What is disappointment?

Our ever so trusted ‘Cambridge Dictionary’ states the definition of disappointment to be “the act of disappointing; failing to fulfill the expectations or wishes of someone.” However, for me, disappointment translates to be something a little different. Something a little darker. Something a little more heartbreaking. Something a little deeper. It is as though someone has taken a dagger, bathed it in bitter poison, and stabbed it through your heart. And has left you with no absolution and in eternal gloom.

I have a close relationship with my father. I share a considerable portion of my life with him: my thoughts, my opinions, and my dreams. Therefore, his response to what I do, have done and my decisions possess a lot of meaning to me and perhaps ponder on my mind more than I would like to admit. Such an event occurred a few months ago when one could say my life had changed forever.

           One evening my sister and I generously offered to prepare dinner. We made chicken schnitzel- and that from scratch: butchering the chicken, preparing our own bread crumbs, baking chips, and making a coleslaw as well! So, I’m certain you can imagine how incredibly excited I was to be serving the tenderly prepared meal to my family when at the peak of my anticipation, I very tragically tripped over a bump on our carpet and spilled all of the coleslaw on my mother’s lap! Instant and well-cooked disaster, if you may. My heart was broken just like my dreams for a perfect family dinner. My mother gave me a look that embodied the words “I will deal with you later” and left to clean her dress, and my sisters helped me to clean up the crime scene. A few moments later, we sat down as a family- amidst the absence of the much-missed coleslaw- and ate our dinner in silence. I thought that perhaps it wasn’t that much of a big deal, but that fallacy soon shattered when before taking his final bite, my father looked me in the eye and said:

“I am very disappointed in you today.”

And left just like the morning sunrise does.

            The rest of the night was like living through an endless storm. My mind restless and tears threatening to fall, I felt myself collapsing into something that I had not felt before. My father had uttered those words with such terrifying conviction that I was defenseless and had no reply prepared. I could no longer fight it. I had disappointed him. And that was the truth.

           I felt like an absolute failure not even being able to carry out such a simple task as bringing a bowl out to the table! If this was my state now, what will I do when I need to serve even bigger things in life? Fall and break my teeth? I imagined a bleak future stretched out in front of me. Ominous clouds against a perpetual black sky with lightning striking in my father’s words: “I am very disappointed in you today”. I imagined myself walking, head hanging low like a criminal, holding a cold cup of coffee, the only source of light in my life being when I turn on the lights in my room. And even that not always turning on!

What was all this?

Why was I feeling this way? Whose fault was this?

Was it my father’s fault for expecting too much of me?

             No. It was not. And it never will be. You see, disappointment is a funny thing because it isn’t always about the fulfillment of expectations. We, humans, are always expecting one thing or the other. My father has the right to expect things from me just as we have the right to expect the Sun to rise every day. My friends, disappointment is about love. My father said such words to me that day, eye-to-eye, because he wants me to do the best I can in whatever responsibility I take on, whether it be climbing a mountain or simply serving a bowl of coleslaw on the table. And that day, my life did change forever because my father very cleverly taught me one of the greatest life lessons. That being: to embrace the disappointment and use it as my drive to do the best I can.