Dude, have you ever noticed that women seem to do everything they can to make you mad, and just when you are ready to give up and drop them like a bad habit they go and do something amazingly cute so that you have to forgive them? And then after everything is all right and you expect them to do something like oh, I don’t know, call you, they don’t? And do you know they do it just to see how much you will put up with before you break it off?

It’s like it’s a game to them and they don’t care if we get hurt as long as they get what they want. I’ll tell you, buddy, we’re just pawns in the giant female chess game of life. And there’s no way a pawn can win, unless you get him to the back row and exchange him for a queen, which proves the longstanding theory that women are only out to get our manhood. (Long pause. Sigh)

Here’s the thing, I’m really mad at Cara. I don’t know why. I don’t really have a reason. I mean, everything has been great. We spent our weekends together just hanging out, talking and having a good time. We talked last night till 2:30! And then today she doesn’t call me!

I know we’re not dating or anything, but I just thought we had that understanding, you know? A pre-dating ritual, if you will, that involved us talking on the phone each day. I mean, who does she think she is? Who is she to blow me off?

C’mon, Bill, you’ve known me for a long time, and have you ever seen me this upset over a girl? No, I mean, I’m always at least decently calm and collected when it comes to women. It’s just that this feels so different. I still can’t figure out what makes her so special, or why this bothers me so much. I don’t know, maybe I just care more about Cara than the others, which is crazy because I have only known her for a few days.

What is my problem? I just can’t understand why she ... (Ring!)

Ha! (Rushes to the phone. Deep exhale, inhale)

(sexy voice) Hello, there ...