It's as if you were placed in a race, mid-day, right as you were watching that show you've been binge watching all weekend- you are now blinded by the sun and disoriented. As people run past you in golden monochromatic blurs your eyes are beginning to water, and your nerves are tight against the surface of your flesh. You can not remember how you got here, what you did yesterday or last week, or the last time you saw someone, another human being. 

  This is what it feels like to deal with a mental illness in my mind. It is constant irritation but sometimes the peaceful periods in between become just as axiety ridden. 

   So I may want to start there, those momentous freeing periods. In retrospect, I've recognized how many times I've described my state of mind as "fearful of what is about to come". It is for lack of a better term, a calm before the storm. Days feel stagnant, my shoulders remain at a constant raised position from all the jumpiness accumulated in them by my coiled nerves. I slowly stop sleeping, but in the mornings I am wide awake. I begin booking more and more and more plans further and further in advance to meet with friends, family, girlfriends, study sessions, extra shifts at work etc. But an overwhelming shadow is lurking, and I am quite aware of it, but I turn my head and forget the turning tides in the foreground. I run away laughing one last time. 

  And when the bad starts, those plans begin to be cancelled, I stop hearing anything from the outside, vulgar things on television repulse me to the point of vomiting, my irritation develops into violence, self-harm and so on. It is indescribable. 

   I wish I could end this particular passage with a reasoning or clear minded way to get out of these ruts and bouts of illness. But in the next coming week I will begin therapy, and possibly be diagnosed wiht something called Borderline Personality Disorder. It would explain all these emotions and give my life a sense of motion again, in an indescribable way. All I can harvest is hope along with the disorders.