I often ask myself, “what is the meaning of my name?” That is because there is so much I don’t know about the meaning of my name. My first name comes from my grandfather, my mother’s father. I have heard that this isn’t uncommon, like it is a symbol of respect or admiration towards another person, to name your child after them. However my experience with the man I was named after is limited. He resides in California, on the other side of the country. I have seen him a few times in my life, but I barely remember anything from said experiences. To be named after someone is a sign of admiration towards that person, yet I don't even know what that admiration was for.

For my middle name, I was named after my other grandfather, my dad's father. Unlike my mom’s father, I know him well, and am proud to be named after him, even though he definitely has his flaws. But even that doesn’t give me much clarity into my name's meaning. My father is the one who gave me this name, but he has always had a strained relationship with his father. At times he has called my grandfather a monster, and mentioned that he was a cruel person until I was born. But why then, would my father name me after a person he called a monster, what is the meaning of that? It’s as if I am fighting a current, and with every step I take towards understanding, a new rock appears from under the water and forces my back again.

There is also the matter of nicknames. Most people have nicknames, some are used often in families, and others are used often in public. Some people may even decide to take a nickname to replace their real name. For me though it is different. I don’t like being called nicknames. I always preferred Michael to Mike, Mikey or any other nickname. But I don't know where that came from. I don’t remember the first time someone called me by a nickname, and I don’t know why I was so adamantly against it.

There is a lot about my name that I don’t know but there is one thing that I do know. That name is me. Regardless of who the person was that I was named after, or the reasoning behind the name I was given, or the reasoning behind why I prefer it to any alternatives, this name is still me. It’s true meaning is defined by my actions and whatever I do to give it meaning. The paths I walk in life and the decisions I make, those are what will define me, and the meaning of my name.

So I will ask again, “what is the meaning of my name?” Well, I guess I still have some time to figure that out.