The wooden stairs were slick from the cold weather that turned the rain on the steps to black ice. Maria, Nina and Jonathan already slipped walking into the dining hall and I was sure that if I fell down them, I could easily break a leg. I felt guilty for thinking about hurting myself because I knew it was wrong to dream about such horrible things, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted so badly to push open the heavy glass doors and just let myself drop to my knees and fall down the steep flight of stairs.

“It will be just like rolling down a hill.” I said to myself. “Well, a hill covered in sharp rocks and pointy sticks.”

Part of my brain knew I wouldn’t go through with the task because it was too extreme even at my stage of depression, but the other half was practically shoving me down the stairs. I knew I had to make my decision quickly because Mrs. Fischer would be wondering where I was. That was my fifth trip to the bathroom in the last half hour. I never actually went into the bathroom, but instead I hovered by the door waiting to see my moms suburban pull around the tree lined bend. The fifth trip was the only bathroom trip however where my hand was on the door ready to open it up and start rolling down my hill of rocks and sticks. Tears raced down my cheeks while my joints were shaking rapidly making it impossible for me to move. I stood there hypnotized by the stairs not thinking about how much it will hurt anymore, but rather how long it will take for my mom to get to the hospital. My arms pulled enough strength from my ever growing stress level to allow me to yank open the door, letting the rain hit my skin like bullets. I boldly stepped into the line of fire allowing myself to become soaked and cold. I found comfort in the fact that my tears blended in the rain so no one would see me crying as I stood at the top of the stairs.

“Okay Mom, here you go. If you really love me you will show up now. I’m going to count to five. If you’re not coming around the corner then I know you definitely abandoned me. One, Two, Three, Four,” I paused and took one last big breath, “Five.”


In sixth grade, my whole grade joined the whole sixth grade class from Greenfield, New Hampshire on a camping trip to Nature’s Classroom. Before the trip in sixth grade, I had never been away from home for an extended period of time. When I was very young, I had this reoccurring dream that I was siting on my bed and I looked out the window to see my whole family pile into a car and drive away. This dream haunted me every night when I was little and every night it would get worse. Finally in fourth grade, when I had my first sleepover, the dreams stopped. I thought that I was free from this awful fear of being abandoned by my family, so I started sleeping over at my friends houses. During the day I was fine and worry free, but around dinner time I would start to get anxious. The dreams would slowly creep into my thoughts and they would play like a movie on repeat. Soon the movies started to paralyze me with fear. I still insisted on going to my friends house to stay over, but I would always end up being picked up by my mom in the middle of the night. I felt like I was being punished for a crime I don’t remember committing. The weird part was that I knew my family would never abandoned me, but that dream opened up my mind to endless ways to why and how my family would leave me alone. My mind created traumatic propaganda and it left me asking myself what if my family does want to abandon me?


The week before we left for the trip, Alexis and I were on the phone talking about everything we are going to do while we are camping in the woods up in New Hampshire.

“Casey, you have to promise me that when it rains we will go puddle jumping with Marissa since she has never experienced our version of puddle jumping.” Alexis said laughing.

“Deal and we need to make sure we stick together on the underground railroad because I heard that they grab people and force them into different carts so you can get by the guards.”

“Ahh! Really? That game sounds wicked scary. You’re going to bunk with me right?”

I really wanted to tell Alexis right then about my problem with those reoccurring dreams and see if maybe she could have helped me. I was too afraid that she would think I was some freak and not wanna be friends anymore. Alexis was my best friend since fifth grade and we told each other everything, but at that moment in time, I couldn’t make my mouth form the words I knew I should say. I didn’t feel scared when my teacher, Mrs. Fischer, said we would be staying at a camp for a week because I thought my fear was gone. I slept over my grandparents house with my friend Maria a couple months before the trip and I was fine. I thought that maybe I had gotten over it and I just didn’t notice. So when I was on the phone with Alexis, I was completely fine, but then again sitting in my house talking about four nights away is different then actually sitting at the camp talking about it.


My Mom and my older sister dropped me off at school where there was a line of coach buses waiting to whisk us away for a whole week. My Mom and sister walked me into the cafeteria with the other students and we tried to say our goodbyes quickly so I could go be with my friends.

“Have fun Casey and don’t forget to watch out for the guards on the underground railroad! They make you sit in a jail for the rest of the night. Trust me it was the scariest thing of my life.” Blaire said to me. I knew she wasn’t trying to scare me but a little ball formed in my stomach. I didn’t know what it was so I pushed it away, thinking I was just nervous to play the game.

“Okay Blaire. I’ll see you Friday morning. Oh and don’t touch my jewelry in my room!” I warned Blaire. I don’t understand why I was talking about jewelry, when I should be turning to my mom to say goodbye, but my body just didn’t want to face my mom and say goodbye for a whole week.

“Okay Casey the teachers are here so you will be loading the buses soon.” My Mom says to me. “Have fun and be careful and don’t forget I put sunscreen in your bag incase the sun actually does come out this week. I’ll be there on Tuesday to help chaperone so I will see you then.”

