I remember you, with your silky, brown curls; hunter, green eyes; and your predator attitude. I remember the way you glared at me, when I called you male, or the way you growled at me when I said something that offended you. I remember that day you slept with her, and when I confronted you, I felt the sting of your fist across my cheek. I remember how you cried that day, sorry for the mistake you made.
And I remember your hugs, how the whole world just melted away at the touch of your skin and the scent of soft aftershave. I remember the feel of your lips pressed lightly against my forehead, and the hum of your laughter on my skin. I remember the long nights you held me during the times I needed you most. Tears falling softly from betrayal. I remember the gentle way you traced words into my arm while we watched Sponge Bob or Queen of the Damned. I used to love how you watched me, when I felt closest to the Earth, just slightly falling into the rain itself. And I remember dancing with you. Long slow strides across the apartments' hall; even if I kept crushing up your toes.
I remember what it felt like to be beautiful. To feel like I belonged somewhere. And when you knelt down on one knee and passed me a soft sapphire ring, I felt loved. I remember cradling your head through the pain. When the medicine became the torment. I remember wiping away your tears as the effects of the chemo set in. And boy do I remember the late night fights, where you demanded that I leave and find someone who would live longer than you. But I never did. I never did baby, I never did.
I remember the times you held me close and prayed to your strict-ass God in thanks that I wouldn't leave. I remember how scared you felt at night, when I wasn't there to hold you come morning. I remember the dark times when you would never let me leave. And I remember the good times when you never wanted to let me go.
I remember the gentle sound of your laugh. And how it always made me wonder what you had done to deserve the life you’d been given. I remember the husky, almost southern lilt to your Ebonics accent. Hehe… mama always told me it was more polite and less racist to call it Ebonics, I never did fully understand why, especially since the first time I used it around you, you had no idea what it meant. I remember the way you laughed really hard when you realized there was a whole other name for your type of accent.
I remember the late afternoons with Dave, when he got into one of his “moods” and tried to cook you out of house and home. He always did worry you weren’t eating enough, maybe that’s why he always you butter in everything he made. He was trying to fatten you up. I miss those days, that was the only experience I ever got flipping an over-easy egg without breaking the yoke… yes I remember how much you teased me. “You’s a woman. Make me turkey sammich. On second thought, don’t I might die from food poisoning…” Then you’d kiss me and tell me it balanced us out because a kitchen didn’t need more than one cook.
I remember your stupid TV, you bought cable, but the only channel you got was Nickelodeon. So we’d sit on your ratty couch and watch SpongeBob for hours, you used to complain that the way they played that show was severe overkill, they played it more than anything else. And I would laugh anyway because the high-pitched tinkling of it put you in a better mood. Every. Single. Time.
But what about you? Do you remember me wherever you are? Dancing across the rain clouds I had once loved so much, does the thought of me pass through your mind? Are you still watching, the way you’d promised you would? Are you disappointed with all the choices that I’ve made? It’s been a real long time here in my world. The minutes crawl like years, the days pass in a blur, and the years become eternity, one inside another.
Have you heard my sad song? The longing for the pain they put you through. What would you say to me if I forced myself to join you too soon? Would you be angry and not talk to me for a while? Or are all the negative feelings of humanity cast off, and would you be glad to see me? Don’t think I haven’t thought of it. I’m sure you’ve seen all the moments where I pressed that icy blade to my skin. I never did it though, and I’m sure that’s made you proud.
But the sky seems so grey, even when the sun is brightly shining. I’m sure you’ve seen me search for you. Or at least some semblance of you in the people around me. Remember when you told me that I’d find someone new? I haven’t yet, what do you say to that? All this time you’ve been away, and I’m still as lost as ever. Don’t worry though, I’m beginning to find myself. I still pray for you, even though you’ve already been taken up.
Don’t worry Jonny, I’ll always love you. I just wish that I could see you one more time. I hope you can recognize me when I get there, whenever that may be, the ending of my life.