I feel like everytime someone says live in the moment I roll my eyes because it's such an easy thing to say, but such an impossible thing to accomplish. I force myself to enjoy every second of the bright moments, that it feels like I'm watching them happen from far away- knowing I will never live in the moment again. I try to be present, but there is always some part of me that is anxious about the beautiful things ending. Like on the weekends. I always lie in my bed on Saturday night, and cringe at the thought of going to school on Monday. Then all of Sunday, I am so caught up in the weekend ending, that I can't do anything exciting because I know I will be back in school in a matter of hours.

Every single time I try to have fun, I seem to hit the record button in my head and step back. That way I can have a video of the moment forever replaying . But that's not how it works. I end up wasting the perfect moment because I want to remember it at night when I'm lonely, watching it flash behind my eyes.

I used to hate myself for not remembering everything, but then I realized it's because I never actually enjoy what I'm trying to bury in my brain. I'm always entertaining the ending of things, and never romanticizing the middle. I didn't know living in the moment was supposed to make you feel lighter and more carefree, but it really does. It's like finally having one of those moments that feels just as good as the idea of it. The more you force yourself to open your eyes, and stop trying to remember every second, is when you'll feel your happiness grow roots that tangle up inside you and hold your heart in its hands.

Being present in your own life is so much better than reeling back and hoping to memorize every single second. Now that I try to ‘live in the moment,’ simple things like hanging out with my best friend makes me feel like I'm floating. As long as you end up having a great time, the memories will stay shiny and new because they mean something important. Feeling the wind tighten your skin while screaming songs out the window during a late night drive with your friends feels way better than sitting in the backseat of your life looking out the rearview mirror. I think I finally understand not to watch old memories behind glass, and just try your best to be happy with what is happening now.