Dear Friend,

I read a book where a boy wrote to you, telling you his life. And he made you sound really nice, so I thought I’d write to you too, because you’re nice and I know you won’t judge me ‘cause you don’t know me. And I’m going to be completely honest in this letter, because I think you need to know.

I don’t get people. I always think I have them figured out, but I don’t. There’s a lot of people in my life I care about, and some I really don’t. I’m kind of an all-or-nothing girl, you know? If I’m going to do something, I do it with all of me or none. There’s no half-way about it. I’m like that with people, too. If I care about somebody, I would do anything for them. When I love, I love hard. It just hurts when sometimes you realize people don’t feel the same, you know?

Like this boy. I’ll call him Major, for his sake and mine. I chose that name because we play music, specifically guitar, and if he was a chord, he would be a major chord, because that’s just how he is. He’s strong and beautiful and hard to miss. And I love Major, but not in the way you’re thinking. I don’t want to kiss him, though I have, I just want him to be there, always. I love him, and I’m trying really hard not to. Major hurt me. We’ve been friends, best friends, for years, and we finally dated this summer. I liked him a lot. A lot, lot. But I came home from Japan to find a different Major. Curse change and girls prettier than me who can dance. I was hurt and angry because I loved more than I was loved, but I’m over it now. Major and his girlfriend really like each other and I’m happy for them. They’re happy and I’m glad.

But I miss Major alot. The old Major. And it wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t so mean. Like today, in the library, it’s him and his boys and he shoots me insult after insult and I was so angry and embarrassed. It hurt. Cause he says dumb things, like how nobody likes me. Or I’m a whore. Or throws things at me. Or tells me to shut up. And he doesn’t mean it mean, he’s just teasing. But it’s mean. Especially when his friend starts singing and I join in and he says, “Manda! Stop singing. You’re not Taylor Swift.” And it hurts because we used to sing together and he’d say I was like Taylor Swift. But I think he felt kinda bad because he told me later that I could sing if I want. But I just left without saying anything.

I came back later though, , telling a friend how I wrote a song for a boy and Major thought it was him. I told him it wasn’t and that the world doesn’t revolve around him. And I went back to talking and he said, “I read the song that you wrote for me.”

And 8 billion emotions went through my head, because he read his song. But I walked away snf I don’t know if he knows I heard him, but I did. He read the words to the most angry, bitter song I’ve ever written, and they were about him. I care about him so much, but I’m really trying not to. It’s just hard when someone knows you better than you know yourself and then they’re gone and they took that with them. I guess I’m just trying to figure out who I am without Major there to tell me.

I love Major, but not like I want to kiss him ‘cause I don’t. I have a boyfriend and he is sweet, handsome and genuine. He treats me so well and would never hurt me. He is a state champion wrestler and easy to be around. He makes me laugh and always buys me chocolate when I need it. He likes to kiss me alot, and he’s very good at it, but sometimes I don’t want to kiss. Sometimes I just want to sit and talk about what it was like when we were little kids and the way the sky looks right before a storm and why coins are only lucky when you find them heads up. But he doesn’t really like that stuff, and it’s okay because he’s sweet and I’m happy. I really care about him, just not as much as I think he cares about me. That really scares me, because I don’t want to hurt him the way Major hurt me. He’s too genuine and sweet and means way too much to me. I’m afraid of hurting him. He deserves so much more.

And then there’s his best friend, Jet, who’s leaving high school in 8 days because he was home-schooled and has enough credits to graduate early and he hates high school and most of the people in it. But Jet liked me. Unfortunately, it was at the same time as his best friend who is now my boyfriend. So that complicates things.

Jet is not happy. He’s leaving, and it makes me sad, ‘cause I think it’s kind of my fault and I really care about him. But today, Jet and I blasted screamo music and just screamed, not because we were angry, but because we were just full of feeling. And then, we decided to start a band. We shook on it and everything. Jet and I are going to start a band, but it won’t be the same because he’ll be gone.

I don’t get people Why would Jet leave and then come back to play music? Why is my boyfriend perfect but I don’t love him? Why do I love the only boy who has ever truly broken my heart? Why is my best friend’s boyfriend just leaving because he’s tired of being here? Why do substitute teachers say I can’t listen to music while I write essays? How come all of my friends get to leave, but I’m stuck here?

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

And I’m sorry I’m telling you all this, but I don’t know who else to tell because my boyfriend doesn’t really get service at his house, and Jet is with my boyfriend, and my best friend is playing basketball, and her boyfriend is finally going home, and Major has hockey. I know this because I asked him if he wanted to come sip cocoa on my porch. But he couldn’t, and that’s okay.

It’s funny to me how things turn out. Change is sort of an angel and a demon that way. ‘Cause people change and seasons change and we try to keep up, but we can’t. It’s impossible. So sometime, we finally learn to just let go and let change take us where it will. And this is my life. It’s a beautiful thing, and I’m trying to be better, I promise. That really is all I want.

I want this life to be my masterpiece, and I want to be happy with it.

I’m trying, my friend. I really am.
I hope it inspires you to, too.

With all my heart,
Manda