Gone but not forgotten

I interviewed my mom, Cristie Wolters age 49. My mom was born in Terre Haute, Indiana and then got adopted by my grandma and grandpa, Jean Wallace and Dale Wallace. She then lived in Ann Arbor Michigan where she was raised. My mother then moved to chicago where she met me dad and they had a family and raised their family in Park ridge, Illinois. My mothers mom passed away 3 years ago, I interviewed her about her mothers death.

Can you tell me about your childhood?
My Childhood? Well I had a very good childhood, I had one brother, uncle Bruce, who is about 13 months younger then me and then my parents Jean and Dale, they were very good parents to me and Bruce. I loved my life as a kid. We didn't live in a very big house but i remember that the houses around us were big and the people were very wealthy. Both my parents were teachers and they tried hard to support our little family. My parents used to fight all the time i remember, mostly about money. When i turned 14 they got divorced, that was very hard, probably one of the hardest things in my life to go through

So you were adopted, did that ever make you feel different, did that affect anything with you growing up?
Well I was adopted when I was one day gold so I was told from the beginning that I was special and it was always a nice thing. But I always looked different because I had blonde hair and blue eyes and my mom my dad and my brother all had brown hair and brown eyes. People would always say to me “who do you look like more?” and I didn't tell everyone I was adopted obviously but people would say “oh you look like your mom” and I really didn't.

What was it like going through a divorce between your parents?
I hated it, it was so horrible. Being a teenager I definitely blamed a lot on my dad because well he was the one who left my mom for another woman. He fell in love with his high school sweetheart at a highschool reunion and left my mom. It destroyed my family and my home life was very hard for the next couple years. Although I remember something so funny (laughing) so grandpa hated dogs and grandy loved them but my dad would never let us have one so( laughs) right when he left my mother the first thing she did was go buy a dog for us. I loved loved loved that dog his name was max!

How was your relationship with your mom growing up?
We were very very close and talked about everything, she was very strict with me and Bruce but she had to raise us alone while my father was happily married in another state which was very hard on her and us as well. She always tried her best with the money situation but we were penny pinchers definitely, I think the divorce in a weird way, brought me a lot closer to my mom and brother.

Did you talk to your mom about the divorce ever?
Oh yeah a lot! For years she talked about it, i could tell she still loved him a heck of a lot. they got divorced after 20 years of marriage, I mean can u image thats a long time.She used to be crying and all upset all the time. I don't think i ever really forgave my dad for the divorce for awhile maybe my second year of college I talked to him more and our relationship got better.

Was there any other men that you mom ever brought around you and your brother?
she only went one like 2 dates, she was not interested in getting married again cause my dad was perfect to her he was a college professor very educated smart and when they got divorced she had no interest in anyone else she wanted to work and raise her kids

How did your mom treat you with your social life and rules around the house?
she was very strict she grew up in a strict family and uh her parents belonged to the golf club and when we went there we were meant to be seen but not heard, we couldn't golf, we got to sit on the cart and drink a soda and we got to watch so everything was very strict with my mother but my mom is the reason i have manners and religion

Was it a struggle the money without your father?
oh yes oh yes it was a struggle we had three people one car, and i remember i wanted money to go out get new clothes and stuff and i was only 15 so I had to lie and and say I was 16 to get this job at burger king Ii was the drive through person and I made it happen and got my own money.

How  was your relationship with your father?
We were very close before the divorce but after the divorce we definitely didn't have as close as a relationship as before hand. I hated his new wife because she had replaced my mother and i just really didn't want to like her to be honest. I always snap at him and talk back, when i think back to it about now, i realized i could've looked at the situation more, but to me it was a one way thing.

What was something that changed in your life during the divorce?
I would say during sporting event my mom and dad would both want to support me about they would sit in opposite bleachers and after the game I kinda had to hug one then walk over the other and it was also hard to say it to my friends and them come over and ask where my dad was it was very awkward and when I graduated college and highschool I had to have to separate dinners one with my mom and one with my dad or for birthdays and christmas. Every holiday sucked with divorce parents.

How did you feel when you dad got remarried?
Well he remarried his highschool sweetheart so that was kinda tough because he went back to Seattle for a college reunion and after my parents got divorced he found out that her husband had just died and they hooked up and he had told us he had meet somebody. Then he went on a trip, another trip, and he came back married so he just didn't even tell us he just showed up married with a new wife so that was very upsetting and hard on my mother very tough on her i could tell. My relationship with my step mother was not good at all her name was Pris and me and my brother use to pull pranks on her she had since passed away too though

Did yours dads wife already have kids?
She had three kids and he lives to this day out there in Seattle near them, my relationship with them was okay, they were nice but we both didn't really make too much of an effort because I mean we both felt that eachothers parents were replacing the others I feel like well thats what my main though was when i was with them. As i grew up though our relationship changed we became more mature about it all. I just saw them when I had a recent trip with my family out to Seattle

When you left for college how was your relationship with your mom?
Almost the same, I missed her a lot and was scared to leave her honestly because I was afraid she would get lonely, grandy never really dated anyone and I didn't like that. I felt she should get back at my dad at the time but i didn't really understand the whole divorce concept when I was thinking that (laughs). I called her almost everyday and we talked about um like, food! oh yeah she used to tell me not to eat that crapy cafeteria food. My school, central michigan, wasnt very far from my house so I went home often to see her and my brother.

