Gone.

Everything is gone. We all knew this would happen. What we didn’t know was how terrifying or extreme this would be.

Every now and then dinner at 6:30 would be a little odd. My sister Anna and I would be cracking jokes, feeding the dog and not finishing our meals. While my mother, Melanie would sit there eating, occasionally demanding us to quite down and eat. This was a routine dinner at our residence.
As time carried on, Anna finished high school at Athena. She had more free time to hang out with friends, making these dinners less frequent. After a while, I began seeing Anna less. Tension would constantly be lingering between Anna and Melanie. While Anna was gone, dinner was different: no more joking around.

Melanie and I would sit at the table eating dinner, occasionally exchanging words about the day or the weather, or other topics that were simple. Any other conversations became awkward or turned into a fight. Aside from these different dinners, life got weird.

Anna knew. She knew everything. Not to mention she was my life long best friend. Often Anna would say “Mom is smoking, I know it Jane.” But I would always brush it off.

After a while, I began to adapt to not being with Anna all the time. I started getting used to being alone. I got used to the awkward conversations with Melanie. I started to have friends over every weekend and some weeknights to fill in the void left by Anna. I was left alone in their residence to deal with Melanie and changing times.

Melanie started to be unusual. She would take the family dog Jasper for “rides”. Melanie came back from these “rides” as a different person. I call this new person Melissa.

Melissa always had red eyes, was always tired, loved to hug and touch me and she smelled like coffee mixed with weed and the scent of ps. I love you.

I became very suspicious of this new person. And knew that something was not right. Melanie started to leave more and I started to see Melissa more than I wanted to. My friends started to notice her to.
When Anna was home, we started to talk about Melissa always coming home instead of Melanie. And the odd nights that occurred because of this new person inside of Melanie. We discussed the past three years and concluded that something, someone has changed.

One cold May night, Anna came home drunk with her friends and ex boyfriend Mark. My friend Marissa was over and we helped her settle down and send Mark home. Morning came way to fast. Marissa and I walked in the nice breeze, to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast then went to the park. We walked back to the family residence; for some reason I had a gut feeling that something awful was about to happen, as if I was on a roller coaster climbing slowly up the huge slope.

Anna and Melanie were fighting about the night and how “unacceptable” it is to come home drunk to 15 year olds. As I stood inside the bathroom listing to them fight in Anna’s room, the world slowed down. Anna’s words grew louder and came out slower. Anna yelled, “Mom, you’re a pot head! We all know you smoke weed and come home high!” Melanie didn’t respond. Or deny. What happened next was a blur.
Marissa and I left. We slowly started to walk back to the park, watching Anna run in and out of the house gathering all of her important possessions and loaded them into her unlocked car while Melanie and she exchanged screams. Melanie stole Anna’s car keys to keep her from leaving the house. So instead of driving away Marissa, Anna with her friend Katrina and I walked to the park.

After ten agonizing minutes we walked back to their residence. Melanie was not there. Anna found her spare car key and we all hopped into the car crammed with Anna’s belongings then took Marissa home. Marissa was shocked and saddened by this event. I was extremely embarrassed that my best friend Marissa had to hear all the screams and witness my family on this heart breaking day. Reality now struck, I broke down into tears of anger and pain. Yes, it is true. Melanie, my own mother smokes weed and comes home high. Not only in front of her own family, but also in front of my friends. How selfish could she be to put her own desires before her families needs?

Emptiness.

That night I stayed at my friend Lindsay’s house. Melanie constantly called me and texted me writing “come home I am so sorry, we can fix this, do not make me send you to live with your father in Texas.” This made the flame inside of me grow larger. I didn’t understand why someone that f***ed up as greatly as Melanie did could be telling me what to do.

Melanie forced me come home with her threats.

Anna drove me and wished me luck. I didn’t say a word as I walked in. I went straight upstairs to my room, and blasted ‘High all the time’ on my iHome, in a way get into her head. Melanie walked upstairs after about half an hour of music. She tried to talk to me and I exploded “Mom...My respect for you is gone. You-Are-A-Pothead.” Then she tries to explain that she is not a “pothead” and only smokes because of stress. I screamed at her in disbelief. “No mom! You came home high in front of my friends. This is so embarrassing. You are ridiculous!” Then after a while I just stopped talking. I sat there on the green rug watching her lies bounce all around the room.

People always have secrets. Sometimes you know them, but you don’t want to believe them. The hardest thing in life is accepting other people’s secrets.

One secret, one event, completely changed my view on one person.

Respect is gone. Love is gone. Belief is gone. Family is gone.

Everything.

Gone.