Diary Entry #112

December 7th 2022

Hello diary, it’s me again. I know I haven’t written in a couple of years, but I just wanted to give you a little update. I am currently a senior in high school and have applied to all of the colleges I wanted to apply to. After repeatedly being asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and changing my future career decision from a teacher, to a dermatologist, to a wildlife biologist, I have finally decided to major in psychology. I loved AP Psychology last year and was eager to learn more. However, I still feel like something is missing. No matter how excited I am to become a therapist it still feels as if there is a black void seeping from my heart.

What’s your dream career? A therapist since I loved my AP psych class and- 

No, I said what is your DREAM career? Oh. 

Well, for as long as I can remember I have always felt a strong pull towards murder cases, and such. I never understood why, and had always thought I was just weird since none of my friends liked them. Nevertheless, signing up to join the STS Forensics class at my school has rekindled my interests. Analyzing pictures to find the source of blood, how many people were involved, the background of the case, and describing how the case happened has made me want to rethink my choice of major.

Oh to be a forensics scientist. From working with blood spatters, to fingerprints, every aspect of being a forensics scientist interests me. Ten years from now I can just picture myself working with the FBI, and analyzing the newest murder case. Doing DNA and fingerprint tests to determine the suspect, analyzing the scene to see what object the suspect had used on the victim, if there had even been one, and testing any drugs or chemicals at the scene. 

The only thing that worries me, however, is my mental health. Will I still be the same person after analyzing these crime scenes? Would my perception of my friends and family be different? Can I handle all of the emotional baggage that comes with it? I don’t know, and sadly I won’t know until I actually become a forensics scientist. What worries me the most is that I already face adversity with my mental health, therefore leaving me to be more fragile and sensitive to what the victims could have gone through. At least if I was a psychologist then I would be able to help my patients and be able to relate to them on a deeper level, which is why I think I must be a psychologist.

I am sorry, younger me. I hope I have not disappointed you. I truly wish I could pursue your dream and fulfill your heart to its greatest extent, however for the sake of my current and future self’s wellbeing I have to make some sacrifices. Although this seeping black void in my chest will never go away, I will always think about what I could’ve been but also the things I couldn’t have been. I truly hope in another life I will be able to become an FBI forensic scientist, but for now I hope I can make younger me proud in a different way.

Sincerely,

Olivia