When did your mom get sick with diabetes?
Well she didn't really get to sick what happened was its called adult onset diabetes, and if you don't watch your diet and exercise and she really didnt really have time to exercise she was raising two teenagers and working full time. So um it was hereditary from her parents and she got diabetes in her 50’s and had to start taking insulin. So she wasn't really that sick she could still do things she would just have to take insulin.

How was your moms health during the year of her death?
She died at a young age of 73 and the month before she died she was hospitalized for pneumonia. She actually had congestive heart failure so she had a stint put in her heart probably 8 years earlier than that.

What happened the day of you moms death?
I talked to her actually the day she passed away because she had just gotten out of the hospital and was fine but they put her on oxygen. She went to my brothers house and she had called me and said
“oh Cristie the oxygen guys here hooking everything up.” (imitating grandys voice)
She had a heart attack later that night (looks away)

Where did she die?
She was in my brothers room and she yelled out “Bruce!” and Bruce and Allison were cooking dinner and they ran in and saw her on the ground. She had a heart attack so they tried to give her CPR and they had ambulance come and 911. They resuscitated her after she had been without oxygen to the brain for like 45 minutes

Why did your mom have a heart attack?
Well she had diabetes and bad health and being a single woman she she didn't diet and exercise as much so it all caught up to her. Her parents had bad health too and her heart had lots of clogged arteries and the diabetes definitely took part in that.

What happened the day after the heart attack?
Well because of the heart attack she was never the same in the hospital and she was there for 5 days. They put her in this medically induced coma where they take your body and they freeze it get you really cold then they slowly heat you up. We were there when she came out of it and she had a seizure and it was the scariest thing i'll never get that out my head i see it everyday I feel like.

Who was in the hospital with you helping you through it?
My brother and my husband mostly we didn't have a lot of family there. We left our kids at home while we went up there because well we didn't really want them to have their final view of their grandma how she was. Grandy didn't have much family only 2 brothers who we barely ever saw and her parents passed away at a young age.

What were the first feelings when you knew your mom was gone?
Id say shock but also disbelief because I didn't want to believe it. It didn't feel real to me and I was definitely scared emotionally.

How was the week after your mom died?
Well you know you loose your mother its like you lose part of yourself. I haven't even stopped feeling the way I felt that month. I haven't had the courage to look through her boxes even and its been over 3 and a half years that it has happened.

Who was your biggest supporter through all of this?
my husband, my husband because he was there for me all five days at the hospital and he was very supportive and helped me when ever i was crying or sad he was always there and i'm so thankful for my hunny.

What did you do the day after she passed away?
Planned the funeral and well she lived in ann arbor and I lived in Chicago so I had to go home and get my kids. Then we came the next weekend and with my brother and his family went through her condo and we took everything and got rid of everything.

Did you save anything from her house?
I saved boxes and boxes but I haven't been through them yet like I told you it was just too emotional. Theres one thing I saved that I love, its a cameo and its been worn by me my mother her mother and her mother 4 generations. So when Abigail, you, and whitney get married you wear it. Its a cameo and you can pin it on or you can wear it as a necklace it's really pretty. I also saved her necklace that she wore every single day. Its very unique it was her mother's diamond ring from her marriage. She didn't want to wear it on her hand so she got it melted and transformed into a necklace piece and its gorgeous, I wear it sometimes to think of her.

Has your mothers passing made you more religious?
Oh yes I pray a lot more and I talk to her everyday. I talk to her she actually made me the religious one she always would make us go to church every sunday.

How have you dealt with her passing?
Well you see the key is you have to know she is going to a better place so she wouldn't have to deal with any hurt. I don't want her hurting so i think she happy and that definitely helps me deal with it.

Do you talk to your brother about her passing?
He won't really talk about it really he only talks about the good things and good memories and I think that has helped me though. I also think he could be the most freaked out I mean she died in his home. It probably scares him sometime I think we both won't ever really want to talk talk about it but we both know how much we loved her so thats all that matters.

How did your father react to this new?
Well the nice thing was even though they were divorced for thirty years he came to the funeral just for me and my brother because we had just been out to seattle because his second wife's funeral just for him

Was your mom a very big part of your children's life?
Yes very big she used to come out to the house once a month come to chicago on the train and come see her grandkids and come see all their shows and all other sporting events.
She would help me when I needed sleep because well, I had 4 kids all under the age of 6 at once. It was always hectic so she used to come over and watch them while I slept or, me and Scott went out to lunch it was something I was always grateful for.

How was the relationship between your husband and your mom?
Really good he actually gave the eulogy at her funeral because he liked her so much and would actually call her a lot he wrote something really nice about her

How much has your life changed since your mother has passed away?
Well the hard thing for me was I used to call her everyday and talk to her about dinner. I used to plan my meals with her she made sure i had a meat a vegetable and a carb, so she would help me everyday
How do you have your moms memory live on?
I always think of her and talk about her memories often also always have pictures of her around, her memory will be with me everyday and a day hasn't gone by that I don't think of her. She wanted her ashes to put put in the church garden and thats where they were put and so whenever I go to Ann Arbor I always go there, pray and just sit there kinda.

My grandmas memory will always live on and we all think of her everyday. Interviewing my mom about her mom was very emotional but, I know she loves to talk about her. It was nice to hear about her memories. Cristie still lives in Park ridge with her husband Scott and with 3 kids in highschool and one in college. She talks about her mom all the time and Jean may be gone but she will never be forgotten.