Dear P,

I guess I will just admit it now. I like you, I always have but I didn’t realize it until it was too late. I guess it started when we used to be young and innocent. You were totally crushing on me. You used to give me your jacket on unusually cold days and you would feed me because I didn’t know how to use chopsticks. You used to treat me like I was the center of your universe, and I was obvious to all of it. As we got older you only got more persistent. You would tell me things like, “I would take a bullet for you” and “I would go to the ends of the earth for you”. I was always flattered and clueless as to what to say but deep down I knew you were telling the truth. I was always afraid to admit how I felt about you, but you were always so fearless with your emotions. I remember the first time you whispered the “L” word. We weren’t even dating we were just really close friends. But when I heard it my heart  s k i p p e d  a beat. I was totally not expecting it.

February 2016. After continuous asking and convincing, I said yes and you took me to the military ball. I remember I was so nervous about our parents meeting. At the end of the day it went well. Our parents were very fond of each other, and pushed us to be something more than friends. That day we talked, danced, and I got my first glance at what you wanted in life. When we talked, we didn’t talk like we were children. We had real conversations about life. We talked about the future and we talked about the inevitable, death. When we danced, I felt safe. I always feel safe in your arms. Lastly, seeing what you wanted TERRIFIED me. The thought of you going off to war for your country made me realize that we couldn’t be anything BUT friends. Being with you meant that I could lose you and I couldn’t afford to lose you because then my heart shatter into a million pieces.

Spring break 2016. I said goodbye to you. One of the BIGGEST MISTAKES OF MY LIFE. We were fighting and you were being impossible to talk to. I said, “I am done with this. I can’t continue to be your friend when you are being so stubborn”. And I deleted your number. Life went on, but I had a gaping hole in my heart.

September 2016. You texted me. You were frantic. It was the worst news I have ever heard. I remember I was shocked and just wanted to cry. I knew I shouldn’t. It wasn’t my right to cry, so all I did was try my best to comfort you.

October 2017. Your life flipped upside down. Gone was the boy I knew. You lost everything. You lost your innocence, your courage to love, and your passion that turned my stomach to knots.

Now. Now all I have is an empty shell of what you used to be and a hippocampus loaded with what used to be us. Seeing you this way makes me hurt, and yearn for the “good ol’ times”. NOW I realize how important it is to put my heart out there. I no longer care that it can shatter into a million pieces because seeing you this way has already shattered it. NOW I will stop at nothing to let you know that I “L” you. And I promise to get you back no matter what it takes.

J.