?

BILL
There’s animal crackers and juice in your lunchbox.

MEGAN
But…what if I want to read a book while you’re gone?

BILL
Your teacher will read it to you.  She seems very nice.

MEGAN
But…what if the other kids aren’t nice?  What if nobody wants to play with me?

BILL
Honey, I’m sure they’re nice and so are you.  You’re going to be just fine.  You’re going to have a great first day, I promise.

MEGAN
But…but…can’t we just go back home?  Or can you stay?

BILL
I wish I could, but this is your adventure on your own.  I know it’s scary, but you’re tough.  And I won’t be too far away.  I’ll pick you up at three and you’ll tell me all about the fun things you did today.  Okay?

MEGAN
Okay.

[BILL scoops MEGAN up in a huge hug.  They perform a secret handshake.]

BILL
I love you times a million.

MEGAN
I love you times a million and one.

[BILL, hiding his sadness at leaving her, watches MEGAN walk away with her teddy bear and join a group of children.  After a moment, THE FIXER snaps her fingers and the stage goes dark.  Lights up on MEGAN’s bedroom one evening.  A few years have passed.  BILL tucks MEGAN into bed.  THE FIXER observes from a stool off to the side.]

BILL
What story should we read tonight?  Harry Potter?  Charlotte’s Web?  James and the Giant Peach?

MEGAN
Um…I dunno, Dad.  I don’t really feel like it.  Maybe I’ll read on my own tonight.

BILL
What do you mean, honey?  We always read together.

MEGAN
Yeah, but…maybe not tonight.  I guess I’m just too old for it.  You know, Julia’s dad doesn’t read to her anymore.

BILL
Well, I’m not Julia’s dad.  Reading with you is the best part of my day.  You don’t want me to read even one chapter?

MEGAN
No thanks.

BILL
Oh.  Okay.  If that’s what you want.  I guess it’s goodnight, then.

MEGAN
Night.

[BILL walks over and begins their same secret handshake.  MEGAN halfheartedly follows.]

BILL
I love you times a million.

MEGAN
Yeah.  Same.

BILL
Sleep tight, kiddo.  Don’t let the bedbugs bite.

[BILL exits, discouraged.  THE FIXER snaps her fingers and the stage goes dark.  Lights up on the same room years later.  MEGAN, now a teenager, sits on her bed.  She blasts music through ear buds.  THE FIXER watches from nearby.  BILL, who has also aged, enters.]

BILL (cont.)
Hey there, hon.

MEGAN
Hey.

BILL
I wanted to talk to you about something.  Got a sec?

[MEGAN reluctantly removes her ear buds.]

BILL (cont.)
Your mother told me you want to go to the prom?

MEGAN
She told you that?

BILL
Well, to be honest, we’re not so crazy about the idea of you going to prom as a freshman.  Seems like you’re a bit young for that whole scene.

MEGAN
I’m old enough.  I’m going.  It’s fine.  Thanks for your concern, though.

BILL
Uh…you seem to be missing my point.  Your mother and I talked it over and decided that you won’t be going to prom this year.

MEGAN
What are you talking about?

BILL
Everyone else there will be way older than you.  You’re only fifteen.  There’ll be drinking and drugs and things your mother and I don’t want you exposed to.

MEGAN

That’s ridiculous.  Ryan asked me and I’m going.

BILL
Ryan?  The senior?  Absolutely not.

MEGAN
You don’t get to decide!  He asked me, not you.  I said yes and I want to go.

BILL
Sorry, honey.  Maybe when you’re older.  For now, it’s a no.

MEGAN
I can’t believe you’re doing this!  You’ve got to be kidding!

[MEGAN and BILL’s argument escalates into a shouting match.  BILL eventually gives up and walks out.  THE FIXER snaps her fingers and the stage goes dark.  Lights up on THE FIXER’s office, present day.]

BILL
My goodness, what was that?

THE FIXER
I went back and took a look at some of your important moments.

BILL
Back in time?

THE FIXER
Yes.  Keep up with me.

BILL
I’m struggling.

THE FIXER
Don’t you remember anything?  We’ve been over this.  You crashed your car.  And now I’ve got to figure out what to do with you and all your michegas.  Do you live, or do you die?

BILL
That’s terrifying.  How do you get a job like that?

THE FIXER
I don’t know.  I’ve always had it.

BILL
This is insane.  So, assuming you actually determine whether I survived the car accident or not, why did you look at those moments to see what my life is like?  I mean, you must know how hard it is to keep it together on your kid’s first day of school.  And when Megan decided she didn’t need me anymore?  That just killed me.  And she didn’t speak to me for a week after that prom fight.  Why didn’t you look at the good times?  There were so many.

THE FIXER
I’ve got to be realistic.  And I just got all the information I need.

BILL
Oh gosh, I know we were fighting but we didn’t fight often, I swear!  Please, don’t kill me for that!

THE FIXER
Oh, here we go.  The begging.  I guess I better nip it in the bud and tell you my verdict before you start kvetching.

BILL
Please!

[BILL stands uncomfortably as THE FIXER takes a long, awkward pause to think.]

THE FIXER

I’m gonna let you live, sonny.

BILL
Oh my God, thank you!

THE FIXER
Let me tell you, kid, God has nothing to do with this.

BILL
You’re a very kind woman.  Thank you.  I’ll owe you forever.

THE FIXER
I’ll get you eventually, don’t you worry.  In the meantime, I can’t let you off completely scot-free.  I’ve got to give you at least a broken wrist or a concussion or something.

BILL
Anything, if it lets me see my family again.

THE FIXER
You’re not so bad.

BILL
Thanks?  You know, if you don’t mind, can I ask you something?

THE FIXER
You’ve got thirty seconds.

BILL
Why are you letting me live?  Those weren’t exactly happy memories.  You saw me fighting with my daughter.  What made you be so kind to me?

THE FIXER
You’re a mensch.  Good parent.  Your heart’s in the right place.  I can see you only want the best for your family.  So, I’m doing a little mitzvah.  Letting you off the hook.  You’re not complaining about that, are you?

BILL
No!  Definitely not.  It was a pleasure meeting you…ma’am.  What did you say your name was again?  The Mender?

THE FIXER
Close enough.  Now move it along.  I’m busy.

BILL
Okay, I’m going.  Thanks again!

[BILL exits.]

THE FIXER
Next!

[End.]