You never realize how much you mean to someone or yourself until you haven’t seen them in a while. Maybe it is true that a person doesn’t realize how much they have until it suddenly disappears, or in my case as I moved about 1000 miles away to begin a new life as a freshman in college. I’ve never every really felt ordinary, and somehow I’ve always wanted to be “normal”, so I decided I wanted to go to college away from almost everything I knew and grew up with, the family, friends, city, and everything I saw as torture or a binding. I wanted to get away and become normal like everyone else in the world, or that’s just how I saw it.
Life was very difficult in general, I never really fit in, and I never knew why. I would try my hardest to become that popular kid everyone liked, but there was a problem I faced. No matter how much ground I gain with the “cool kids”, I would never feel as if I belonged because I never was the one to actively seek social gathering with over people, I felt it right to be all alone to myself, and never let others around me come close. Almost as if I was the king of my castle, and no one was allowed in. This barrier was built throughout the events of life to that point, and if anyone did successfully break into my castle, they were sucked into my self-inflicted torture and I would then release the pain and suffering on them, and then hurt those who sought to help me. I evenly sought out help for my problems because the pain exploded within me, and the worst day of my life began.
Life had always been different, and kind of rough for me. I was born the miracle child to my parents, and born pre-mature, even went to my own baby shower. I then became like a coin because you could place bets on the outcome of me, with two different outcomes, and the one same body. Instead of heads or tails, there was my home life, and my outside world life. Both totally different, yet the same. No matter which side the coin was on, I was always somehow a danger to myself throughout my life. I would run away from my parents if I didn’t get what I wanted at the age of 2. I knew how to breakout of my car seat, and open the car doors when I was 3 because my Dad left me at the gas station. Had to get stitches when I was 3 because I climbed the slide, and fell back, and a pencil lodged itself in my jaw. Then I got kicked out of preschool and forced to go half-day in kindergarten, on for using foul language, and the other for having too many detentions that outnumbered the days left in the school year, which was way higher than I could count at that age. Since I was having all these issues at school my parents looked to outside sources to see why this was happening. Turns out I had A.D.H.D. or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. To help me get better the doctor gave me medicine, and had to go to anger management classes to try to help me become better. Little did I know that this would show up later on in my life.
During this time, I was the only kid in the neighborhood until the age of seven when my whole world was changed forever. Not every day do you go from being the center of attention as an only child to fighting for everything within the house because you are the middle child now. Suddenly there is a whole new set of rules you must abide by, like sharing, or that the household doesn’t revolve around you. This toke a very long time getting used to living with 2 sibling-cousins that your parents had become foster parents for. One is only 6 months older, and was in the same grade as me, and the other was 2 years younger, and 2 grades behind. Now I wasn’t able to fit in at school because I was the bully, and then got bullied up till 7th grade mostly by ,my cousin and her friends, and didn’t fit in at home because I was fighting for the attention of my birth parents with people who I thought should just become homeless on the streets. I begin to not care about the things around me, and would just say in my room, and not communicate with the outside except for family until the death of my grandma in 7th grade. It was the first time I had lost someone important in my life, and was sent into a huge depression especially since I had become bitter about my cousins. The fact they began to effect everything I did, at school and at home. As 8th grade rolled around I felt so different I even switched schools just to begin anew. As the year went along I kind of wanted to go back, and later found out that some of the people that made the old place not feel safe missed me.
I did go back to the high that all the people I missed went to, and I went there for all 4 years, and my cousin in the same grade stayed with the friends she had met at the school we switched to.