People make memories everyday. Some memories last for a lifetime and others fade away as time goes on. The memories turn into moments in life that alter the person and who they are today. These moments either make them a better person or a more careful and guarded person. My moment is when I was only 4 years old. During a quiet summer’s morning, my biological father came to my house around 8 in the morning with 4 bullets and a gun. One bullet for each person in my family. Luckily that morning, the only person with a bullet to pierce their skin was my father. That day, on July 2nd, the long triumph of running from my father was finally over. In a sense, my family was free. I should add that all moments are not positive times, that moments can be negative. They can influence a person’s life by making things more challenging, for instance, daddy-daughter dances. This moment in my life made me long for a father figure, deal with trust issues, and live with curiosity of who might my father have been if drugs and alcohol never intoxicated his system. 
      The death of my biological father seems like a blur in history now. It’s hard to think that my life could be any different than how it is today. The past shaped me into an independent woman and in an odd way I’m grateful. I can help people who have gone through a similar moment. The moment also broke me down. I used to wish to be like the other girls who had a ‘daddy’. They were able to learn how to ride their bike with their father by their side. I have a father figure now, but not when I was growing up. In my point of view, the crucial ‘daddy’ years are birth to 10. Daughters learn so much from their fathers. I am lucky enough to have a mother who took on both roles long before any shots were fired. Do I wish my father was around to take me dancing and hold doors open for me? I would love for that to be the case, but I know that even if he was still here, my life wouldn’t be as it is today.
      A lot of therapists and counselors kept using the words ‘inconsistent’, ‘abandonment issues’, and ‘trust issues’. Being only around the age of 6, I had no idea what those words meant nor did I care. As I get older, I see those words appear more and more, not by others, but by me. I see the effects of an inconsistent and dangerous father. I see how I turn away from commitment in fear of being left alone. There are very very few men I trust, and even then I know not to let my guard down. Years after his suicide, I would not go near any man who was not my Pappy or my Uncles. I would not go over to my friends house in fear of their dad being home. My moment has not ended. I still struggle with fears of abandonment and mistrust. I’m progressing but I’m not healed. I can relate it to running towards a finish line that is 50 yards away, but once I go 25 yards, another 50 gets tacked on, making the finish line feel impossible to reach. Maybe I can’t recover. Maybe I’ll just have to deal with it. What’s another 11 years?
      I don’t ever miss the person my father was. Although I do wonder if I am like his sober self in any way. I also wonder what my life would be like if he was normal. I heard stories from relatives that he was a hardworking, comical man who made people smile. I know he liked to work with his hands and be outside. That, of course, was only 25% of the time. The other 75% he was a psychotic maniac. I hope I take after the 25%. If that 25% miraculously turned into 100% of the time, my life would be very different. As much as I wish that would have been the case, I love my family now and the two additions we gained. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

      My moment is not like most peoples. I am currently living in my moment and I feel like I will be for the rest of my life. If I can find good in my moment, I can help others who have similarly felt the way I do. Moments are different for every person. Some may think that they have lived their moment and now they are only living in the reflection of it. Others are currently living in their moment. While others have yet to go through their moment. Everyone is at a different stage in their walk of life. I’m learning how to walk through mine everyday and everyday it gets a little easier.