A father or a foe? A father.. or a foe? She pondered that question a lot. There should be a simple answer to that; a father should never be a foe. A father should protect and shield you from bad and help you when needed.

A foe is an enemy. Why should her father ever be an enemy to her?

She came to a conclusion after a while. Her dad, was a foe. Not like a kingdom vs kingdom. Not like the movies. Where they forgave and made a truce. A foe like one who hurt you over and over.

It didn’t matter what she did, ignored him, fought back, was silent, he continued to hurt her. It seemed to get worse and worse. Talking to yelling to screaming. Normal words to cussing and insults.

She had thought about him taking the insults further. To the physical. She was TERRIFIED it would eventually get there.

Punching, kicking, slapping, he could do anything. She didn’t know what it would be but she was ready, mentally prepared at least she believed.

She thought she could handle what he was going to do. Physically she did. Mentally she didn’t. She can’t forget the way he pulled her around like a doll, like she was nothing. A light weight.

She has never seen anything like that. A dad, so mad that it results in him getting physical with his daughter how he did, ripping her around like he had. She had heard of it - in books. Though it was never this.. frightening to her.

She regrets not keeping her mouth shut. She feels it’s her fault. She should’ve been silent. Keeping her opinions to herself.

Remembering it though, thinking over and over about the little details, even the details of the days before. The past interactions with her father. It wasn’t her fault. It never was. Yes, she had said some things in the past and in that situation causing him to get more aggressive and angry.

She had tried to keep her mouth shut. She tried to stay silent, to not make him mad. She destroyed herself in order to keep her mouth shut. In the end, she couldn’t though. She’s just as hard headed.

She has gotten down on her knees, and begged for mercy to a man who is mercilessly. Who acts to care to manipulate.

He has manipulated her before. Cried and said he would kill himself if she didn’t do what he wanted.

He calls her a victimizer though. Says she victimizes herself. Though she has been through many types of abuse. Verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual AND physical. Five out of the nine abuses. Though she isn’t a victim, she just has a vicim mindset? Right?

Wrong. She has been through hell and back through eyes of many. Simply by joking about trauma - that’s the way she is able to communicate to people what she’s been through.

She doesn’t do that to victimize herself or to make herself seem “higher up” or that she deserves to be treated a different way. She does it for the opposite. She doesn’t believe she deserves the way some people treat her. With high respect, love and support.

She believes she deserves that because of him. The way he has treated her, put her down. The little kid needing her father didn’t deserve to be thrown away. Didn’t deserve to raise herself and sibling.

She thought about it quite often now. Does she want to see her father? Does she want a bond? She doesn’t know. She believes she will never know.

She wants a father who is proud of her for trying her best. That protects her from harm. Listens to all her problems, big and small.

Her father isn’t that, he’s the complete opposite.

Cold and hurtful. Never proud of anything she has done expect things that make his standards. Her brother always makes his standards though. She feels almost everybody else does. Just not her.

Her father used to be her best friend. Where did that father go. Where did he go? When he was getting better, happier, healthier. She misses him. More than anything actually. She knows he isn’t coming back though. Her father won’t change. For the better at least. He’s 40. He’s done changing, maturing.