Perfection. We try to achieve perfection but it is an impossible goal to reach. I am one of those who try to reach for perfection and it drives me crazy. There is different types of perfectionist. Some try to be perfect in everything they do and others want to be perfect in certain areas in their lives. I try to be perfect in the eyes of almost everyone I come in contact with.

If someone was to see me they would assume that I don’t have many problems and that I am possibly a nice person to talk to. They would be wrong. I have problems and to me they are not small. I try to impress everyone and no matter how hard I try or say that I will be true to myself I still try to make everyone happy.

I’m not as smart as teachers, family, friends, parents, and peers thinks I am. I try my hardest to be seen as a model student and daughter but recently, I have been slipping though the cracks, Even as I write this I am trying to impress the people that will read it.

I want people to praise me for being such a good quiet student with excellent manners, or to have my parents or family be proud to say they are related to me. The sad thing is that I enjoy when my parents compare my behavior and grades to my younger sister. At the same time I feel bad for fooling them.

I am getting a little better at being myself. I am wearing the clothes that I feel comfortable wearing and not clothes that my parents wish I would wear. I’m simple enough to shop for because I like to wear t-shirts, hoodies, and jeans. I tell people the music I like to listen to, now instead of pretending to be something I’m not. I show my religion by wearing a pentacle instead of pretending to be Christian.

I’m changing and growing but I still feel the need to accomplish this impossible goal of mine. I know I can never make everyone happy but I try anyway. I wish that one day I wouldn’t be so hard on myself. If I make a mistake I constantly think about it or if I say something weird I cant stop thinking about that either. I smile and lie. One day I want to be able to break this habit of mine for good, I no longer want to be this person. Trying to please so many people is making me miserable.

I don’t even know who I am anymore. I even try to impress stranger sometimes. The only time I am really honest is when I chat online and with my very few friends offline. I used to be a lot worse. Hopefully one day I will be able to be true to myself. I bet its weird that I’m making such a fuss out of this but its something I’m struggling with.

I try to be as smart and mature as people expect of me, If I disappoint someone no matter how small the mistake. I feel like a failure. Hopefully this makes sense to anyone who reads it. Hopefully this makes sense to anyone who reads it. If it doesn’t make sense than I’m sorry. Than I will know that I really am a failure.