I knew this would happen. Perhaps it’s a sixth sense of mine; to know when I am going to break apart, just to glue the pieces back together again. That’s why I brought myself here, to my enclosure. I keep it with me at all times, so I can slip away.It’s crisp and black, like the new marker from a Crayola box, and it surrounds me. I choose to go to such a barren space in the hopes that it will keep out my enemies.

Nevertheless, I hear the walls shouting at me with voices I recognize all too well. They command me to worm my way out of the small door into the world. I don’t dare to move closer to the door, for fear of the voices snatching me up with their eager little hands. If they can’t convince me to go, they might just drag me out. I would go kicking and screaming into the world, reborn into a sad and fearsome creature.

I don’t choose to be this way. No one in their right mind would want to become this creature for empathy, or attention, or any reason at all. But then, am I in my right mind? Who can answer this significant question in such hysteria? I notice my breathing move faster, but I feel nothing except my mind whirring at the speed of light.

The suffocation that periodically attacks me has struck again and I am hopeless to defend myself. The very air around me seems to crowd my being like plaster. It becomes a shell of the person I used to be. Mold after mold will be sent out the door to perform my customary jobs, but it is not me. Instead, I will remain in the cage while arms grasp towards me through the bars.

I stop and command myself to breathe, slowly pushing away the strangling hands. A cool breeze brushes past my nose and I devour a delicious breath. It's such a wonderful feeling, like a big meal after fasting for days on end. I listen to the sound of my heart as it creates a pulsing in my ears, like drums in a marching band or thunder cracking. The sounds are like the heavy footsteps of someone else. Someone pulsing ever faster towards my chamber - I have to get out!

I open my eyes in spite of the horrific possibilities awaiting me and find myself huddled on damp grass. It is dusk and the sun is setting. I don’t dare to move. Staring at the long blades of brownish, untended grass, I am a statue. I don’t know how long I wait here. Minutes are swishing by on a jet plane, headed for somewhere new. Anywhere else would be happier than this perdition. I feel the flames of the netherworld licking at my body and I jolt to my feet.

From my new vantage point, I see a lamp post. It glows with the light of one thousand fireflies and I am drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Suddenly, I find myself walking over the stretch of land between the lamp and me. It wasn’t a conscious choice, and yet, I continue forward. I begin to ponder why I would send myself this way, towards the spotlight, where I will be so exposed. Why do I want to be alone so badly in such a dark and desolate place?

Its because I don’t need anyone to see the shameful wretch I have become.

The thought hits me like a freight train and I shrivel in disgust. I have allowed this mess of monsters and demons into my life. I knew what was happening and I did not tell a soul about it. This is my fault and now I have to live with the consequences. Hiding from the greedy arms and the lurking beasts around me has become routine. Resentment courses through me and I taste bile in my throat.

I walk on, and as I get closer to the lamp, I begin to smell a marshy, wet stench. Glancing ahead, my heart skips a beat. There is a figure near my path; it looks to be kneeling. “Perhaps he or she is praying,” my bravery assures me. “I could join them,” I retort. “And maybe pray for someone to get me away from here.”

As the light slowly enhances the silhouette, I find myself staring at a drinking fountain. The metal gleams and shines, flashing it’s wicked grin and taunting my stupidity. Shaking my head, I move farther down the path, weary of any more tricks the night will play.

Behind the fountain I spot a rippling mass. The edge of a small lake shimmers beneath the light of the lamp. Sounds of gentle water lapping against the lake’s edge and the chirping of crickets are comforting. I know better than to be fooled by this place. It would enchant me then snap! The lake would steal me away in its jagged teeth.

I don’t care anymore, I decide, it can take me. Stomping over onto a man-made structure floating on the lake, I sigh and take a seat. I swing my legs out over the side. A surprisingly warm liquid surrounds my calves and I sigh. The stubborn, determined feeling washes away and I am left with my fear once again. This rollercoaster of emotions throws me for a loop - and not the fun kind at amusement parks.

With my feet in the water, I feel the structure I’m sitting on sway beneath me. It lulls me into a false sense of security. The drained feeling within me doesn’t care. All I want to do, is do... nothing. “Perhaps the best place to do nothing would be alone in my room,” I muse to myself. I lay back on the hard, wooden surface. Slinking into my hidden chamber once more, I hear the walls whisper, “Welcome back.”