He wanted to perform ever since he was born. A small child, probably only 5 or 6 years old, had dreams of playing on a stage in front of all sorts of people and performing all over the world. He soon asked his parents to play the violin but his parents said “No. That’s gay. Violin is meant for girls, so you play the guitar or the drums instead.That’s much better for a man to play.” He begged and begged at the feet of his parents to convince them to let him play something other than the dreaded nonsense of garageband instruments. Before he knew it, he was going to drum lessons once a week on tuesdays at 3:30 after-school. He was dead. Eventually, he would grow into one of the top high-school performers in the area in order to satisfy his hunger and he’ll eventually talk in the third person to distance from the pain of delayed potential.

  A curious and stubborn child with a burning desire is dangerous to those who wish to push him down. They wanted me to play with Legos and play video games or essentially anything to keep me quiet. They asked repeatedly why I asked so many questions like ”How do cars move? Why is that person walking funny? And WHY can’t I play an instrument?” You see, we are curious children who wish to experience the world on our own, but are held back due to our parents desire to keep us normal or quiet. We are children whose internal fires set us focused on goals and passions; we would scream, punch, kick, and shout to pursue what we wanted. But they would hold us back in hopes of a sense of normalcy in the world. We were held silent out of embarrassment but we would break through walls of concrete to learn about the skewed world we lived in. They wanted us to be normal but that just wasn’t the case. We were expected to subdue our passions and fit in with all the other children. Eventually, he was forced into silence and left physically mute, unable to speak, and eventually would lead to years of suppressed screaming.

   I refused to give up. I was passionate. I was unhappy. I was burning. I was finally saved through the introduction of our fifth grade band program at our school. I immediately fell in love with the clarinet and I knew that this was my only way out. I knew this was my voice. I knew this would eventually lead to how I would speak and connect with others around me. So I played until my mouth bled. I played for hours upon hours a day. I played until I was physically and mentally exhausted. I played the music we were playing until I committed them to memory. I played music much too difficult for my playing ability. I played until I dreamt of soloing on a stage for everyone to hear. I was burning. You see, we are curious children who would do absolutely anything to escape from burning alive.

So I guess in the end, in some absurd wicked way, I was trying to save my life.