Here’s the deal. I know there will always be places where two men will fear for their safety if they clasp hands. There will always be people who view homosexuality as an immoral abomination. I know I can’t convince these people that the LGBT community deserves equal rights. But I’ve decided to act as an opportunist and take advantage of our current recession. I’m going to make an argument for gay marriage as an economic stimulus.

If the United States were to legalize gay marriage on a national scale, parties would happen. Elated people would rush into fancy restaurants. Even the ones without intent to marry would engage in some form of celebratory money spending. Since those opposed to same-sex marriage are stereotypically prone to stereotyping, I’ll leap to one myself. Say all of these happy homosexuals patronize local and independent businesses in their merry-making. The economic benefits of this would skyrocket even more.

Next let’s go to the weddings themselves. They’re expensive. Wedding planners, renting venues, cakes, dresses, tuxedos, stylists, wine and meals for rehearsals and receptions, rings, and the list goes on and on! The happier people are, the more they’re prone to spend. Give the people equal rights, and their wallets will explode with the speed at which their money is leaving them. Don’t forget to tack on the gifts. Everyone is going to want to attend the first gay weddings, and caught up in the glee of the event, they will be buying the most extravagant gifts they can find. Honeymoons would be grand.

And gay marriage will mean gay divorce! Any kind of relationship has the chance of ending in heartbreak, and gay marriages would be no exception. All of that joy would act as the hubris before the fall. Divorces would be catastrophically emotional, and lawyers would reap the benefits of this complicated, drawn-out sorrow. But alas, shattered hearts will be mended, and after a period of being taxed as single people, the process will repeat itself.

Even if you are not a member of the LGBT community, you stand a chance to benefit from the legalization of same-sex marriage. If you’re interested in helping to save the economy, contact your local representative and request this stimulus plan!