I dressed as slow as I possibly could. I didn’t want this day to be happening; I still can’t fathom why it happened to me, to this family. As I checked my reflection in the mirror, dressed in my gloomy, black funeral attire, I realized I was not ready for the event that was to take place today. My body and spirit drained. My mind blank; I couldn’t think, I wouldn’t think. Not about the screams that came from my mother, “Lord, not my baby! My baby! Why was it my baby?” Not about the pain in my older sisters’ cries and pleas into the early morning, not about how her pain mirrored mine exactly, especially not about my youngest sister.

I went to the car before my mother and two sisters came out of the house. When I got in I let my head fall back on the seat and closed my eyes. I just needed alone time; time to prepare my mind for the image of my beloved baby sister motionless, pale and bloated. My eyes popped open as they took their places. I realized no one said a word, the pain to great. They exchanged a glance and a sigh before we were in motion.

We were not the first to arrive. Many of our family members were there including close family friends. A vast amount of these people rarely come to visit or communicate with me. I wouldn’t want these people at my funeral because they never made an effort to show that they cared when I was here, why should it be shown now. I focused on the closed casket ahead of me and was relieved that I would not have the memory of her body in that casket. I would want the same. I would want pictures of me smiling and in moments of happiness so I will be remembered that way and not as motionless, pale and bloated. I want bouquets of white carnation because they symbolize remembrance. I would want to be buried next to my grandmother, I never really knew her that well, but I know she was a wonderful person that loved me. Maybe we could become closer in death.
I took my seat in the front row at the far right end of the pew while my mother and sisters took seats at the far left end. Everyone here made an effort to offer their condolences to them but no one seemed to notice me. I didn’t pay much attention to it because my mind was clouded with grief. Infinitesimal things like that were not what I paid attention to. I couldn’t, not while my little sister lay eight feet in front of me in a closed casket. As the service began I couldn’t focus on anything but that.

My mother spoke first, “I know that my daughter and I never had the best of relationships. When she was in her teen years we never really got along and we argued throughout many of them. We didn’t know how to communicate with each other. She came to me one day and told me that we had an unhealthy relationship and we had to make changes. We worked long and laboriously on our relationship. We began to communicate more effectively and I found out so many things I never knew about her. So many things I am glad I learned before she departed from this world and passed on to a better one. I am proud to say that she changed me; she made me a better…” her voice trembled, her face twisted as if in agony and her eyes were so overwhelmed with grief then the tears began to fall, “a better women and mother.”

I took in every word she said and I had an epiphany. That story was about our relationship! Why would she be telling that story at my little sisters’ funeral? Had the grief overtaken her that much that she would think this is my funeral? I turned to ask my aunt, who was sitting in the row beside me, “Do you think my mother is okay because she just told a story that has nothing to do with my little sister?” She didn’t respond. “Hello!” was all I could get out as I simultaneously waved my hands in her face. She didn’t respond. My mind didn’t think, my body just moved. I was standing in front of the casket pulling it open. The tears welled in my eyes, my heart began to palpitate, a scream came out and the tears flowed fast and freely. It was me lying in the casket! How could that be I’m standing right here?

The next to speak was my old principle, Ms. Maxey, “Meagan is one of those students where learning is easy for her. She has made many achievements in her academics. But that is not the most significant part of her. What she believed in was. Her beliefs guided her to be the person she was. She believed that everything happened for a reason that even if it was something so bad it was meant to teach you and that you would be a better person for it. She saw every adversity as an opportunity to learn from a mistake and not to make it again.” She took her seat.

I walked to her and just stood with my face a few inches from hers. She didn’t indicate that she saw me. Then I realized that this was the case with everyone today. My mother and sisters didn’t speak to me or acknowledge me liked they acknowledge each other. The people at the funeral offered condolences to everyone except me. How could I have just overlooked all of this? My thoughts were interrupted by a voice I haven’t heard in a few years. It was one of my best friends from high school! We haven’t spoken in a while I thought she forgot about me, about our friendship. I turned to watch her speak.

“When I heard that Meagan had died of aneurism due to high blood pressure, I couldn’t believe it she was only 22. It made me think about all the times we shared and that it should’ve been who went first. I have so many health problems I don’t understand how she went before me. How could she have not recognized that it was that bad? She made me see that life gets better and that I have a reason to live. She made me see that I can be proud of who I am that I don’t have to be afraid and insecure. Now she can’t see the person I’ve become.” She cried and as she cried I did the same. I thought I had some time left before I started to change to a healthier life style. I didn’t know that my bad health habits would have results like this and so soon.

I made a difference in these peoples lives. I didn’t know I touched so many people and influenced them so greatly. Even though I am not alive, this is the best experience I have had. All I ever wanted to do was influence people and help them to see the brighter side of life. I thought that it take an act so great that ultimately I would never be able to accomplish it. I hadn’t realized that by just being me I touched so many lives.