My Mom and sister hugged me then walked away through the crowd of sixth grade students. I watched my Moms back thinking I forgot something. When I realized that I didn’t forget anything, I made myself think I lost something. I ran after my Mom through the cafeteria and outside until I saw her getting in her car. She looked so far away from where I was standing that I thought it would take me forever to get to her. My feet were unwilling to move almost as if they were stuck in the mud. I swerved in and out of teachers and parents all while keeping an eye on my Moms car. When I saw the red brake lights come on, I thought I would never get to her in time. When she backed out, she saw me standing on the curb looking at her, she knew something was wrong. When she pulled over to the curb and rolled down the window, she looked beyond concern.

“What’s wrong Casey?”

“Uh...Um what day did you say you were coming again?” I knew that she was coming Tuesday but I didn’t have anything else to say. I couldn’t say the real reason as to why I ran out of the cafeteria to see her because then she would take me home. My Mom did not want me to go on this trip because she thought it wasn’t right for me to go when I couldn’t even stay over my friends house. I wanted to prove her wrong especially since I was going to a private school forty-five minutes away next year and she didn’t think I could go to school that far away.

“Tuesday. I will be coming Tuesday.” My Mom said. I could tell she was worried about me so I knew I needed to get back to the cafeteria before she changed her mind about me going.

“Oh right. I knew that. Okay bye Mom, I will see you Tuesday...which is tomorrow. Right? Yeah okay never mind I will see you tomorrow. Love you!” I ran away from the care as if it was about to explode so I didn’t have to listen to my Moms voice. Her voice would have made me change my mind about going. The ball in my stomach kept growing, but I knew I would be okay when I got on the bus with my friends.


I stood next to Mrs. Fischer as if a rope tied me to her. The food trays and chairs were being pushed around. Everyone started to stand up to sing the banana song with the counselors. I did not want to sing about bananas, all I wanted to do was get on the phone and call my mom.

“Don’t you want to sing with us? Come on Casey It is fun!” Mrs. Fischer yelled to me over the whole dining hall who are screaming about bananas.

“No. My head hurts. Can I go to the nurse please?”

I didn’t wait for me teachers response because I was already running to the nurses station. When I got there the I immediately burst into tears as I was greeted by an unpleasant nurse.

“Yes? Can I help you?

“Can I uh, use the phone please?” I stuttered. I knew I had to make up an excuse or else she would not let me use it. “I have a really big migrane and I need my Mom to bring my medicine because she is coming tomorrow and..”

“Okay okay okay let me call her.” Said the nurse as she cut off my rambling.

“Well, can I talk to her?” I asked hesitantly

“No, I’m sorry you’re not allowed to use the phone. What’s your phone number?”

I gave her my number as I patiently sat waiting to see if my mom would pick up.

“Hello Mrs. Schmitt? Hi, yes I am the nurse at Nature’s Classroom and I have Casey here with me...”

She did not finish her sentences because my Mom was talking. What was she saying? Why couldn’t I talk to her? The ball had been growing in my stomach ever since I got on the bus. The bus ride was okay but I felt anxious the whole way there. When we got into our cabin I knew I couldn’t make it till tomorrow. I felt nervous and the nightmare of my family leaving kept replaying in my mind. I was just a robot throughout the whole day. I was following the orders and actions of others while my mind was searching for some reason why I was feeling this way. My chest felt like I had thousands of bricks were piled on top me. Even as the nurse was talking to my Mom, I knew that meant that she was still at home but what about tonight and tomorrow morning?

“No Mrs. Schmitt, Casey seems fine she just said she had a migraine and asked for you to bring it when you come.” The nurse paused and waited for a response. “Oh okay great thank you so much. Goodbye”

I was shaking by the time the nurse hung up with my Mom. The phone was within my reach and she would not met let talk to her. I started crying again even harder and all the nurse said was to go to the bathroom to clean myself up then return to the dining hall. That was the first time I saw the slick stairs. At first I just ran into the bathroom and hid in the stall crying my eyes out. When I came out, I saw how unique the water froze on the steps and it made me think about my ice skating trip I took with my sister in December. Calmness hit me like the freezing wind that was blowing beyond the glass doors. I took a few more deep breaths and realized that maybe I was just overreacting a little bit and that I could have a good time.

“Oh Casey there you are. Lets get back to the table for desert.” Mrs. Fischer called to me from down the hallway.

I followed her into the dining hall to sit at the table and eat desert with the rest of my group. I was having a good time and we decided to play “The Name Game.” I started the game off and we got through about five rounds before the little ball came back in my stomach. This time the feelings hit me like a hard punch. I realized that I never asked my Mom what time on Tuesday she was coming at. I got nervous thinking about how much longer I would have to wait to see her. I got up and went to the bathroom for the second time but soon saw that there was a long line. I sat at the glass door looking at the window for a few minutes then went back to the table. Every time I started to feel like I was going to burst with tears, I would run to the bathroom and on my fifth trip to the bathroom I came up with the plan to fall down the stairs. I knew it wasn’t the smartest plan but I figured that if I fell down the stairs then I would go to the hospital and finally I would see my Mom. That way I wouldn’t have to wait around to see her tomorrow because I knew she would be at the hospital as fast as she could. I sat at the door for ten minutes contemplating on if I was going to actually go through with my plan of action. Even though I knew my mom wasn’t listening, I told her if she did not come around the bend in five seconds I would fall down the stairs. I told her that I needed her and that these dreams wouldn’t go away. They keep haunting me and telling me that you are going to leave me. I called to my Mom even though I knew she couldn’t hear me. I begged her to please come save me.