One day, I woke up in the midst of confusion.

“Nothing special will happen today – as usual.” I thought.  Before bidding goodbye to my bed and preparing for a new day, I talked to Him for a while – doing my best to have a sincere heart (My mom always taught me how to simply do this when I was a child and so I managed to make it a part of my system). I made the sign of the cross and get off my comfy bed. As soon as the soles of my feet kissed the marble flooring of my bedroom, I searched for my pair of inexpensive sandals (It may be cheap but trust me, it looks good ;)). However, the chill of December air continued to invisibly snake through my body – I shivered. It was cold – really. And then I found myself opening my minute wardrobe…picked a jacket which is just appropriate for my skinny body yet comfortable for someone like me… wear it and… and… now what?

It was around 4:30 in the morning and the deafening silence just made me bored. I wanted to sleep but I can’t. Anyway, I still tried doing such on my wing chair. Its armrests and backrest provided support for my back, neck and head while the chair helped me adapt to a variety of positions. I closed my eyes. And …I opened it. Damn it! I just woke up on a wrong time and now I can’t go back sleeping and continue dreaming about this super-duper cute, awesome, sexy and beautiful girl. I crossed my arms and just stared to wherever direction my eyes wanted to wander. I felt my eyebrow crossing as I observed my room. It was small but the darkness somehow made an illusion of it expanding a bit. Then I noticed that there was one thing which the dark avoided – light. The mild moonlight, as it magically penetrated my glass window, was just the only entity which enabled me to dart from one corner of the ceiling to another. . . I was pretty bored but ironically contented. I always knew that silence doesn’t mean peace all the time but during that time, just that time, it was. “I’m lucky to have a comfortable life.” I thought. Almost everything I wanted in life was just an inch away for me to grab – an elegant apartment, proper allowance, decent education, great friends, super beautiful special someone, and on top of that, a loving God. How cool is that? Truly, I felt how blessed I am to have all of these stuffs. Most of them are the things I want but some are just the things I need when the road of life gets steep (If you know what I mean. Life, it’s always tricky). And wait, I almost forgot. I am also gifted with a sweet mom who does her best in everything just for me and my brother to live comfortably. She has always been there during my ups and downs and will always be. I love her so much. She witnessed me growing up and thus she knows me a lot; she might even know things about me which I myself do not know (How creepy is that?). Unfortunately, in the case of my father, it’s the complete opposite. I realized, even how perfect once life may seem, there will always be a lapse. He was always away, always. He works as a seafarer and supports us and I’m grateful for that. But sometimes, I feel like he’s just doing it because he had a commitment to my mother – that it was his choice to marry my mom and part of that choice is his responsibility towards us. I don’t know, but my father has always been having a different world – a different realm to live. Whenever he talks to us, he sounds sorry for himself. Most likely, he felt sorry for the mistakes he committed. And I can just hope that he doesn’t consider us - his family - a mistake.
Even if he goes home after years of working, I still feel like he’s miles away. Why is that? But I thought that there would always be things better left unsaid.

Whew! My mind began to explore before I can even noticed it myself. I hate it when I get sentimental and nostalgic (since I live away from my mom now that I’m in college).  I attempted to ignore all the thoughts but I honestly can’t. All I can do was to hug myself and smiled. I do smile when I’m both happy and sad (pretty weird huh).  After all these time, I still couldn’t sleep. It was 5:00 in the morning. I stared at the moonlight like an amazed child. The ray of light continued to display its elegance as it highlighted tiny dust particles which for me seemed dancing (now that’s really weird).  And that was the time when I noticed that it wasn’t just the dusts it was highlighting but something else – a key. That was it! I grabbed the key immediately … took my helmet… and headed to my bicycle.

I inserted my key to the chain and unlocked my bicycle. I did some stretch ups to avoid strains for approximately three minutes and positioned myself on top of my bike’s saddle. I inhaled and released a deep breath and I pedaled.

The air was very cold but fresh. The highway was not busy at all. I found myself crossing one street after another. Freedom – it’s something I’m experiencing back at that moment. I found the street lights rejoiced with me. It’s truly amazing when you get up early. It’s as if all the best ideas are just there – waiting to be grasped. I continued biking, shifting my gear from one to three depending on the road. I was enjoying. I was happy. All I can do is smile.

And then I found a stop. I guess I’m not just the only one awake, the boulevard was too. There were joggers. I dismounted myself from my bicycle and chained it to a metallic post. And then I jogged. The boulevard was not that long in terms of distance. It was just of decent length for short jogger like me.
I reached the end in approximately six minutes.

A beaming light appeared over the eastern horizon, an indication of the rising sun. I continued jogging. It was also good to experience how to blend with people. It’s great when no one knows you for a certain time and all you can do are the things you wanted to do. I wondered if only life has its own version of jogging. Is it even possible to jog away from the problems I have? At least I’m not being desperate to run. I smirked as I was formulating such thought. Eventually, I decided to walk towards the bay. It was low tide and there were people looking for clams, mussels, and oysters (the one that produces expensive pearls). A flashback was entertained by my memory. I remembered being with my grandparents back on the island. I was still a child that time and they taught me how to find such things. It was pretty tough but interesting. I wondered if I still have such thing. There was one way to find out though. I started searching for some. My eyes began to search quizzically on every corner of each stone I found. Then I almost lost hope when someone from behind said “You can look from beneath the rocks. It’s easier to find one.” It was a mid-aged Asian man. He smiled and continued searching. How can I even forget such principle? It was the same thing my grandmother told me before. I did what I was told. The first try was not a success. But I have to keep trying and so I chose one rock that looks interesting. It was the one and only rock isolated from the rest. How does it feel to live in isolation? I wondered.  I went for it and I flipped it. It was a bit heavy than I expected but guess what. I found a clam. It felt like an achievement. Again, I smiled. Next thing I did, I gave my new found treasure to the man who gave me an advice. He deserved it.

I headed back to my bike with a mixture of happiness and uncertainty. Are life mysteries also like the clams hidden behind every rock? All we have to do is flip and flip and flip and flip until we find those that might answer our questions – those that our hearts desire? That’s a lot of work.

I unchained my bicycle and positioned myself back. At least, something significant happened today – all credits to the moonlight and key.

I gave the horizon a glance and blinked at it with one my left eye. Someday, I will find my purpose of living. Someday, I will find myself. Someday, I will smile again. After all, there is more to life than what people expect.